Exclusively stating the race you are sexually attracted to can be a form of racism, writes Lee Suckling. Photo / Getty Images
Exclusively stating the race you are sexually attracted to can be a form of racism, writes Lee Suckling. Photo / Getty Images
Warning: This story contains sexual content
Everybody has preferences in what they are attracted to sexually. Some people like blondes or redheads. Some are attracted to short people, others want a "tall drink of water". Some people like a partner with a belly on them, others want six-pack abs.
We accept this as an individual's right to choose, and because physical attraction is a big part of sex, I'm sure you would agree it's not right to have sex with someone you're not really that into.
Before the days of app-based dating, sexual preferences based on physical traits were somewhat kept under wraps. You didn't have to advertise what you were looking for.
Today in the Tinder and Grindr age, however, some people have taken the opportunity to use their bios and/or direct messages to explicitly state the ethnicities they are sexually attracted to. Or, most noxiously, sometimes which ethnic groups they are specifically not interested in.
This is where we wade into the difficult waters of racism, and what constitutes it. The definition of racism is "prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based on the belief that one's own race is superior." Thus leads us to the question: where does "preference" fit in here?
Sexual desire is a complicated and malleable beast. It's not static and it's often not easily defined. Often you can't explain why you're attracted to a person; the only adjective you can come up with to describe them is "sexy". Most people have little or no control over who they are attracted to, and who they are not.
Exclusively stating the race you are sexually attracted to can be a form of racism writes Lee Suckling. Photo / Getty Images
In saying that, sexual preference based on race becomes "prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism" when you use it to keep people "away" from you. When it goes from unspoken to spoken, it is used as a vehicle for segregation.
Exclaiming, "No Asians", or "I'm not attracted to black guys" in online dating, for example, is not exercising your right to voice your personal tastes. It's using negativism for the purpose of exclusion. It is used to reject somebody based (usually) on their status as a minority.
When race is used to reject somebody from sexual or romantic communication with you, it is categorically racist. End of story. Justifying it with "that's just my preference" is not okay.
A "preference" means your ideal situation, in a perfect world. It shouldn't mean you're not open to trying different things. We rarely have our ideals realised in real life, and that should not stop us from veering off course and discovering things we didn't know were equally desirable.
It's only fair to compare the opposite situation – when ethnicity is fetishised for sexual encounters – in order understand how that fares in the racism stakes, too. Here the desire can be flipped from prejudice to objectification.
For example, someone could say on their dating app profile that they are interested in connecting with Māori or Pasifika dates. Is this an acceptable way to express one's preference? It becomes problematic when that person is ONLY interested in you because you're a brown-skinned Polynesian person. Here, they are not keen on you for you; their attraction is likely a facile fetish based on stereotypes. Perhaps the easiest way to understand this is how African American men regularly deal with the intensely fetishised assumption they all have large penises.
This is racism because it accepts that all people of a certain ethnicity are interchangeable and replaceable. One's individuality is not seen; instead, they are categorised, and thus usually marginalised – another form of prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism.
Nobody needs to be told who they should and should not be sexually attracted to. As I said, sexual desire is multifaceted and difficult to understand. If you are going to seek out sexual partners based on the colour of their skin or the part of the world they're from, that's up to you.
I would just ask that you are mindful of it, and understand that sometimes the partners you're courting may be hurt in the process when their race becomes a qualifying factor in engaging with them.
