Troy

Reviewed by EWAN McDONALD

(Herald rating: * *)


One of the greatest stories ever told becomes a big, dumb, popcorn movie. For those who weren't hooked up to CNN 3000 years ago, a quick recap of the headlines. Paris, a young prince from Troy (Orlando Bloom) is sent on a peace mission to Sparta. He makes love not peace by coming home with Sparta's queen, the beautiful Helen (Diane Kruger), which irritates her husband, Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson). Paris' brother, Hector (Eric Bana), is also irked because he sees war on the horizon.

Menelaus and his mate, Agamemnon (Brian Cox), form a Super 12 franchise under the Greek banner and head off for an away match with Paris and Hector's side, playing as the Trojans. The Greek team's star is Achilles (Brad Pitt) who is quite inspirational on his day but is carrying a long-term injury to his heel. This was inflicted by a jealous god when he was a baby. But since the makers of this movie have left out all the gods who walk around on Earth and interfere with human matters and are absolutely indispensable to understanding, or getting the point of, this entire story - that's why it's called a myth, stupid - I have to slip that info to you on the quiet.

Frankly, it's a couple of hours of tosh - I'd rather watch Gladiator on network TV, with ads, for the 20th time than this.

The DVD includes three features - one on creating the battle sequences in Mexico; a reasonable historical piece on unearthing the ruins of the original city and how it was recreated in the production houses; and a run through the visual effects. Curiously, there's also a good computer-generated 3-D tour of Mt Olympus, introducing the gods of Ancient Greece who were left out of the story.

* DVD, video rental 21 October