Maggie: I didn't really mind when I realised Zach was using porn when I was out. I mean, who cares, right? But then he started losing interest in having sex with me. We'd been together for a year or so when I brought it up with him. It was his birthday and I'd naturally assumed he'd want to get laid on his birthday, but he said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep. An hour later I woke up and he wasn't in bed. I found him in the study watching some porn film online. I felt gutted. I mean, he'd made the clear choice between sex with me and watching porn, and he'd chosen the porn. I didn't get it.
Zach: The night Maggie busted me in the study I felt so stupid. We'd been out for dinner with friends, and had a fun night. In the Uber home she'd whispered in my ear some filthy things she wanted to do to me when we got home. Any guy would be thrilled. But me? I pretended I was tired so I wouldn't have to have sex with her. I don't even know why. It just felt like work, you know? I felt like sh*t about it for a minute but porn always makes me forget everything and soon I felt better. Until she walked in, that is. I'll never forget the look on her face.
Maggie: That was the beginning of the end, I think, although I didn't know it at the time. Zach told me he had an addiction right there and then. I boiled the kettle and we had a long talk. Zach said he wanted to get help, and that he loved me. I felt like he was being honest with me for the first time and I thought that was a good start. I also felt like he needed me again, which is clearly a weakness for me. It's something I am still working on — this need to be needed.
Zach: Maggie suggested we get couples therapy, and I agreed because I wanted her to trust me but I couldn't help but feel she wanted to blame me for everything. I wanted things to get better though, and at this stage I was still really hopeful that with a bit of help I could kick this habit and have a real and honest relationship with Maggie. But it was also humiliating — sitting down in front of a therapist and talking about why I prefer self pleasure to making love to my beautiful girlfriend. I felt like a child who was in trouble. Maggie and the therapist were falling all over themselves to be helpful and say nice things but it was all so patronising. Most of the time I said what I knew they wanted me to say — and meant it at the time — but when it was just Maggie and me I felt so self-conscious.
Maggie: I really thought we were making progress for a while. Zach and I were having sex more often and he wasn't using porn to get into it like he used to. He still talked during sex like he thought he was a porn star but I didn't mind. I guess I was in denial for a while there. We stopped seeing the therapist because Zach said he felt like he was better. It wasn't until we were on holidays that things started to unravel.
Zach: I guess I always knew in the back of my mind I was going to get caught at some stage. You can't do all the sh*t I've done and not get caught because you leave a trail and Maggie's not stupid. We'd been having this beautiful beach holiday. I'm confident when I have a few drinks and every night was cocktail night, so we were having lots of fun — and lots of sex. Then, in an instant, it all came crashing down.
Maggie: We were in our hotel room playing music and making margaritas when I jokingly had a go at Zach about his taste in music. He went to the bathroom and I grabbed his phone to change the playlist and that's when I saw it — he had Tinder on his phone. That was weird because neither of us had ever used dating apps when we first started seeing each other. I remember having that conversation. He said he found it too artificial. And yet here he was with Tinder on his phone.
Zach: I knew as soon as I came out of the bathroom because she had my phone and I could see the look on her face. She'd opened the app and was looking at my profile and my messages. I'd made sure I paid for the upgraded account so nobody could see me unless I liked them first, but that wasn't enough to stop me getting into trouble. I knew my relationship was over right then. There wasn't any point in trying to explain.
Maggie: He told me he didn't meet any of them. He just sexted, basically. He said he liked the anonymity of it, and that he wasn't responsible for them in any way … like having an adult relationship was beyond him or something. I didn't know whether he was lying — I still don't. It doesn't matter because I can't be with someone I can't trust. I wasn't looking for anything when I met Zach but I did fall in love with him, and it broke my heart to think I was never going to be enough for him. No matter what I did, the fact that I was a real woman was always going to make me too much hard work. It's taken me six months of therapy to finally accept that it's not me, it's totally him.
Zach: I couldn't take the pressure of her wanting me to be perfect all the time. It was never going to work. She went looking for reasons and she found one. Bravo.
