Carolyn Tate separated from her husband five years ago.Photo / Supplied
Carolyn Tate separated from her husband five years ago.Photo / Supplied
OPINION When I first separated from my ex-husband, nearly five years ago, I was devastated. Sure, I'd seen the split coming and by the time it happened I was more than ready to end our marriage and move on, but that doesn't mean I wasn't also heartbroken.
Nobody spends a fortune on a white dress and writes heartfelt vows thinking that some day they'll all amount to nothing.
Those early days of separation were harder than anything I had anticipated. We have two children, and had to navigate the world of effective co-parenting, property settlement and one of us finding another place to live.
The weight of it all was heavier than anything I've ever felt, but what surprised me was that I also quickly began to notice some incredible benefits to finally calling it quits on our marriage. Benefits that reassured me that I'd made the right decision.
Here are seven things that I found were undeniably better after I made the decision to divorce:
All breakups are different, but mine was long and excruciating. We spent two years trying to fix what was irreparably broken (and each other), and during that time, my house was a tense and hostile place.
When we finally made the decision to divorce, I felt free to exhale, to relax, and to stop feeling frustrated and disappointed on a daily basis. There was a refreshing clarity and relief to it that I'll never forget.
Carolyn feels more liberated since her divorce. Photo / Supplied
I had young children when my marriage ended, and we were still in the trenches of night waking, kindy, cutting up dinners and wiping bottoms. When we separated, we were lucky enough to be in a position to share custody of our children 50-50, and I got the opportunity to rediscover who I was outside of working mum and frustrated wife.
I swam in the ocean, walked in the bush, read books, attended concerts and plays, went out with friends, and spent time doing nothing at all – stuff I never could have dreamt of doing when I was married.
3. Your home is yours alone
Relationships are, by necessity, all about compromise. Being on your own is the opposite of that. When my ex-husband moved out, I took the opportunity to decorate my home how I liked it – which was pretty much the opposite of how it had been.
I may or may not have overdosed on pink furnishings and fluffy cushions, just because I could, but it was immensely satisfying and every day when I walked through my front door I felt like I was truly home.
4. You get to design your own future
It can be heart-breaking at first, thinking about all those plans you had for the future that will now never be – but you get to come up with your own plan, exactly as you want it. Want to study, travel (Covid notwithstanding), buy a farm, volunteer, retire to the beach? Do it!
5. You get to call the money shots
Sure, your income probably just took a nosedive, but so did your spending, and all those communication problems you had about money.
When I was married, I truly believed that any financial problems we had were entirely my fault but since we separated, I've budgeted, spent and invested wisely, and have never been late for a single bill.
My financial confidence has soared, and it's wonderful to know that whatever my fiscal state, I've got a clear view of it, and it's mine and mine alone.
6. I'm a fully present parent
Sharing custody of my kids means that when they're with me, I'm 100 per cent there, says Tate. Photo / Getty Images
I remember being a tired working mum and wife, juggling all my responsibilities and never being fully present. But sharing custody of my kids means that when they're with me, I'm 100 per cent there. We play games, read books, go on excursions, laugh, tell stories and look each other in the eye when we're talking.
Then, when they go to their dad's place, I spend time taking care of myself and recharging. It's a dream set-up and I see my children thriving because of it.
7. I got to date again, and this time I knew what I was doing
Dating as a fully realised adult has been a revelation. I know my own worth, I'm not that bothered if someone doesn't like me, and I don't need anyone to "complete" me. All that meant that I attracted men who were far more compatible with me, and I had so much fun. And I've now settled into the best and healthiest relationship I've ever had in my life.
Divorce isn't something any of us aspire to, but there aren't many moments in our lives where we get a real opportunity for a clean slate and a "do over". We all need some time to grieve what we've lost but once the grieving is over, there's a genuine opportunity to reframe and see the potential in your situation.
Sure, it's easier to bleed than it is to sweat, but sweating is what makes the magic happen.
