The secrets to a good friendship, how to start one and when to cut friends loose - The Little Things

With age comes an appreciation for things taken for granted and the importance of long-term close friendships becomes more evident. Photo / 123rf

As humans, we all need companionship, and many of us find that through the friends we make. But what exactly makes a great friend?

“It seems like a simple question but you’d be surprised how many people don’t know the answer to that,” says Hannah Korrell, a neuropsychologist and author of the book How to Break Up With Friends

”People don’t really think about that question of what makes a relationship, a good friendship. We take it for granted. We think about it with family and in toxic family relationships. We think about it in relationships with our partners ...

“But we don’t really put friendship through the same level of scrutiny.”

Korrell spent a decade studying the conditions of the brain and the psychology of relationships, and has turned that expertise into exploring what we need from friendship and what value it brings to our lives.

Speaking to Francesca Rudkin and Louise Ayrey on their NZ Herald podcast The Little Things, Korrell said that one thing people overestimated was how many strong friendships they needed.

“There’s this callable number called the ‘Dunbar number’. And Robin Dunbar is a sociologist who’s done a bit of research into basically the real estate of your brain – so how big is the part of your brain that can handle close relationships?

“And what his research has indicated is that your brain is only really hardwired to have about five super-close relationships.”

She said those could be a mix of people, such as siblings or a partner, but the “ride or die” friendships could be part of that.

“The less intimate the relationship, the more your brain can handle. So, as your circle of friends gets further out, your brain can handle more people on that level.

“So it kind of is a nice way of taking the pressure off individuals to feel like they have to have oodles and oodles of close friends. In fact, the research is telling us you can get the most beautiful relationships and they tend to be with a few close people, rather than diluted over heaps of more acquaintance-type friends.”

When it comes to maintaining those relationships, though, it can be trickier as we get older. Korrell said she had seen stats suggesting one in every two people feels some degree of loneliness.

“The positive thing about that is that every second person is looking for connection. Every second person is seeking more intimacy and time with someone who they enjoy the company of.”

The big question is: what are you doing to make those connections?

“Friends don’t happen in a vacuum. We don’t walk to the shops and very rarely you would go grocery shopping or walk along the street and spontaneously make a friend.

“The key things that allow you to potentially foster a friendship are proximity and time, right? If you are going to the same place at the same time consistently, then you will meet the same people and friendship will foster.”

Listen to the full episode of The Little Things for more on friendships, including the four key attributes that make a good friendship, how to know if a relationship is a keeper, and if a friendship is worth cutting loose.

The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. The series is hosted by broadcaster Francesca Rudkin and health researcher Louise Ayrey. New episodes are available every Saturday.