Think everyone is going at it except for you? Think again. Photo / 123RF
Think everyone is going at it except for you? Think again. Photo / 123RF
If you are in a long-term relationship and are starting to feel that things in the bedroom are getting a bit stale - don’t worry, you aren’t alone.
Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo is the author of The Good Partner, which is aimed at helping people learn who they are in a relationship, rather than tools to try to save a relationship or “fix” things.
Speaking to Francesca Rudkin and Louise Ayrey on the first episode of The Little Things, the NZ Herald’s new wellbeing podcast, Nimmo said that often when people think of intimacy in a relationship they go straight to sex - and how other people may be having more fun than they are.
“What we need to say about sex up front is, everybody thinks that other people are having more sex than them, and everybody thinks that other people are having better sex than them.
While physical intimacy is important, Nimmo said it is one of four ways that people can show intimacy with their partner.
There’s emotional intimacy, which is feeling close to each other emotionally. Intellectual, which is around shared work interests or shared intellectual kind of interests, which is why people get into relationships at work often because they share that bond in terms of the way they think.
“And spiritual intimacy, which sounds a bit kind of woo-woo, but the spiritual is more about just the little things that make you feel like you’re in sync with a person. The nicknames, the funny little in-jokes, that kind of thing. So there are lots of ways that you can be close to somebody.
“And I think that sex in the world we live in takes so much centre stage when there are a lot of reasons why people are not having [and] don’t need to have lots of sex. There are lots of ways to have great close relationships.”
Another common misconception is the idea that we should tell our partners everything - something Nimmo said we should absolutely not be doing.
“If we were to examine and hear all the thoughts that were going through our partner’s heads, we would be horrified and bored.”
She said it’s not about being “fast and loose with the truth”, but more about editing your thoughts with your partner in mind.
Listen to the full podcast for more tips on maintaining a healthy relationship, including what to do when the cracks are too big to ignore, and why its not worth fighting over the dishwasher.
The Little Things is available on iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes are available on Saturdays.
