There are no words that can adequately describe this product. Photo / Amazon
There are no words that can adequately describe this product. Photo / Amazon
In our modern, hyper-connected world, Monday's news of the Royal engagement took mere seconds to be spun out into tweets, Facebook live streams and all sorts of opinions.
And with the popularisation of online shopping and same-day delivery, "Royal" merchandise has followed at a similar pace, reports the Telegraph.
Commemorative merchandise is one of the joys of a Royal wedding in the lead-up to, and following, the big day itself. A range of products will be produced and sold everywhere; some of them will be officially endorsed, and others… less so.
But there are a few retailers already selling: in just a few short hours following Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's happy announcement, numerous products started popping up on sites like eBay and Amazon, offering super-keen Royal watchers an opportunity to own a piece of history — albeit a piece that may have been whipped up in Microsoft Paint in a few minutes.
The gift options available at such short notice are certainly not the best memorabilia you could find, but they do have a certain ironic charm to them with their search-optimised titles and distinctly low-fi designs. If you haven't already made a panicked purchase, here's a list of some of the best worst options available.
"Prince Harry Meghan Markle Commemorative Engagement Mug 1 Royal Cup Tribute"
The Prince Harry and Meghan Markle commemorative engagement mug. Photo / Ebay
Price: $15.50
Available on: eBay
Verdict: This mug is one of the better-designed options available. The photo is an obviously Photoshopped image of the happy couple, but the individual images chosen are nice and the editing job is half-decent. The dedication on the other side of the mug shows a reasonable level of effort, with a crown and images of wedding rings. The biggest concern is the mock-up image of the mug, which makes it look like the photo is printed on a very strange angle.
The Meghan and Harry badges are quite large. Photo / Ebay
Price: $3.85
Available on: eBay
Verdict: You would have to be very proud of your Royalist sentiment but also unconcerned with fashion to buy one of these badges, which measure a not-inconspicuous 2.2 inches.
Extra points for using the actual photos from yesterday's announcement, but those points are subsequently deducted because printing a badge is not hard.
Also, the images are just of the designs, offering no proof that any actual badges have been produced (although, at the time of writing, eBay noted that at least three had been sold, so get in quick before they sell out).
Score: 5/10
"Prince Harry T Shirt Royal Prince Harry and Meghan Markle"
Shirts are available in the full range of Union Jack colours . Photo / Ebay
Price:$11.60
Available on: eBay
Verdict: These shirts are definitely the budget option. The text uses a standard-issue font and even the message plays it very safe, just listing their names and the year.
However, some thought has gone into this product: the design includes "Duke and Duchess of Sussex", a detail that would have required reading one news article yesterday.
The choice of Union Jack colours is a nice touch, but the real winning factor here is the price: $11.60 for a shirt (plus free postage) is quite a steal. That's cheap enough to buy all three colours.
Score: 4/10
"HRH Prince Harry & Ms Meghan Markle Engagement Commemorative Tea Towel"
The tea towel does come with free postage. Photo / Ebay
Price: $15.45
Available on: eBay
Verdict: A safe option. The design is fairly polished, suggesting this seller had something ready to go, which is not surprising given all the rumours that were flying around before the official announcement.
The image is another Photoshop job, but the photo of Meghan Markle doesn't really match the image of Harry. Still, it's fairly well designed. The real clincher will be the pedigree of the tea towel itself — as we all know, a poor quality fabric can be very frustrating because it doesn't dry dishes properly.
Score: Tentative 8/10, pending review of drying capabilities
"Prince Harry & Meghan marriage celebration sticker for cars or windows in red blue and gold text'"
The colours on this sticker are confusing. Photo / Ebay
Price:$7.75
Available on: Etsy
Verdict: Very poor. The colours are all over the place (why have they used a different blue and red in the bottom-left?) and the design shows a real lack of effort.
How they can justify the $7.75 price tag is beyond me. On the flipside, the product's title is very descriptive, so you can hardly accuse them of false advertising.
There are no words that can adequately describe this product. Photo / Amazon
Price: $17.40
Available on: Amazon
Verdict: This mug is, in short, an abomination. It is also the pièce de résistance of insta-merch.
I have stared at it for a long time and I cannot for the life of me figure out how the design is supposed to work; the text flows from one side onto the other side but the images behind the text don't match at all.
The photos look like they were physically cut out with the kind of plastic scissors you give to children so they don't cut themselves. And don't get me started on the text — "Congratulations the Prince and his showgirl" — because I really don't even know what to say about that.
This should go in some sort of museum for atrocious merchandise, it is that bad. It's an absolute classic of the genre — and I'm buying one immediately.
