The alphabet comedy that needs souping up

Jeff Green

British comedian Jeff Green attempts the A to Z of stand-up comedy and fails by 12 letters. He's here to perform his show From A-Z at the comedy festival, and we recommend a bit more practice

A. ALCOHOL. It's always best for the audience to have had a few before the show because - as every comic knows - the more you drink the funnier we become.

B. B&BS. If you are planning on being a comedian, you will have to get used to sleeping away from home. Facilities on the road include hotels (if you're lucky) but are mainly B&Bs, which you hope stands for bed and breakfast but has been known to mean bedbugs and botulism.

Is my hotel cheap?

Try this simple test: When asking how much the room is for a night, you are given the reply: "Don't know, no one has ever stayed that long."

When asking for soap in your room, you are met with the reply: "Sure - blonde or ginger?"

When checking into the room, the hotelier is heard to say: "Should we turn your air-conditioning off in your room or leave it ajar?"

C. CHANGING ROOMS. That glamorous showbiz place you go before a show to get into your performance clothes. Usually has just the one seat, with a lid.

D. DYING ON STAGE. The acknowledged term for getting no laughs. Also known as bombing, stinking the place out, and sucking the big one. Luckily, every comedian at some point in their career dies a death on stage (or at least has a whiff of embalming fluid following them around), which gives the audience who witnessed the event the bragging rights to say when they see him or her doing well on TV, "See him? I knew him when he was crap."

Antonyms include storming, killing, nailing, ripping the ass (all US), doing rather well (Britain).

E. EDINBURGH FESTIVAL. The mother of all festivals. A great performance place for any young comic who wants to lose lots of money very quickly.

F. FUNNY. The secret of standup comedy. Keep saying lots of very funny things. See also, alcohol.

G. GROUPIES. Sadly, comedians are not known for attracting groupies. The most attention a sex-starved gagster can look forward to after a show is a lone bloke in an anorak waiting at the stage door wanting to know if you'll sign his copy of The A - Z of Being Single. (Let it go, Jeff).

H. HECKLERS. The occupational hazard of the comedian. Standard heckle-stoppers include:

I remember my first pint

Don't drink on an empty head

Every village has got one

Isn't it a shame when cousins marry

Please stop it, you're putting me off (my favourite)

Failing these, you could always carry a knife.

I. IRONY. Posh word for getting some of your more unpalatable thoughts into the act. Also the concept British people like to cling to in the (mistakenly held) belief that their sense of humour is superior to that of Americans. See: The Simpsons, Sex and The City, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Love Thy Neighbour, On the Buses, It Ain't Half Hot Mum etc.

J. JOKES. It is always best to put more than just a few of these in the show. In fact, chuck hundreds of them in - it has been known to help facilitate F.

L. LOCAL REFERENCES. When performing at international festivals it is always a good idea to put a few local reference points into your comedy show to ingratiate yourself with the home audience ... As I was saying to my good friends Russell Crowe, Sam Neill and Gollum over a pint of Steinlager in the Prancing Pony just the other day. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just off to loosen a few bolts on an aeroplane door.

O. OPEN SPOTS. Name given to position on the comedy bill for beginners who try out for a paid gig. Also known as the unpaid spot, the try-out spot, the hopeless spot. (Don't let them hear you saying the last one.)

R. REVIEWS. Professionally printed and mass-circulated critical analysis of your work, read by peers, friends, family members and potential employers. Sadly, most perfectly good reviews are often spoiled with little words like "not" and "far from" and "under no circumstances". The best way for performers to deal with reviews is not to read them, as good ones make you cocky and bad ones dent your confidence, none of which are good for your performance. Anyway, what do they know about my struggle? Hey, jokes don't write themselves you know. (Let it go, Jeff.)

W. WORLD TRAVEL. Fortunately for comedians there are many international comedy festivals. Edinburgh, Melbourne, Montreal, Aspen, Cape Town, Leicester (seriously) and, of course, the fantastic New Zealand Comedy Festival (see L).

LOWDOWN

WHO: Jeff Green, British stand-up comedian

WHAT: From A-Z at the New Zealand International Comedy Festival

WHEN & WHERE: May 17 to 21, 8.45pm, Comedy Chamber, Auckland Town Hall

ALSO AT COMEDY FEST:

Danny Bhoy, Michele A'Court, Cal Wilson, Dai Henwood, Fung Ku, Four Hangis and a Tangi, Gamarjobat, The Improv Bandits, Jeremy Corbett, Jo Randerson, Milos Wake, MC Hot Pink, Raybon Kan, Rhys Darby, The Topp Twins, The Umbilical Brothers, Zoohaha, I Love David Hasselhoff, Brendhan Lovegrove and Jeremy Elwood.