The secret life of a Kiwi swinger: 'The most alive and thrilling time'

There were "definitely challenges around jealousy" and "it created some self-esteem issues for my husband", says a Kiwi woman who embarked on a series of sexual encounters outside of her marriage. Photo / Getty Images

A New Zealand woman has revealed to the Herald her foray into swinging – or Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), as is the preferred term these days. This is her recount of the "thrill", the "female empowerment" and the jealousy sparked by months of "fantastic sex" with myriad partners outside of her marriage.

It began with a book, Amy* tells the Herald: "Sex at Dawn. It opened my eyes to a new understanding of sexuality and what society had portrayed," she says of the Christopher Ryan text that details a history of sexual practices and, according to reviews, aims to challenge general opinion and expectations around sex and monogamy.

As Amy finished the final chapter, she couldn't help but reflect on her own sex life, impacted in part by her husband being away a lot for work. She decided to broach the idea of sex outside of their marriage.

"We had a very strong relationship, together 21 years. And we had worked through hardships and were very in love. We had a chat about it and discussed if it could be something to try. It seemed to fit."

What followed was "the most alive and thrilling time" in Amy's life.

"I had an amazing experience. For me, I had very respectful, beautiful people that organically came into my life."

Amy says their journey began in 2018 with a threesome: "I didn't have anyone in mind but I did want to try a threesome with another guy. So that started the conversations.

"A guy friend who I was chatting to - as he and his ex-wife were ENM - said he would be our third. So, it sort of kicked off from that."

She says she and her husband didn't seek out encounters or meet anyone online where it appears the New Zealand swingers community is alive and well: kiwiswingers.co.nz is a site for singles and couples to meet, video chat and swap partners. It boasts over 160,000 members.

But Amy and her husband decided to keep things off line, agreeing that "if there was a connection with someone we came across in our daily lives, we were free to pursue it."

For Amy, this turned out to be between 20 to 30 encounters, averaging a few each month.

She recalls one in particular that took place on a lone country road.

"All areas of my life felt like they had the volume turned up," says Amy of her extra-marital encounters.

"I organised to meet my friend on a deserted road in the country when I was out on a road bike.

"This was a purely sexual relationship. We didn't really meet for dinners as he was married with kids and also ENM."

Amy also reveals a dual encounter with her husband and another lover.

"I had my lover come in the morning and then a few hours later my husband arrived home too. So I had a very empowered experience that I was able to fully step into and be okay with as it wasn't hurting anyone and both guys were turned on too."

She says while to some the experience "might sound very promiscuous", she argues that "female sexual capacity has been played down for so long".

However, Amy and her husband didn't discuss their escapades with many others, choosing to share with just "a couple of friends that were more open-minded and thought what we were doing was cool."

After almost two years of extra-marital sexual exploits, Amy and her husband decided to return to a closed marriage.

There were "definitely challenges around jealousy" and "it created some self-esteem issues for my husband", reflects Amy.

They eventually identified the jealousy as "a blanket term": Amy came to realise the feeling for her was more a "fear of missing out" and things reached a point where she "wasn't handling it as well as I wanted to".

"It came to an end with a discussion that we needed to focus more on us and we had a few big other life situations going on with kids and family."

While her husband made the call to end their experience, Amy says it was a period in her life that taught her a lot.

"The impact was a mix of both good and bad. My husband and I opened up and our communication went from good to amazing. I learnt a lot about sexual empowerment, to find my confidence as a woman.

"That sexual energy is a life force, that when given the right and respectful space can make all aspects of your life vibrant and alive.

"All areas of my life felt like they had the volume turned up. From working out to doing the grocery shopping to just feeling fully alive and grateful to have discovered this capacity as a human and a woman."

Amy's advice for anyone considering this type of relationship is to start out small: "If you want to have a threesome or go together to a party or an event, have the discussion with your partner. If that goes well and it's something you both are comfortable with I would suggest a sex and play coach to help align both of your desires and boundaries."

Looking back, she says she wishes they'd had someone to "guide us through the sticky bits".

Ultimately, Amy believes people shouldn't fear stepping outside the traditional societal definitions of marriage. "It's your own organic entity that you both get to nurture and have fun with. It is a heavy subject, opening up a relationship, but it doesn't have to be. It's about fun and play. If you both can get clear on what you want and your boundaries, it's amazing ... and it doesn't have to stay open. if it doesn't work then you have both learnt and expanded and grown as individuals."

*Amy's name has been changed to protect her identity.