Kyle MacDonald - psychotherapist and relationship counsellor, weighs in on whether this saucy challenge could help save your relationship. Photo / Getty Images
Kyle MacDonald - psychotherapist and relationship counsellor, weighs in on whether this saucy challenge could help save your relationship. Photo / Getty Images
Opinion by Lillie Rohan
Lillie Rohan is an Entertainment Writer for New Zealand’s Herald and host of It’s a Date podcast.
Last Thursday I turned to my editor, iced coffee in hand, nonchalant as ever and said to her “Have you heard about the 30-day sex challenge?”
For seven seconds I saw her life flash before her eyes. She was questioning every choice that led her to have a sex-related chat with her Gen Z employee in broad daylight. Then finally, she replied with hesitancy, “Yes”.
“I’m going to do it,” I grinned, the confusion in the air growing more and more with each passing millisecond, “As a Dating Diaries column!” A look of relief crossed her face but we both stared at each other for a moment pondering how we reached this point.
The rest of the conversation isn’t sexy enough for this article, but this challenge is and deserves nothing short of your undivided attention.
So, before you get your kit off and pounce on your partner, here’s everything you need to know:
What is the 30-day sex challenge?
It originally went viral on Reddit, then the sex bible, aka. Cosmopolitan wrote about it and even Australian fitness influencer Steph Claire Smith said she tried it, now here we are discussing the challenge. The goal is to have sex with your partner every day for 30 days until you’re so close you wouldn’t even mind if they used your toothbrush - well kind of.
You may also feel like 30 days of sex is slightly excessive - a valid concern - so, allow me to introduce you instead to the Intimacy Challenge as it’s formally known, which has slightly different parameters.
It’s a spin-off of the sex challenge and in theory way more vanilla, but potentially more beneficial. Basically, over the course of 30 days, you work on reconnecting with your partner through acts of service, whether it’s a massage, kissing, emotional bonding or sex. Once the 30 days are over you’re meant to feel more connected and attracted to your partner than ever before - even more than when you first met them as a bright and shiny 20-something-year-old.
As for the rules, they are completely up to you. Some couples strictly define what counts as an intimate moment, others choose to give each other a certain amount of “days off” that they can use anytime throughout the challenge and for some, the only rule is to take things day by day.
What are the benefits?
If your love language is touch or acts of service then you can skip this paragraph. Seriously - on to the next paragraph. You don’t need this tea.
But if you do need this, welcome to our judgment-free space. I spoke to Kyle MacDonald - psychotherapist and relationship counsellor aka. my unofficial best friend and got all the nitty gritty details about what benefits a 30-day intimacy challenge can provide you in your relationship. Turns out it’s more than you might have anticipated.
“Anything that leads to intentional behaviour change can be helpful - and sex and intimacy can go missing in long-term relationships,” MacDonald revealed, explaining that once you make these two elements a focus in your relationship and communicate accordingly, it can be very helpful.
Kyle MacDonald, psychotherapist and relationship counsellor.
“As the old saying goes - when the sexual relationship is working well, it’s a small part of the relationship, when it isn’t it becomes a big thing,” he says.
MacDonald is realistic though and in the essence of being realistic, he reminds us that while sex is one of the glues that hold a relationship together, it isn’t the only glue, “The aim with this challenge isn’t just more sex, but what other behaviours being more intimate leads to - open communication, spending time together and feeling closer.”
So, if you are partaking in the challenge with the intention of getting closer to your partner, it pays to remember a lack of sex may not be the sole reason why you feel distant from them in the first place. Try altering the challenge to suit your needs. Have a night of deep conversations, sit and have a home-cooked meal together, or if sex really is the issue, figure out why and communicate that with your partner.
What are the issues?
While this challenge has a host of benefits, it won’t necessarily save the day and you and your partner may come out of it feeling more disconnected than ever especially if you aren’t on the same page about intimacy and expectations.
This challenge may help reconnect with your partner but it may also bring up underlying issues.
MacDonald warns that throughout the 30 days, it’s important to frequently check in with your partner and make sure you are both happy to continue with it. Make sure neither of you feels like you’re being taken advantage of.
“It isn’t just a way to ‘get more sex’ as an exercise,” he says adding, “It is about building trust, changing habits and increasing open communication.
“It should never be a way to manipulate someone into having sex when they don’t want to or engaging in sex they feel uncomfortable with.”
This is why it is good to agree before starting the challenge to give each other the option of calling a one or two-day “break” and while you’re on the break, it’s important to communicate why you feel you need it.
Will it really help you reconnect?
With many fad challenges created with the intention to “fix” a relationship, it’s no surprise if you feel cynical that this won’t work for you and your partner, and maybe it won’t. But if the main reason you feel like you need to fix your relationship is that you feel an intimate disconnect from your partner, there is every chance this could be the solution.
“If people throw themselves into the challenge in the right spirit then yes, and hopefully it leads to more talking, openness and connection,” MacDonald says adding, “If intimacy has gone missing in your relationship then intentionally choosing to do the behaviours of intimacy can absolutely help.”
The intimacy challenge could be more beneficial compared to the sex challenge. Photo / Getty Images
As MacDonald noted, the challenge will hopefully see you and your partner communicating more and sometimes this solves the issue but other times it can result in underlying issues arising. MacDonald says if you find this is the case then it’s worth seeking professional help like couples counselling.
“If in the process of engaging in the challenge, it throws up other issues, then it may be a sign that your relationship needs some help from a couples counsellor - to work through the issues that arise.”
Overall, he says the intimacy challenge could be more beneficial compared to the sex challenge due to the fact that the “framing is better” and that “it isn’t ‘just about sex’.”
Regardless of what you choose to partake in, MacDonald has one final piece of wisdom to share, “Both people need to be willing, and there needs to be the option to opt-out if it isn’t working.”
