Over a third of midlifers are single, navigating a dating landscape vastly different from their younger years. Photo / 123rf
More than a third of midlifers are single. If you’re one of them, here’s how to get a date
Dating in midlife comes with a double whammy. If you’re divorced or bereaved, the chances are you’re a very different person from when you were seeking a partner in your 20s or 30s. You’ll also swiftly realise that the dating scene has changed immeasurably since you were last “out there”.
Dr Mairi Macleod is an evolutionary biologist-turned-dating coach and the founder of datingevolved.com, an online programme aimed at women over 50. “In general, people this age have lots of experience in relationships, but sometimes lack confidence and self-esteem, especially if they have just come out of a long marriage,” she says. “They might have baggage from their previous relationship, and may also have the pressure of caring for children and elderly parents.”
However, says Dr Macleod, in many ways midlife daters have an advantage over their younger selves: often with more freedom, time and money. “In the 50-plus age group, the biological imperative to mate and have a baby has passed and we can concentrate on what makes us happy,” she says. “Nature does not care about happiness. But now we no longer need a healthy, fertile, solvent co-parent to mingle genes with. We have the luxury to find the ideal combination: someone who is considerate, enjoys similar values and has our back.”
The question is: where do you find this person? As newly-divorced Jenny, 52, attests: “Suddenly, I was presented with this baffling world of dating sites and apps in a whole new language I didn’t understand: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge; swiping and ghosting and ‘lol’ing. It was terrifying and I didn’t know where to start.”
There is no getting away from the fact that the dating world has moved firmly online. So how do you navigate this brave new world, and do it safely?
An app is a small computer programme found on your device and the dating arena for these “applications” is very crowded. The upside is that apps are readily available and often free to use (though a sliding scale of charges tends to kick in once you engage more fully.) Apps tend to be the most impersonal methods of dating and visitors often make snap decisions based on the photos posted there: easily dismissed with a swift finger-swipe to the left.
“If you choose dating apps, be prepared to grow a thick skin,” says dating expert, Lorraine Adams, founder of the-datingdirectory.com. “You will meet some genuinely nice people, but get used to being ghosted or ignored.” If you can manage to get one good date for every 20 profiles that you match with, that is a good result, says Adams, but for those who take a realistic and pragmatic outlook, there is cause for optimism.
App users are also slaves to the algorithm: the mechanism by which the computer decides to throw suitable matches your way. “Statistics show that women are more thoughtful when it comes to reading through profiles, whereas 90% of men right swipe on practically every female profile,” says Adams. Women generally go for personality and guys are more visual, she says.
Apps do often tend to suit a younger crowd, but there are some especially for over-50s.
On the app Bumble, women always make the first move. “Badoo and Happn have the highest over-50 usage; Tinder and Hinge have the lowest,” says Adams.
A better option might be to join a community that reflects your interests or hobbies. Christian Connection or J-Date (for Jewish people), could suit those with religious or cultural preferences.
Note of caution: not everyone is who they say they are on an app. Daniel, 62, spent months messaging Sandra, an attractive Cuban-American photographer and was planning to fly to Tampa to meet her. “Then a friend suggested this could be a scam and I was putting myself in danger,” he says. “When I told Sandra she was rumbled and asked who she really was, she admitted to being a teenage boy in Nigeria whose motivation never became clear.”
There are ways to filter out bad actors, however. Adams suggests using a dating app that uses AI recognition in the sign-up process. “These sites generally have way fewer fake profiles, so you know most of the people are authentic,” says Adams.
Condensing 50-plus years of qualities, experience and nuance into a 100-word sales pitch is not the easiest task. “The profiles that usually stand out as the most attractive always include a bit of light humour or self-deprecation,” says Adams. Dr Macleod agrees, with the proviso that sarcasm doesn’t always translate online and can sound defensive. “Be playful and start with the assumption that people are nice,” she says.
Dr Macleod advises avoiding generic statements in your profile. “Instead of saying: I like travelling, music and cosy nights in, be specific,” she says. “If you like opera, talk about a particular event and invite an emotional response. For example: last week I went to Madame Butterfly and cried at the end.”
The experts advise a positive tone. “Avoid telling people the things you ‘won’t put up with’ or ‘are not looking for’, says Adams, adding: “It probably isn’t a good idea to moan about your ex.” On the other hand, try not to sound too exhausting. “If you have just climbed Mount Everest, a prospective partner may find you hard to compete with,” she says.
Try to stay clear of cliches too. Says Matthew, 61: “If I was a 50-something woman in London, I think I might keep my fondness for yoga and galleries and wild swimming to myself, on the grounds that every single other person seems to be ‘passionate’ about the same thing, so it’s really like saying ‘I like breathing’ or ‘I get on buses’. But I knew men can be just as predictable.”
After two years back in the dating pool, Claire, 57, was not having much luck with her profile which emphasised a love of theatre and musicals. “Sure, I met lots of people with these interests,” she says. “But they were either too young, too old, too married or too gay.” When Claire adjusted her profile to suggest the qualities she was looking for – “a kind, caring, affectionate man to be my best friend and romantic partner” – her luck improved and she has since enjoyed a year-long relationship.
Dating websites are like a shop window, and – unpalatable as it may seem – your profile picture is there to “sell” you. “Ensure you have very good photos; it is worth having them done professionally,” says Adams. “You need to showcase the very best version of you.”
While younger daters often use filters or AI-modified photos, Dr Macleod does not recommend them for this age group.
“Use a recent, unfiltered photo,” she says. “You want to engender trust and show that you are who you say you are.” There are legions of stories of daters turning up 20 years older and three stone heavier than their profile picture: would you want someone to do this to you?
“Take time to show different aspects of your character,” she says. “Add a few shots of yourself in different clothes, doing different things – for example, if you enjoy mountain biking, take a photo of yourself out and about. Look directly at the camera and try to come across as friendly and approachable.”
Most online dating relationships start with a flurry of text messages, but Lorraine Adams advises moving on from this stage as quickly as possible. “Texts can be bland and impersonal,” she says, “but you can also find yourself graduating to an inappropriate intimacy very quickly, especially if you are sitting at home alone with a bottle of wine. If you do this, the expectations of any real-life meeting might be unrealistic and intimidating.”
Voice notes are becoming increasingly popular: short messages where you speak into your phone instead of sending a text. “If you leave a 30-second message it is so much friendlier than a text and a person’s voice can tell you a lot about them,” says Adams. Many sites or apps offer the option to switch to video call, which Adams also recommends. “Treat video calls like a date,” she says. “Dress up nicely, put some nice art in the background and don’t take the call in your bedroom.”
The sooner you do this, the better, says Adams. “Get a date in your diary within the first two weeks,” she says. “If they are delaying for any reason, that’s a red flag.” (See below.)
Seasoned online daters suggest meeting for a mid-afternoon coffee or a 6pm drink. “That way, if the date is going well, you can go on to dinner,” says Daniel. “If not, you can make your excuses – ‘I’ve got a work thing, sorry,’ without investing too much time.”
First-date conversation has some no-nos. “Don’t talk about your ex or politics and try to avoid machine-gunning questions as if you are interviewing them,” says Adams.
“Instead, talk about the here and now, your surroundings, books and films. The first date should not be longer than a couple of hours. If things go well, at the end of the date suggest meeting again to gauge their reactions in real time.”
It can also be a good idea to plan an activity on an early date, such as visiting a gallery or sporting event, or even just going on a dog walk. “Not having to sit and talk face to face also takes the pressure off,” says Dr Macleod.
Sadly, in this new online world, there should be no expectations of immediate loyalty or exclusivity. “You will not know if they are the right person until at least the fifth or sixth date,” says Adams. “Most people will be multi-dating at this fledgling stage.”
She suggests avoiding intimacy during the early stages of meeting your online amour.
“Try not to jump into bed together too early,” she says. “Statistics show that those who wait awhile are usually rewarded with longer relationships. Those connections that become intimate too quickly usually fizzle out very rapidly.”
The anonymity of online dating can lead to the odd unsavoury character, trying to take advantage in various ways.
“If you are getting messages from someone who seems ‘too good to be true’ or for some reason can’t ever meet you in person long after you’d normally expect this to happen, then be very sceptical,” says Dr Macleod.
“People who send generic messages like ‘Hey, how are you doing?’ are less likely to be focussed on finding a serious relationship,” she says. “I’d suggest paying attention to the messages that pick up on specifics in your profile – these are from people who are properly interested in you as an individual.”
Before you meet a prospective date, it might be a good idea to tell a friend where you are going, and “check in” to show you are safe. Then jump in. If nothing else, your nightmare dating stories can make great anecdotes. “My first and only date was with a man who told me about the suicide websites he’d been on, and his preferred method,” says Claire. “He later asked me to be the executor of his will. I declined.”
“It’s still possible to meet people anywhere,” says Dr McLeod. “Don’t be afraid to go places on your own. If you are on your own in a cafe, for example, put down your phone and make it easier for people to approach you. If you are meeting friends, get there 10 minutes early. Open your body posture, make eye contact and don’t be afraid of small talk.”
For those who would still like some expert help, there has been a recent bounce-back rise in matchmaking or personal introduction services. “With these, you will receive a more hands-on personal service and have the help from your matchmaker to ensure that you don’t stumble at the first hurdle,” says Lorraine Adams whose The Dating Directory website lists matchmaking companies and apps. Fees range from £2000 to £25,000 a year. [In New Zealand, Dame Theresa Gattung launched Compatico earlier this year, a matchmaking service for over-40s, with fees of $795 for a year’s Gold membership, or $5995 for a platinum membership.
“Chat to at least six different matchmakers to ensure you find the one that you feel you have built a rapport with and who gets you,” says Adams. “Your adventure awaits.”
Swiping right or left
An instant way of saying yes or no. On many dating apps, users are shown a photo and the user is given two basic options: swipe right with your finger to indicate interest in a potential date or swipe left to move on.
IRL
An acronym for “in real life”. For example: “I think our dogs would get on. Let’s meet IRL.”
Sliding into DMs
DM stands for direct message. The slightly icky-sounding “I’m going to slide into your DMS” means you’re going to move from chatting publicly on social media and start messaging in a one-on-one fashion.
Bot
Short for “robot” or fictitious account. Sometimes set up to scam or “catfish” a person (see below), bots often use a fake-sounding name and use fake photos that look like catalogue models.
Catfishing
When an online profile assumes a false identity, possibly with the goal of extorting money from an unsuspecting dater.
Breadcrumbing
As in, leaves a trail of breadcrumbs. When someone consistently dangles a romantic prospect, implies the possibility of a date but never actually follows through.
Love bombing
Overwhelming a new love interest with grand gestures and endless messages – often a red flag for a scammer or someone with otherwise questionable intent.
Ghosting
One minute, your correspondent is love-bombing you and promising you the Earth. The next – poof! – they have disappeared and stopped answering all messages.
A round-up of the best fitness advice from the experts to kick the week off well.