Tips for finding love online

Internet daters are advised to meet for the first time in a public place. Photo / Herald on Sunday

Meet Kate. She's quirky, optimistic, creative, fond of trashy chick-lit and Italian food. And she's dating online, or rather searching for the perfect date.

With tens of thousands of lonely hearts doing the same thing at any one time, Kate knows she has to make an effort with her online dating profile.

Mediocrity works about as well as an overused pickup line in a bar, dating experts say.

Kate, 35, attracts about six new messages a week through her Findsomeone internet dating profile. Some men seem to respond to the humour in her dating profile.

"I've written some quirky things and it gives people an easy lead-in."

She still hasn't found Mr Right — but then, she's in good company. The two major New Zealand dating sites — NZDating and Findsomeone — have 1.5 million profile listings between them.

At peak times about 50,000 people are online scrolling through pages, and hundreds of new people are signing up every day.

Potential partners are catalogued and searchable according to height, weight, star sign, religion and drinking habits.

But at the end of the day it's just a photo and words on a computer screen. So what's the secret of making that special connection?

Hollywood star Brad Pitt advises those looking for love that "everyone lies online".

"In fact, readers expect you to lie," he tells Wired magazine this month.

"If you don't, they'll think you make less than you actually do. So the only way to tell the truth is to lie."

But in truth, honesty and humour are a good start. Internet dater James,
38, has been online for six months and he's convinced they're key selling
points. "I prefer it when they're honest and admit that the odd glass of wine gets in the way of the evening walk. It shows they're real, and not pretending to be what they think the reader wants them to be."

He's sceptical about the over-sell, an epidemic of online bubbliness. Fun-loving, outgoing, energetic and positive are the most common words
women used to describe themselves on Findsomeone.

In cyberspace, men are outdoorsy, down-to-earth, laid-back and easy going. They like tramping, kayaking and walks on the beach.

"It seems like everyone wants to join the gym and travel - fact is, not many do," James says.

He tries to inject some humour into his profile and is upfront about having a child. "I get good feedback because of that," he said.

Dating expert Denise Corlett agrees that honesty is important but says selling yourself well is too.

"People are only going to look at your image and the first few lines of your profile. If you've got something pretty limp in that space, it's not going to be enough to grab someone's attention."

Corlett offers a profile service on her website, datingadvice.co.nz - sometimes getting a fresh eye to read a dating profile makes a difference, she says.

Author Rachel Goodchild, who wrote the book Eighty Eight Dates about New Zealanders' online search for romance - her own and others - says there are two options: create a wacky internet persona, or stick to the real you.

For her own profile, Goodchild included the name of a painting she liked in her username.

"When people picked that up right away I was immediately interested in those people, because they got me."

Photos are important, online dating experts say. Many online daters won't respond to a message from someone who doesn't display an image.

All pictures submitted to Findsomeone are screened, and operations manager Jessi Morgan says obvious "model shots" are rejected.

Goodchild has strict rules for pictures: don't use a photo with mates who are better looking than you, don't use a photo of your car, and don't use a photo of your wedding day with your former spouse removed. "We can tell," she says.

Posting photographs that include children is a big no-no as well.

"It's putting pictures of children onto an adult website. It's quite a risk.

"You wouldn't bring your child to a bar to try to get them to attract men or women to you."

Auckland mother-of-one Paula, 32, says she's after someone who looks "real" in their photo.

"There's one guy on there who looks like he's been photoshopped, so I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole," she says.

Online dating is hell for spelling pedants. Meet the woman from Auckland who enjoys "quite night's in", the Hibiscus Coast man who has "a uneek snce of humar and luvs to laugh", or the plumber looking for someone with the "sim intreasts to min."

Younger daters, in particular, play fast and loose with spelling, grammar and capital letters, but also employ text language and acronyms, such as LOL (laughs out loud) and GSOH (good sense of humour).

Kate has no time for spelling shortcuts. "Text spelling in a profile or in a message is a major turn-off," she says. "Things like good spelled with a u - and this is from a 35-year-old."

When it comes to language it's not just a generation gap, but a gender one, says Corlett.

"For a lot of women, if someone has a grammatical or spelling mistake, it can be quite off-putting," she says."But it very much depends on the kind of market you're trying to attract."

If you're on the hunt for someone professional and independent, for instance, check your spelling carefully.

"For the demographic I'm dealing with, who are generally in their late 20s and upwards, these things are very important."

Then there's the more subtle language clues to decipher - such as men who are looking for women who are "femininely balanced," or who "takes pride in their appearance." It's all code for someone slim and attractive.

It's no secret that some online daters are looking for casual sex.

While NZDating is more permissive, those who openly advertise for one-night stands on Findsomeone will be removed from the site.

But sometimes the message is more subtly made. Sally, 26, says she avoids men who say they're looking for a woman for "fun times". Read: casual sex.

Paula was contacted by a man - a friend of a friend - through her Facebook site and agreed, after several emails, to go for a date.

In hindsight, she says, there were early warning signs: he wanted to meet at her house, and he commented on a dress she was wearing in a Facebook photo, and asked her to wear it on the date.

"I didn't really think of it at the time, but in future I'd pick up those things," she says.

On the date he made overtly sexual and offensive comments, such as asking whether she was wearing a g-string.

"He still gives me the shivers," she says.

Auckland police sexual assault team head, Detective Sergeant Andy King, says people need to be more careful online. Despite repeated police warnings, and clear advice on all the major dating sites, people are still putting themselves at risk.

"They're giving away far too much information about themselves which makes it far too easy for people to find out who they are, where they live, and their telephone number," he says.

"For some reason some people get complacent, and a false sense of security by chatting online and think they get to know somebody that way, and think it's okay to give their personal details."

An HIV positive man, Glenn Mills, is facing charges for allegedly deliberately infecting sexual partners with the virus.

Mills was actively looking for partners on internet dating sites, police say.

His case is now before the courts but has been delayed while police deal with new complainants who came forward after name suppression was lifted last month.

NZDating's John Harris says complaints about the behaviour of members are rare, and the majority are related to ex-partners causing problems.

The site has a community of people about the size of a city like Hamilton, he says "so it can be expected to have some issues between members from time to time".

Morgan also says disputes between ex-partners sometimes find their way online.

Other problems are rare, and can be avoided by taking sensible precautions.

Both sites advise keeping personal details private, and meeting for the first time in a public place.

Warning signs to look for include someone who talks about money, such as needing a loan, who gets too attached too soon, or who won't supply a photo.

In the end, Corlett says, cyber romance is like any other kind: sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

"You can meet people who aren't honest and you can get frustrated, but that's the same in real life too," she says. "But you can have success."

James flew to Queenstown to meet a woman after emailing and chatting for two weeks "because I thought she was the one". She wasn't, but they remain good friends and are in touch every week. He's still searching for the perfect girl. "You can't rush these things," he says.

Paula is giving internet dating another go, following the end of a long-term relationship.

"You've got to put yourself out there. If you're going to sit at home, how are you going to find someone? This is the easiest way."

* Dating tips for beginners

DO

Ask someone else to check your profile, preferably someone of the gender you're looking for.

Use a photo that shows you at your best, but genuinely reflects how you look now.

Tell the truth about your height, weight, age and lifestyle. Lies will be found out anyway.

Give people reasons to be interested by including lots of information.

DON'T

Send people nudie shots or photos of your privates.

Discuss your failed marriage or alcoholic ex-boyfriend in your profile.

Start your profile with: 'I can't believe I'm internet dating ...'

Choose an inappropriate nickname, such as sexkitten4u.