At it like rabbits? Kiwi couple reveal all. Photo / Getty Images.
Four couples at different life stages tell Sinead Corcoran Dye the truth about what happens in the bedroom.
Jess and Tom – mid-twenties
When Jess and Tom first got together in their early 20s, they were at it “like rabbits” and having sex upwards of three times a day for the first year.
“It was exhausting!” says Jess. “But we were both young and only working part-time, very cruisy jobs with no real responsibility.”
That eventually changed – in part due to the usual factors like life stress and work becoming more demanding, but mostly because of something no new young couple expects to have to deal with – losing a baby.
“All of a sudden, I had absolutely no interest in sex, and that lasted three or four months. Sometimes we would try, but I would shut down. I wasn’t interested and had no libido, plus I was in and out of hospital with complications from the miscarriage,” Jess says.
And while a few months of abstinence is completely understandable after experiencing such a trauma, Jess was hard on herself.
“I felt sh*t that we had stopped having sex, because we were so young, and at that age you do compare your sex life to your friends. But of course, our friends weren’t dealing with what we were – they just got to be normal, fun young couples.”
Eventually Jess and Tom got through it and Jess said that was a “reset point” for their sex life.
“But it never went back to being three times a day, and I think that was also me down to putting on a lot of weight at that time and that affecting my confidence. The miscarriage definitely had a ripple effect on my life because for the next year after losing the baby, my counsellor at the time had told me, ‘do whatever makes you feel good, whatever gives you comfort’. And for me that was eating KFC and McDonald’s every day.”
The couple have now been together six years and have sex once or twice a fortnight – but while the frequency has decreased, the quality of the sex is better than when they first got together.
“I feel like that’s because we’ve been through so much together, so it feels really intimate,” explains Jess.
“‘Making love’ is such a cliché but because we’ve had those tough life experiences together, we have a really deep connection.”
According to a study from the Kinsey Institute for research in Sex, Reproduction and Gender, researchers found that those aged 18 to 29 are having sex an average of 112 times a year, or twice weekly.
Jess says except for that period after losing the baby, they’ve always rejected societal pressures to be having a lot of sex – and she’s only ever keen on the weekends anyway.
“To me, having sex on like a Wednesday after a long day of work when you could be watching TV? That’s crazy. But on a Saturday morning before a little beach walk and cafe brunch where you’ve both got a sexy, sweaty glow? Delicious.”
She says she’s “mostly happy” with the frequency, but that it would be nice to want to have it more – like wanting to want to go to the gym.
“Because when I am having sex, I’m like, ‘yeah this is great!’ I have a good time, and it brings us closer together. But on a weeknight? I’m sorry, who has the energy?”
Daniel and Richie – Late 30s, in an open relationship
Daniel and Richie have been together for eight years and married for four. They have an open marriage, which for Daniel was essential.
“On our first date I told him that if this was to work, I still wanted to be allowed to sleep with other people”.
Richie wasn’t initially sold on the idea and took some convincing.
“Being open was really difficult for me at first. But we eventually worked it out and learned to trust each other, and I became excited to explore things with him that I had never experienced before.”
In 2005, a study found that more than 40 per cent of homosexual couples had an agreement that sex outside the relationship was permissible, while less than 5 per cent of heterosexual and lesbian couples reported the same.
Other studies since have suggested that non-monogamous relationships can lead to a happier, more fulfilling relationship – but society still tends to stigmatise open relationships.
Daniel says at the start of their relationship their sex life was “wild,” and no location was off limits.
“We used to have sex everywhere: public parks, cars, other people’s houses, beaches, saunas - you name it.”
He does however admit he initially took the “open” element of their relationship too far – having sex with other people and then bragging about it openly to their mutual friends.
After eight years together the amount of sex they have together has decreased because of a “shift in priorities”, but Daniel says what hasn’t slowed down is the amount of sex outside of their marriage.
“We have sex with other people all the time. While in the beginning it caused a lot of fights and jealousy, these days we totally trust each other and it’s just really normal now.”
“Sex together isn’t as frequent, but we still have a great time when we do - I can’t stand the thought of having sex with him ‘just because’. Our connection is deeper than sex.”
Daniel – who is “always” the one to initiate, also has sex with multiple partners at one time regularly. Sometimes this includes Richie, but often it doesn’t.
“Usually it’s anonymous sex, but sometimes it’s friends with benefits. The two of us have sex too and that’s fun, but what’s even more fun is having sex with other people.
Richie says one thing they both find erotic is having sex with each other after they’ve slept with other people.
While Daniel wishes he and Richie had sex together more often, Richie is happy with the quantity.
“I think there’s a lot of pressure externally that we should be having more sex together, especially because we have so much of it outside of our marriage – but who cares? We’re into each other, we love each other so much, we talk all the time and our marriage isn’t just about sex.”
Abby and Nick – late 30s and early 40s
Abby and Nick met in their late 20s and have now been together 12 years. Abby already had a daughter when they got together – and as blended families will know, there’s no real honeymoon period when there are children involved.
“We’ve always had a ‘quality over quantity’ approach to intimacy, especially because I had a kid who lived with me, and she was always around,” explains Abby.
“So, we weren’t like most new couples who have sex every day at the start – even when we first got together, we still only had sex every couple of weeks – we were more like a long-term couple in that respect.”
The couple say the frequency hasn’t changed over the years – particularly since having more kids together.
“At the most it will be once a week, unless we’re on holiday where we have more sex.”
The Kinsey study found that, like Abby, those between the ages of 30 and 39 are having sex an average of 86 times annually, or 1.6 times a week.
And sexual activity tails off even further for 40 to 49-year-olds like Nick who have half the amount of sex of their 20-something counterparts, getting it on 69 times a year.
Nick says, more often than not, he’s the one to initiate intimacy as Abby’s personality isn’t one to take control – but that their libidos are always in sync and she never shuts his advances down.
“We’re always on the same wavelength. We have very similar sex drives,” says Abby.
But unlike Jess and Tom, they don’t wish they were having more sex – they’re more than happy with the frequency.
“The idea of having sex daily is so boring to me,” says Nick. “It would feel like a chore.”
“I know a lot of men want it as much as they can get it, but I’ve never been a ‘just hump ‘til you finish then fall asleep’ kind of guy. I like it to be fun. Also, I’m 42 now, so I don’t have the drive of a 25-year-old anymore.”
And Abby agrees.
“I’ve had that before in relationships, where the guy wanted to have sex all the time just for the sake of it. I went along with it at the time, but I hated it, it felt like a ‘tick box’ at the end of the night and I’d always be cringing. By the end of the relationship, it was resentment sex. I’m so happy our marriage isn’t like that.”
The couple admit it can also be difficult to get into the “zone” when they’re full-time parents.
“When we do have sex, it tends to be during the day when it’s fun and spontaneous – because in the evenings you’re doing the dinner, bath and bed routine with kids and it can feel impossible to then click into ‘right, now it’s time for sex’,” says Nick.
“Yup, I’m all for it during the day,” says Abby. “But by nine o clock at night, I’m tired and I’m touched out – I’ve been pecked at like a duck all day by the children.”
Despite only having sex every few weeks, the couple are still touchy’ with each other on a daily basis – and say their great communication keeps their marriage strong.
“We’re not afraid to have difficult or awkward conversations – and that extends to our sex life.”
And as to whether they think the frequency of their sex life will increase once their kids are out of the house – Nick thinks it’s unlikely.
“I’ll be in my 50s by then! And for me it’s not even about the kids, I’ve just never liked the idea of having routine, maintenance-style sex for the sake of it. If it’s not spontaneous and fun, it doesn’t appeal to me.”
Because while the frequency is the same as it’s always been, the couple say the quality has only improved the longer they’ve been together.
“We’ve grown into each other, learned more about each other and we’ve had some interesting sexual experiences over the years,” says Abby.
“If one of us is interested in trying something new sexually, we’re never scared to approach the other person to suggest it. We’re both really open-minded – even me, who’s pretty submissive, I’m always happy to explore something. And the more we have those kinds of conversations, the better our sex gets.”
Barbara and Steve – late 50s and mid-60s
Steve and Barbara have been together for 27 years. When they first got together, they had “amazing chemistry” and had sex seven or eight times a week – sometimes twice a day.
“When we met, the sex was exciting, joyful, fun, affirming, loving and frequent,” says Steve.
“We had connected immediately on a very deep level and became committed for life. So, the sex wasn’t just sex but part of a whole, healthy, and loving relationship.”
Steve says over the years their sex life hasn’t so much changed, as evolved.
“This has been a gradual process along with all other aspects of our relationship,” he explained.
“We all change as we grow older, but we have been lucky to grow together while some people grow apart.”
They now have sex once or twice a week – and put that down to the demands of their jobs leaving little time for anything else, insisting it’s nothing to do with their sexual attraction for each other.
“We have less sex now than when we were younger, but quality over quantity is always better,” says Steve.
“To have the person you love want and trust you sexually, I find incredibly affirming and wonderful. Sex is a time for just us. In the moment I feel incredibly alive.”
If they’re away on holiday they’ll have sex every day – but in a typical week they make sure to set every Sunday aside for sex and the couple say it “couldn’t get better”.
“Part of being together a long time is you know the other people’s likes and dislikes,” explains Steve.
“Sex-wise you know what works for both of you, so you do that – you develop a bit of a shorthand.”
And the couple “haven’t had to use sex toys yet”.
“We’ve had no need,” says Barbara. “We can only take so many orgasms! We have at least three every time.”
As a teenager Barbara suffered some sexual trauma and says if she could go back and talk to her younger self, she would get her to seek help sooner, to prevent it causing issues in her adult sex life.
“I still enjoy sex now, but sometimes I have flashbacks and nightmares from these past experiences, and often find it hard to be present during sex.”
But the couple remain determined to have a healthy and consistent sex life, even into their golden years.
“I would be concerned if we ever stopped having sex, unless it was for health reasons,” says Steve.
“To me, no sex in a relationship is a giant red flag.”
Barbara and Steve say that while the younger generation seems to have sex, and in particular pornography, at their fingertips – they hope this doesn’t impact on them developing “sincere, loving and lasting” relationships.
The Kinsey study did not go beyond those in their 50s and beyond, which appears to back up separate research which found that sexuality among older people is largely ignored.
Barbara and Steve urge people to reconsider the idea that the older generation don’t remain sexual, and sexually active.
“Remember, the eyes we look out of are often much younger than those looking back at us in the mirror,” says Steve.
“It seems strange that many seem disparaging of the older community yet hope to live into old age. Surely you would you want those older years to include a healthy libido and sexual intimacy.”
Miscarriage If you think you may be having a miscarriage, contact your lead maternity carer - this may be a midwife or your GP. Alternatively, call Healthline free on 0800 611 116, or visit your local Urgent Medical Centre or hospital Visit the Miscarriage Support website or join the Facebook group. Visit the Sands website. Sands supports parents and families who have experienced the death of a baby. Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor.
Sexual harm If it’s an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111. If you’ve ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact Safe to Talk confidentially, any time 24/7: • Call 0800 044 334 • Text 4334 • Email support@safetotalk.nz • For more info or to web chat visit safetotalk.nz If you have been sexually assaulted, remember it’s not your fault.
They were in a 'secure and happy relationship' - until his mum interfered.