The right time for a tricky conversation

Men are willing to talk just as they have sat down to dinner, while women prefer to chat in the morning. Photo / Thinkstock

I'd say: never. But I suppose sometimes these chats need to happen. Vital subjects such as "Where is the iPhone charger that I have said many times must not be moved from the kitchen?" or "Why has the milk been left out of the fridge again?" must at some point be attended to, or all hell will break loose.

But when and how, in the minefield of marital communication, can you have these conversations without them ending in a terrific, door-slamming row?

A survey of 1,000 men and women by the supermarket Asda showed that men are willing to talk just as they have sat down to dinner, while women are most likely to bring up tricky topics at 8.20 in the morning.

My question is: who are these lunatic women who can think about anything beyond a list of tedious but pressing duties at 8.20 in the morning?

Or perhaps I have misunderstood: when the survey says "bring up tricky topics", it really means a woman bellowing at her husband: "Why do you have to leave your f***king shoes right there where I always trip over them?"

With a two- and a four-year-old to feed, dress, steer away from scissors, bleach and each other's throats, the hours between 7am and 9am in our house are a minefield. Anyone crazy enough to tackle a topic beyond tea and toast frankly deserves to be blown, metaphorically, into smithereens.

But it's true that I have once or twice tried to start tricky conversations in the morning. We all have different things on our minds first thing. I feel tired, put-upon and ugly, and it's tempting to snap at or nag my husband to offload some annoyance. I also know I need to bring things up as I think of them and not wait until later as the thought will have sailed merrily out of my brain (only to be remembered at 8.20 the following morning).

My husband, however, wakes up feeling neurotic, stressed and urgent about work. And the only thing that stops him feeling like this is getting to work and doing his work. Bringing up anything other than work is enraging to him. Don't I understand about work? About his work? Why am I talking about anything other than work?

So apart from the briefest of exchanges about tea and toast, my husband and I will occasionally ask each other "Everything all right with you?" This sentence sends chills down my spine, because it doesn't mean what you think it means.

It actually means: "Why are you in such a filthy mood? Snap out of it." And of course, the only appropriate response, unless you are actively looking for a fight, is: "Yes, I'm fine."

But take my hand and fly with me now, forwards to dinnertime: if I were to set my husband's fragrantly steaming supper in front of him and then wait about 90 seconds and then say "What are your thoughts about getting a dog?" I will get an entirely different response from the one I'd get 12 hours earlier. The same is true of me: give me two sleeping children, a glass of wine and a salty snack and I'm all ears.

Even then, you can't just say whatever you like. For example, neither of us would ever use the phrase "We need to talk," as we would be so unnerved we would call a divorce lawyer pre-emptively.

And in the seven years I have been with my husband, I have learnt that you cannot blurt out "It's really annoying when you don't put stuff away after you've cooked, even though you're always nagging me to." You have to say: "Can we have a conversation about the most efficient use of the kitchen countertops?"

I know, it sounds exhausting. Which is why, wherever possible, I tackle these topics via email. That way we can all enjoy our dinner in peace.