I remember I once called a guy I was seeing a gaslighter, and did I ever hear the end of it? No, I didn't. Did I end it with him? Also no.
He would constantly call my completely valid feelings "crazy" and pretend things that did happen, didn't. It got to the point where whenever he wanted to knock me down a peg he joked about "that time" I called him a gaslighter.
Much to my own dismay, I fully believed I was in the wrong and would apologise. "He's right, he's not a gaslighter," I would tell myself," it was a dumb heat-of-the-moment comment I never should have said."
Or was it?
With the help of my gal pals and some distance from the lad, I soon realised I was right all along, I was being gaslit.
Gaslighting is the biggest red flag. It's not pink, it's not beige. It's fluorescent red.
You are completely valid in your concerns about your partner spending alone time with someone they have already been intimate with.
And you could deal with it by taking a page out of Taylor Swift's book and smashing up their car but that doesn't really achieve anything other than mild satisfaction, and a court date. So instead, here is the one and only piece of advice I can give you.
If they can't see why you are uncomfortable, and don't care about how their actions make you feel, break up with them.
Anyone who is going to treat your feelings with such disregard does not deserve a place in your life, let alone such an important place.
I know it's easier said than done. I know.
Leaving someone you love is hard and even though you've heard this saying a million times before, there really are plenty of fish in the sea. Even more so, there are plenty of fish in the sea who won't emotionally abuse you.
A person who is right for you is supposed to make your life better, not worse. It's a simple guideline that is true for anything in your life. When it's right, whether that is a relationship, a job, travel, anything, it will be easy.
If it's hard, if you are met with theoretical and physical roadblocks, the universe is most likely telling you it's not for you.
But aside from those reasons, you should break up with them for your own mental health because gaslighting is a legitimate form of emotional abuse.
However, if you're not at that point yet - which is completely okay - and your partner is regularly exercising these types of behaviours, you should, at the bare minimum, consider talking to someone.
The person doesn't need to be your friend or your family member, if you would feel more comfortable, there are helplines you can contact and professionals who specialise in these situations.
Ultimately, whatever decision you make, whether it's Taylor Swift-inspired or a "hi, bye, I'm breaking up with you" vibe, always remember the number one rule.
Love others but love yourself more.
If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship and feel like you need help click here
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