The happy single mum

After packing up her two sons in Dunedin and driving to a new life and career in Auckland, Karla McNeill couldn't be happier as a single mum. She tells her story.

I guess I was like every woman who thinks marriage is the right thing to do. I was older when I married, about 28; my husband was seven years older than me. Getting married wasn't conditioned into me, it wouldn't have mattered if I did or didn't. But at that moment, it felt right - we both had jobs, we both had children (I had a son, Phoenix, from a previous relationship), and we both owned houses in Dunedin. Then together we had our son, Djani.

I believe when you're in a relationship, it takes two to share the load; it's only fair. But I don't believe you need two parents to raise a child.

It was hard trying to be a successful parent in that relationship, where he struggled to cope with the responsibilities that come with being a father, so I made the decision - basically for my children - to go it alone. Phoenix was at primary school, Djani was 4 and I was one year into my training at teachers' college. It's really hard to go back as an adult student, and I think the stresses of that first year had an effect on my marriage too.

So when the relationship ended, I went on the DPB. Thank God for that - it covered my fees, and gave me the chance to do what I needed to do.
I went into my second year realising there was no way I could do this as well as be single and a good mum, so I negotiated to spread the last two years over three. It was a simple argument really - how could I be a good teacher if I wasn't a good mother?

But the hardest decision I had to make came at the end of my studies. Even though I was an A+ student, I'd known all along it was unlikely I'd get a teaching job in Dunedin - there just weren't any. So through all those years of study, I had to psych myself up to the fact we would have to leave our home and our family. It was a huge thing to get my head around - we're very family-oriented and I couldn't have raised my boys without the support of my mum.

I phoned an employment agency in Auckland and the woman on the other end of the line basically said "you're going to be employed here, so come up". It was a big risk, but she was just so sure.

I had friends in Auckland and, at that point in my life, I needed friends. I wasn't unhappy with my life - but I needed my friends, and I needed a job.

So we packed up the house in four days. Our Dunedin home was a huge, four-bedroom villa on a quarter acre (0.4ha) with a trampoline, a playground and an orchard ... and a small mortgage. I virtually sold all the furniture, arranged the tenants, and Phoenix, Djani and I drove north.

We each had a sleeping bag tied to the roof of the car and the boys were allowed to grab three toys, their three favourite books and their best clothes. My space allocation was filled with teacher's resources; I'd thrown out all my clothes. In the boot was a tiny TV, our computer and my teaching stuff. It took us three days to drive up but I wish we'd taken longer because we had so much fun. It was the start of our adventure.

I had five teaching interviews straight away, and on the first interview I got the job that I love, at Mt Eden Normal Primary. The risk was paying off.

Finding somewhere to live within the school zone for Djani was tough. We'd go to a flat and there would be 30 people lining up for it.

Getting around the city was stressful - we broke into tears one day, Djani and I. We kept driving around in circles in Orakei, and I just pulled over and had a cry. We learned a valuable lesson that day - don't get in your car in Auckland without a map.

I knew it was going to be tough but I never questioned our move. The minute we got here it was all exciting and new. That attitude was important for my parenting - if I'd got stressed or freaked out, the kids would have, too. In fact, I lost weight, stopped biting my nails and started looking gorgeous! It was about new beginnings.

Financially it was an eye-opener - going from paying $200 a fortnight off the mortgage in Dunedin, to $350 a week for a two-bedroom unit in Mt Eden. My boys are sharing a room, and that's not ideal now that Phoenix is a teenager.

We had nothing as far as possessions went, so I walked into the Salvation Army, told them my story, and they said "choose whatever you want". Basically everything you see in my flat - the beds, the couch, table and chairs, shelves - was all for $150. You can get very caught up in the consumer society and I could have fallen into that trap easily but I'm a simplistic person. Leaving my huge home and coming here, I've gone so far that I don't need materialistic things anymore.

I'm 38 and Teachers' College set me back financially but I'm good with money. I'm not from a wealthy family but they taught me sensible financial instincts. I think I've done a really good job being cautious and instilling those values in my children.

If I got back into a relationship I might slip back into needing nice kitchen things and the whole "image" scenario. But we manage and we're happy. Of course, having a double income would be huge, but to be honest, I've never had that security so I've never relied on it.

We suffer in that respect - we don't get to go skiing or on overseas holidays like some families do. But we go camping and to the beach and have picnics. Phoenix is right into skateboarding, so in the last holidays, we googled all the skateparks in Auckland and had a picnic at a different one each day, then we would go to Mission Bay for a swim. To the kids, that's the ultimate day.

It's sad Djani's dad isn't there when he has successes or does something funny. It's not that I want to share - I just feel it's sad that he misses some things.

Phoenix's dad Mike is a great dad. We separated when Phoenix was 2, but we've remained good friends, and he lives just along the road. Sometimes he'll take both the boys out for the day.

Is it important for the children to have a father figure? Only if he is a good father ... if he is someone who the child can respect and look up to. Parenting has to be taken seriously; you have to teach your children good values, respect and manners, and teach by example.

Now Phoenix has grown into a teenager, he needs his dad. Djani thinks the world of his own dad, and he phones him up to talk. Ultimately we would like to get back to having a reasonable relationship with him.

I've been in Auckland two years and out of a relationship for five; two or three of those years were spent getting over the marriage. But I can genuinely say that I am extremely happy. It's so nice to be emotionally and financially secure and stable.

Since I hit Auckland, I've never been happier in my life. Phoenix is in his element here as a skateboarder, and Djani, who's 9 now, has settled in. They still miss Dunedin - the local skatepark, the trampoline and Grandma's lolly jar.

The most mature decision I made after my marriage broke up was to get to know myself again. We say that we will, but we actually don't. I'm finding lost friends on Facebook and I'm spending more time with my boys. We're too fast-paced in life today that we forget to actually sit down and talk to our kids, enjoy them.

I guess I'm at the stage where I think, "should I be in a relationship or is our life too good?" And that's literally how I feel. In a relationship, there's co-dependency. Your feelings subside, you start putting expectations on your partner and you get depressed that they're not being realised. It's actually a happier lifestyle being single.

If I ever need someone to talk to, I ring Mum - more for a laugh than anything. My parents split up when I was 6 but they've always had a wonderful relationship and displayed to me what sensible, caring parents should do - put their children first. They miss us but they also accept that I can't be a good parent if I don't have a job and if I'm not happy.

The hardest part of being a single parent? Having to cook every meal, and driving the kids around to sport. From the minute Phoenix could talk, he wanted to do gymnastics, which involves a lot of competitions that cost money. He's also done karate and soccer, basketball and rugby - a typical kid. As part of teacher's training, I volunteered to coach Djani's hockey team, so I could be Mum and enjoy him too.

I reached one stage where I was literally driving from place to place to place - what parent hasn't? But being a single parent, the petrol money quickly adds up and you feel like you're living in your car.

I try to keep the boys healthy and cook decent meals and we do the table thing, eating together and talking. But to come home from work, cook, do the dishes and that everyday domestic stuff on your own, it's truly hard. The boys have jobs to do, which helps.

Being single, I'm certain I'm there for them a lot more. My work is right around the corner, so they sit down and do their homework with me. It's very special to me teaching at Djani's school - what mum wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall? I get to see his cute little face in assembly and he's always so proud to see me there.

We have a nice, normal family life that I think a lot of people don't enjoy. And it doesn't take a dad to have that.

I'm incredibly proud of our family - both my boys love and respect me, and people tell me they are growing up really wonderful boys. That's all you can hope for, isn't it? That they grow up to be wonderful, secure people.

A lot of friends my age don't have children and they're on a different wavelength. As a parent, you can't be selfish, you don't question happiness. I feel like slapping people who say they are bored. I never feel lonely; I love my own time.

I'm on an even keel - not depressed, and not on a high. I'm a happy person every day: happy to get up and go to work and simply happy to spend time with my boys. I doubt I'd change that for the world.

As told to Suzanne McFadden.