In today’s headlines with Chereè Kinnear the most burgled neighbourhoods revealed, debate over speed limit increases and cardiologists warn of a heart services crisis.
Almost every person has felt concern, however fleeting, that their partner might have an affair behind their back. However, research is available that shows much of what we thought we knew about infidelity and the motivators behind it is misguided.
However, what’s remarkable about this platform is that, even after its global scandal, the website boasts over 70 million users, a number comparable to the 75 million active users on Tinder.
The docuseries spotlights numerous couples, many of who were in seemingly happy, fulfilling relationships. Yet, individuals within these couplings still chose to have an affair that could ruin the lives they had built together.
The common belief is that people succumb to infidelity because they’re unhappy with some aspect of their relationship, particularly a lack of sex or sexual attraction. Yet much of the time, this isn’t the case.
As a sex coach, I’ve worked with female clients who were leading thriving sex lives with their partner that included playful, pleasurable intercourse multiple times a week, only for their significant other to eventually confess they had been having an affair.
The Ashley Madison series tells the story behind the data breach of the infidelity website through the people affected by it. Photo / Netflix
The research available reflects this experience and indicates that the primary motivation behind infidelity is a desire for excitement.
While for most, a sense of safety, comfort, and dependability is something to aspire to within a relationship, it can be a double-edged sword that prompts some to search for thrills in the bed of someone new.
Is it ever okay to have an affair?
Those who turn to affairs tend to create justifications for their behaviour, but for most of us, the answer to this question is an easy no.
One client of mine, whom I’ll call Sarah, found herself battling with the repercussions of her husband’s behaviour for years after it occurred.
She would unexpectedly feel waves of anger interrupt her day as she was reminded of the affair he had admitted to having with a younger woman.
In particular, their sex life went from being pleasant to non-existent, as any desire she was able to locate was curbed by intrusive thoughts about what he had done with this other woman and whether he had enjoyed sex with her more.
She chose to stay with him and eventually processed the experience through our sessions. However, elements of this experience have been shared by every client of mine who has been cheated on, demonstrating how deep the hurt of infidelity can go.
So, what do you do if you feel the desire to stray?
While having an affair is never the right course of action, feeling attracted to someone outside your relationship is normal and common.
If it’s a harmless crush or a fleeting moment of attraction to someone you pass on the street, there’s no need to bring this up with your partner and create unnecessary insecurity.
However, if the desire to stray continues, you may consider how you can reignite the excitement within your relationship to build fulfilment here. This might include exploring more kinky sexual escapades or going on a sexy vacation equipped with red wine and a California king bed in a beautiful hotel suite.
Alternatively, you could consider opening your relationship up to options like swinging or polyamory. However, it’s crucial this is done carefully with the support of a counsellor who specialises in ethical non-monogamy, ensuring that the feelings of your existing partner are prioritised.
