Looking after someone else's child is no doddle. Photo / Sergiu Valenas, Unsplash
OPINION:
I'm standing at the bottom of what is known as "death slide". It terrifies me just to look up. The play centre around us is heaving and George, my four-year-old grandson, is charging through the crowd, heading for the steps.
"You're not going on that!" I call out. "But Mummy lets me," he says. Does she? How do I know? This wasn't on my list of dos and don'ts. "Don't you think it's too high?" I say. Even as I speak, I know this is a big mistake. I'm meant to be the adult here, making decisions. Aren't I?
"It's not," he retorts. Within seconds, he's halfway up. I watch, heart in mouth, while he disappears for a few long seconds. Then I see a small blue sweat-shirted child (mine) hurtling down. I am almost physically sick. "See, Gan Gan!" he says, jumping off triumphantly. "I told you it was all right."
Looking after someone else's child is no doddle. Forget that old saying, "just having to hand them back at the end of the day". The responsibility is vast. And the rules keep changing. Here are some hard-earned tips from my own experience as a hands-on gran.
Staying popular and not going bankrupt
A few days after the death slide incident, I am standing with my six-year-old granddaughter in a souvenir shop in our seaside town. "Pleeeeeaaase may I have it?" says Rose. She is pointing to a glass dragon with a £15 price tag. "I didn't know you liked dragons," I say. "I thought it was unicorns. Besides, it's rather expensive for a non-birthday/Christmas present."
"You can use your card," chips in George. "Then it won't cost anything." If only. But it's the thought of disappointing my granddaughter that hurts more than the money. So I give in. "Sucker," says my (childless) husband when I tell him.
Ask the parents
This should have come top of the list, but I keep forgetting to follow this piece of advice. Before you take charge of anyone under 18, ask the parents what they should or shouldn't be allowed to do or eat. This might help when negotiating terms: "Mum says you have to be in bed by 7pm, not 10pm."
Give and take
I admit it. There have been times when I've allowed Rose to watch a cartoon on her iPad when she creeps down after hours. But not for long. And never while watching adult TV (I reluctantly had to turn off Sherwood last week).
Their place or yours?
There are pros and cons on this one. The advantages of an away match include having their equipment to hand. If it's a home game at your place, there's the potential of accidents because they're not used to your kitchen step or steep staircase. Consider installing a safety gate if it's an overnight stay. And put away anything toxic. Even the most innocuous things can send you rushing to A&E.
Tip: Do a safety check on your home before arrival. There are some horrible statistics about children drowning in grandparents' ponds. Also consider doing a first-aid course. Check out onlinefirstaid.com.
Know your equipment
One of my friends had to ask a stranger to put up a pushchair when she took it out of the boot. She was a new gran then. Now she helps others if she sees they're in a fix.
Tip: Ask for a demo before the parents leave. The kit seems much more complicated than when I was a young mum.
I want Mummy/Daddy!
Oh dear. How do you calm a child who wants a parent who's miles away at a wedding or even just shopping? I'm a great believer in the three Ds: distract, distract, distract. Try one or more of the following: fresh air; making biscuits; telling stories; arty crafty pursuits; DVDs; games; chocolate; an evening stroll. Once, in desperation, I burst into tears myself. My grandson was so surprised that it made him stop.
Tip: Ringing Mummy and Daddy might make the crying worse. It can also ruin your child's night out. Having said that, I had to resort to this during a sleepover. My daughter came over, settled the children and went out for a delayed "date night" with her husband. Not so easy if they aren't local.
They don't know you very well
Maybe you haven't seen your grandchildren for a while. Perhaps you're an aunt or uncle or long-lost cousin. This has pros and cons. They might be more prepared to listen to your rules because you're a novelty. Or they might be upset because you're not familiar. My advice is to come armed with a lucky-dip bag with age-appropriate contents. This can be useful for bribes ("If you go to bed on time you can have a dip"). It can also be made into a game ("How many things can you remember?").
Should you give them your smartphone to keep them quiet?
No. Even small grandchildren are capable of going on to sites they shouldn't. But we do have a children's iPad with restricted use and appropriate blocks.
Act dumb
If you're at their place, ask them to show you around. Get them to tell you what their favourite toys are. Where is the art and craft stuff kept? You might know, but it can give them a sense of importance to show you.
Eat it up
So the parents have left a list as long as a weekly supermarket order on what they can and can't eat. This is one where I stick to the letter. The guidance might seem fussy, but it might be crucial if one of your junior charges has allergies or simply doesn't like something. Do you really want them throwing up?
Warning: One of my granny friends decided her grandchildren's table manners needed working on. She nagged so much that they didn't want to come and stay again.
Pets
Is your dog used to children? Is he/she likely to bowl over a small person? Do they know how to stroke a cat? Each side needs to learn – safely. This can be a magical relationship. Our elderly lab/springer cross adores Rose and George, and the feeling is mutual.
Get out in the morning so they're tired by evening
Do a reconnaissance on local attractions. Steam trains. Adventure parks if age appropriate (theirs and yours). There's a lot that's free out there.
Spare clothes and special teddy
During potty training days, I used to keep emergency clothes and a stash of nappies at our place. Whatever you do, don't lose the "comforter they can't sleep without". I once had to contact the emergency number when rabbit was left behind at the local wildlife centre. Then I had to send a taxi to get it because I couldn't leave my grandchildren.
Treats
I'm all for bribery. In fact, I wish I'd done it more when my three were little, for a quieter life. But this can get you into trouble when they go home and tell. Last summer, my grandchildren talked me into buying them three iceblocks in one day. They were still hyper at pick-up time and I received a stern talking-to from my daughter.
Tell them stories about when Mum/Dad was little
This is a corker! Even little ones seem to enjoy this while older protégées are delighted to know that Mum or Dad downed a pint at the age of six.
Get gardening
Give them their own patch if they're staying for a bit. Grow seeds. Take them to the garden centre. Keep a nature diary. Make a note of wildlife. Invest in a wildflower book and match specimens with pictures.
Take a picnic
My two grandchildren love having tea in a tent in our back garden. Personally I loathe camping, but one of my friends always sleeps outside with her grandchildren on the last night of a holiday.
Paint each other's toenails
A great favourite with my two. But don't cut their hair. A granny chum got into a lot of trouble for that. Another contemporary bought a face-painting set for her grandchildren. It took ages to rub off.
Rainy day?
Set up "play stations" around a room with toys and games at specific locations. It might kill half an hour.
Pottery painting
We've spent many a happy hour decorating plates and toy figures, both in a local pottery shop and at home.
Dress up
Not got any costumes? Pay a visit to your local charity shop.
Print out a picture to colour in
Our current obsessions are pirates and mermaids.
Tip: I bought a table protector for the practical part.
Write a story with them
Start off verbally. You: "Once upon a time, there was a..." Then pause when they call out suggestions. Keep going with more questions. The sillier the better. You can help them write it out later if their skills are up to it. This is great evidence that you've been a good grandparent when the owners come back.
Help them out with reading and writing
Depending on their academic levels, you could help them with letter formation and adding up. But watch out for phonics. You need a grandparents' guide to understand this one and there isn't enough space here. I'm a novelist and I still don't get it.
Invite them to help you around the house
Mine love dusting my dressing table and looking at the framed photos of their parents. They are also besotted with my grandmother's music box.
Get out some of your old jewellery
The faker the better, just in case they pocket them.
Sing and dance
This is great for distraction or just chilling. My grandchildren have taught me to ask Alexa to play the tidy-up song. I've tried it on my husband when his vinyl records take over the dining room, but it hasn't worked so far.
Recruit help
One summer, I paid a neighbour's daughter to help me when she was at home from college. Worth every penny.
Play dates
Got a friend whose grandchildren are visiting at the same time? Perhaps they could play with both of you in charge.
A back-up plan
However keen the parents are to escape, make sure you have a variety of contact numbers for them in case of emergency. Landlines are good in case there's no mobile reception.
If you're out of your home territory, ask for contact numbers for doctors and parents' friends who might be able to help in a tricky situation. One of my grandparent chums broke her leg while doing garden races with the kids. Luckily her son had left the neighbour's number. He took her to hospital while another local friend cared for the children.
Quick summary
Keep them safe. Don't take your eyes off them. Give them fun while trying to retain respect. Go on holiday for a rest after they go home. Enjoy this special time. It will go down as part of family history. "Remember the time when Granny/Granddad looked after us?"
Now there's a T-shirt slogan...
• Jane Corry is the author of We All Have Our Secrets. She also writes an 'agony gran' page for My Weekly
It will be the first in 18 years not filmed at a royal residence.