'This is what misery looks like': Mum's heartfelt post about breastfeeding

Emily Holdaway with toddler Ziggy. Photo / via Facebook

A Kiwi blogger has detailed the struggle behind a "helpless" moment.

Emily Holdaway posted a photograph of herself holding her 19-month-old son Ziggy and used Facebook as a platform to voice her distress at not being able to "soothe" her son by breastfeeding him.

"This is what misery looks like. When breastfeeding no longer offers the comfort it used to, and you don't know how to take away the pain," she wrote.

"Last night I felt so helpless. Ziggy was in pain. His bum was red, his cheeks were hot. He was crying and crying and crying. I offered him the comfort of my breasts, and, through his tears he shook his head and continued to cry.

"We ended up in the shower," she wrote. "Skin to skin, holding him close. And as he sat there, hurting and upset, I cried. Quietly. I felt so powerless. I've always been able to fix Ziggy and last night I couldn't.

"From the moment he was born, breastfeeding has been more than just a source of food. It was what he needed when he was upset, in pain, when he was tired.

"There was nothing boob couldn't fix. As he grew older, we got the inevitable 'when will you stop?', and I would always reply 'when he is ready' never imagining for a minute that 'ready' would be anytime soon. I thought 'ready' was months away, years away.

"And then I fell pregnant. It's been a slow and gradual process, entirely Ziggy led. As the weeks have passed his need for breastfeeding during the day has lessened.

"He stopped coming to me for cuddle feeds. He stopped asking for it when he hurt himself.

Ziggy shakes his head when his mum offers to breastfeed him Photo / Facebook

"By around 19 weeks pregnant, the only time he would breastfeed during the day was when he needed to nap, and even that was taking so much longer than it used to.

"If I offer he shakes his head. Then he gets off my lap and runs off. I never expected to have such emotions when it happens, but I do. I feel rejected. I feel useless.

"I used to be his world and now his world is expanding."

Holdaway told Daily Mail she has been blogging about her son since he was 4-months-old.

"I have a lot of mums who follow us that are also pregnant with a toddler, who are going through similar emotions and phases to Ziggy and I who love to hear what's happening in our lives as often it's happening in theirs too," she said.