To have and to hold: an anatomy of the perfect man hug

If you're going to man hug, make sure it's a good one. Photo / Getty Images

Why do we man hug? Is it simply to fill the gap left by the now passé formality of the all-purpose handshake? Or do we bro hug for some more profound, evolutionary reason; a mammalian urge to be squeezed that, liberated from old fashioned gender conventions, has risen like a phoenix from the ashes in the playbook of male behaviours?

The short answer is: nobody knows. Man hugging remains a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma, and searching for its causation is probably the social and biological sciences' next great frontier; their Fermat's last theorum, or Pandora's box.

Perhaps we'll never solve it, but what we can hope to decipher is just how to go about achieving a good one. And by good one we mean a hug that doesn't leave you feeling like a twonk in front of an assembled crowd of onlookers.

Follow the leader

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi and U.S President Donald Trump made a splash yesterday by going full throttle with a no-holds-barred man hug during a joint press conference.

Modi scores points for sheer enthusiasm; his hug packs chutzpah. It's a little overbearing, sure, but he has previous on this, having previously snuggled up to Mark Zuckerberg and Emmanuel Macron.

As for Trump, he wears it well - although possibly breaks the clinch a little too soon. And that post-hug hand holding act looks a bit awkward. Still, better than witnessing one of his normal, excruciating handshakes.

Man hug rating: 4/5

Channel a triangle

Prince William and Mike Tindall raised further calls of 'bromance!' this month when they shared a quintessential man hug at the Maserati Royal Charity Polo Trophy at Beaufort Polo Club in Tetbury.

The pair score points for their 'by-the-book' attention to protocol: high arms, triangular lurch (no brushing pelvises), manly slap on the back and short duration. This was man hugging by numbers, deftly executed.

Prince William and Mike Tindall share a man hug. Photo / Getty Images

Man hug rating: 5/5

Make sure it's mutual

As with any hug, a man hug should be a mutual enterprise. Avoid the one-way grab and slap at all costs.

Be warned: if you are engaged in a grab and slap, you may not realise you are. Before you know it your head will likely be buried in the nook of your interlocutor's shoulder, and with your vision impaired you may mistakenly interpret their slaps on your back as vindication they actually want you there. They really don't.

Man hug rating: 1/5

Stay front on

The Pimms is flowing, your team are winning, and a spirit of celebration is in the air. Keep those hands out of your pockets: it's time to get your man hug on.

Here's David Cameron and Boris Johnson, watching Great British athletes at the 2012 games. With spirits high, Cameron launched into the hug, misremembering a crucial factor in any sporting spectacle celebration: the side-on angle will invariably result in a botched bear hug.

David Cameron hugs London Mayor Boris Johnson. Photo / Getty Images

Man hug rating: 2/5

Slapping is good - but must be executed carefully

Listen folks, we've come this far: man hugging is acceptable. There's no need to compensate for the intimacy of a man hug by virtually pummeling your mate (nay, opponent) half to death. A couple of slaps on the back is fair game, but a sock to the chest is as likely to bruise as it is to bemuse. And certainly don't slap in the face, it's just annoying.

Man hug rating: 3/5

Don't overdo it

Really, this lion has embarrassed himself.

Man hug rating: 0/5

Bro hug like you mean it

Never man hug out of awkwardness, as if a handshake or simple goodbye won't suffice. Man hugging is an all or nothing game, so save it for when you mean it, like Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul.

Top points, sirs.

Man hug rating: 5/5