The trolls who get off on funeral hot pants

League player Manu Vatuvei and All Black Jerome Kaino carry Jonah Lomu's casket at the memorial service at Eden Park. Photo / Getty Images

Apparently my piece on the woman wearing gold hot pants at the public memorial service for Jonah Lomu caused a furore on the internet.

I didn't know this until someone messaged me horrified at the vitriol. I have to admit, once I've written something I NEVER re-read it. I certainly don't go online and read comments.

I also buy Woman's Day but don't read my own page. Wait. I also never listen back to myself on the radio, and I get mortified when I'm in a store and hear my voice, or see a picture of myself. I wonder who the "comment writers" on here or on "any" website are actually writing for?

Are they writing hoping the perpetrator of the writing is sitting hunched over their lap top crying into a large glass of warm sav? Are they writing out of indignance? Or is it, as I imagine, like sculling a shot of tequila for them?

Someone once told me, possibly a psychologist I may or may not have been seeing professionally, that when people lash out on the interweb, whether it's on Twitter or a Herald column, they "get off".

It's almost a perverse sexual "twang" and for others it's a rush. I wish I could get an "intimate buzz" or a high from writing crazy comments on the internet. Life would be so simple if a stabbing literary insult got me off, or got me high. I'm missing that plug hole on my circuit board.

What makes me want to write a comment on anything? I'm forced to open another can of Coke Zero and turn down the TV (big call because Master Chef is on, and I'm addicted to that luscious Matt Preston). I don't remember the last time I commented on anything on the internet, unless it was some attempt at a witty remark on a friend's Facebook page.

Wait. I DID message a blogger in London who was complaining about the startling anachronisms in Peaky Blinders but it was a "Good on you, girl!" post.

I don't think I've ever written anything negative or vicious in a comments section of anything. Generally, I read things, think about them, laugh or swear and then move on.

I wonder if rabid commenters have a 12-step programme? In the US everything has a 12-step programme. Alcoholics, drug addicts, sex and love addicts, over-eaters (I feel slightly guilty that I haven't considered attending that meeting), co-dependents (also probably helpful), porn addicts, internet gaming addicts.

There's a programme for everyone, often all taking place in the same building at the same regular intervals, 24/7. I wonder if there is a "Trollers Anonymous"? I could probably Google it, but I'm having rather more fun pontificating on it right now. How would it go?

"Hi, I'm Tristan and i'm a troll."

"Hi Tristan."

"It all began when I read a Tweet from Ed Sheeran, and I told him he was a red-haired git, and I felt really empowered. Then I went on to a Facebook fan page for Sol3 Mio and I said "I hate Tongans!" I didn't realise they were Samoan. Then I just started going on to the Herald website and commenting on everything. I found it turned me on, and I felt really important and sexy. I feel ashamed, but I can't stop! I'm a full-blown troll. Thanks for letting me share."

"Thanks Tristan" (Chorus of 20 people).

It's quite cool that some people get upset for me, but I just don't know about the crazy comments unless someone is affronted for me, and even then it doesn't drive me to go and look.

I don't look at what comes out of my body when I blow my nose either. Okay, that was a lie. I wonder if anyone will comment on this? I guess I'll never know, unless I somehow hit a nerve with a troll called Tristan, and suddenly I find a bag of dog poop on my doorstep.

I shouldn't imagine people who comment actually could be bothered delivering dog poop to everyone they trolled on the internet though, right? It's a bit too "actiony" (not a word, I know).

If you comment then I guess that's good for website hits? Please feel free to go wild, and if your name is Tristan and you go to "Trollers Anonymous" then I promise I didn't mean to blow your anonymity. It was just a wild guess.

- nzherald.co.nz

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