But honey, if someone wants to end things with you, they will – waiting a set amount of dates before you have sex with them isn't going to change that.
And if you take anything from Jones' quote above it's that whether you do or don't may not be the problem, it might all come down to the type of person you're doing it with.
So I've once again snuck into the DM's of Kyle Macdonald, psychotherapist and relationship counsellor to find out what's really going on with first date sex.
I've lined up all those juicy questions you're dying to know the answer to just in time for Friday date night.
Questions with Kyle:
Q. Are one night stands potentially dangerous psychologically, or not a big deal in 2022?
A. I'm not sure casual sex between consenting adults has ever been dangerous - there are other risks, making sure we're having safe consensual sex - but beyond that, it's only ever been moral judgment that has changed over time. I mean, obviously, people have always been having lots of sex, and some of it even with people that they've only just met!
Q. Does first date sex negatively impact potential relationships following it?
A. I'm not a big fan of rules - so it depends. And what it depends on is communication and expectations more than whether first date sex is inherently "good" or "bad". It is important with any relationship to ensure we start as we mean to go on, so the best time to be direct, clear and have an expectation of good communication is right from the very beginning.
Q. Do men and women interpret first date sex differently?
A. That's the stereotype, but I'm not sure it's helpful. What's more helpful is to think about "emotional consent" - which is to say anyone, male or female, can be hurt or upset if their expectations aren't met.
To be clear, in the same way, we need to be clear about sexual consent - emotional consent is making sure both people are clear about what sleeping together means, or doesn't mean.
It's okay to not be sure and to say you're not sure, but if it is just a hookup, say that clearly right upfront.
Q. If someone is after a relationship how can they approach this conversation with the person they only recently started seeing?
A. Directly, as I've said start as you mean to go on. If the answer is not what you want to hear, then how you've asked is unlikely to have made much of a difference, and if the person can't deal with a direct straightforward conversation, then move on and find someone who can.
Q. How can someone get closure after they have a one night stand and the person ghosts them/stops contact?
A. It can be hard, but I think it's important to take some time to reflect on whether you were both clear about what you were doing, and why. Did you have an emotional consent conversation? And if they were unclear, or even dishonest then that's on them - allow yourself to feel angry, but don't beat up on yourself, and chalk it up to experience.
Q. And why do one night stands generally make us feel so guilty/crap?
A. They can do, and if that's due to any judgments or morals you may have that lead you to judge yourself negatively for having some fun then challenge that - sex is meant to be fun, and as long as everyone's safe then one night stands can be exciting.
If you take anything from this article let it be that sex, whether a one night stand or with your partner should only occur with consent from all parties, and communication is key. Don't be afraid to express how you're feeling, what you want or what you expect from someone.
