KEY POINTS:
Women must learn to be businesslike about troubled relationships says psychologist Bethany Marshall: define the deal, decide what will break it - and be prepared to walk away.
I'm going to hand you the best tool you'll ever have. It is what I use when helping couples who want to help themselves. The tool? The knowledge that most difficult men fall into five personality types: The Scriptwriter (who embraces the belief that he knows you better than you know yourself); The Man in Charge (who is intolerant towards people and situations he cannot control); The Man Without Fault (this fellow believes he is more important than everyone else, and rarely takes responsibility for his own actions); The Invisible Man (emotionally constricted and liable to shut down in intimate relationships); and The Little Boy Who Poses as a Man (he remains childlike and needy, because it's easier than taking responsibility for his own actions).
Once you understand these types, you will know what you are getting into before you become emotionally attached; you will free yourself to begin relationships without the fear of repeating bad experiences.
If you have been together for some time, deciphering his personality type will help you answer the questions, "Who is this man? Is he capable of changing? How do I talk to him about the problems that are affecting us?"
Meredith's Story
When Peter met Meredith, he was bowled over by her. But over time, he began to pick her apart. When she threw a drinks party for her friends, he criticised the wine. When she met him for breakfast on a Saturday, he commented that she looked like a ghost without makeup. And when she wore a French maid's outfit to a fancy dress party, he mentioned that her thighs looked dimply (yes, Peter is an idiot - but he is also a Man Without Fault).
In therapy, I educated Meredith about Peter's personality; that he devalued and criticised others in order to reinforce his own overestimation of himself. On learning this, she began to hear his criticisms in a new light. Instead of feeling small, she began to observe that Peter was diminishing her. She stopped trying too hard and instead began to hold him accountable for his mistreatment.
Once she helped Peter to view the problem from her perspective, and once he gained a better understanding of his issues, he was able to work on himself instead of taking his personality problems out on her (in the end, though, he was still an idiot).
If you want to work on your relationship, you must help your partner see himself through your eyes. Can he see the same things in himself that you see in him? Based on his personality type, do you understand what he sees in you? If he does not see you accurately, can you correct his misunderstandings?
What's your deal?
What do you absolutely want out of your relationship? Do you know?
You may consider yourself wise when it comes to your girlfriend's troubled love lives, but when faced with your own murky relationship waters, the easy answers seem to disappear. So how can you judge a true deal-breaker?
A deal-breaker is a character flaw or emotional stance that significantly deteriorates the quality of a relationship. Note: Deal-breakers are not minor annoying habits such as your boyfriends chewing with his mouth open or your husbands endlessly quoting sports statistics. But in order to spot the deal-breaker, you must first have a deal; you must know what you hope to get out of a relationship (other than two carats in a platinum setting).
If you think back to the last time you were unhappy in a relationship, theres a great likelihood your partner was doing something that undermined the arrangement for which you were hoping - for example, if you were upset your boyfriend declined family holidays, or constantly questioned your decisions, the real underlying problem was he was killing your hopes of a family of your own, or a truly trusting bond.
Deal-breakers undermine the very conditions that make it possible to love and as such, they constitute a warning the relationship needs either to dissolve or to change.
Surface Tension
Women who come to me for help initially express surface complaints: "For some reason, I hate the way he dresses ... I don't know why, but I only have road rage when he's in the passenger seat ... He fixates on my breasts and ignores the rest of me." I ask these women: What does this mean to you? Does it remind you of anything else that's wrong? Often, seemingly trivial complaints are a sign of something much larger - the man who fixated on his girlfriend's breasts had other parallel problems; he only related to parts of her that felt exciting and pleasurable to him so he couldn't understand anything about her that did not relate directly to himself. So you see: if the problem is a deal-breaker, the woman's original complaint will be related to many other problems in the relationship. If she's trying to work through a curable problem, her worries will either have to do with her own history for example, she was abandoned as a child and is anxious whenever she's alone or the problem can be easily fixed.
The tip of the iceberg?
A deal-breaker is not a one-time fight. Nor is it an excuse to put distance between you and him. A deal-breaker is a sign of everything else wrong in a relationship.
Sometimes, deal-breakers erupt into consciousness during one awful moment, such as discovering a pile of bounced cheques when you have long suspected he is irresponsible. Or they are characterised by a series of seemingly minor events that add up to one big problem (like many social events during which he inappropriately brags worse yet, about his rugby jersey collection). Often deal-breakers surface in social contexts, where it becomes easier to view your partner through the eyes of others you trust.
Perhaps your one big complaint about the relationship is the only tangible sign other things are wrong. For instance, you focus on your man's alcoholism when underlying selfishness is the true problem .Or you are upset because your boyfriend won't get married, when his lack of emotional interest is the real issue.
Once you notice a deal-breaker, you can't unsee it. You can pretend you didn't see it, like the man who pretends no one notices his sideways, back-of-the-head combover, but anyone who cares about you will see it.
So when is it a deal-breaker, and when is it not? A deal-breaker is when it is the tip of the misery iceberg, and you know there is more lurking beneath the surface, or when it destroys the arrangement you need to feel happy in the relationship. It is not a deal-breaker when it is merely one bad thing that has happened, and is not related to other fundamental problems in the relationship for example, if your husband slept with another woman on a business trip, yet has always been an excellent and loyal partner, it may not be a deal-breaker. I don't want to undermine the sting of betrayal, but I have seen more couples successfully negotiate sexual infidelity than a lack of mutual interest or relationship craziness. If he loses his job and becomes temporarily financially dependent, yet has always been responsible, it may not be a deal-breaker.
Future Perfect
The big question is this: are you willing to spot and accept a deal-breaker? Women often hope future changes will compensate for what is missing in the present. You say to yourself: "If he gave me a ring, I would feel better about him ... If we stopped fighting, this would be the perfect relationship ... I'm sure that when he gets to know me better, he will be more available."
One thing all these statements have in common is an irrational perception that a future event will solve a present problem. Let me state this clearly: there is no magic future. There is no magic moment. Only one thing is magical: the present. Because deal-breakers occur in real time. What makes you think that if he doesnt want to quit smoking pot and sitting aimlessly around the house now, he will be more likely to give it up next year? Or that if he is insanely jealous, he will magically come to his senses in a few months?
The same thing is true for discussions: Have you had one lately? If he can't have one now, don't lose sleep hoping for a little heart-to-heart next weekend.
Problems that are not resolved today will most likely never be resolved. It hurts to hear, but it's the truth.
Extract from Deal Breakers by Dr Bethany Marshall (Simon & Schuster $26.99)
