Are you unknowingly sabotaging your relationship? Photo / Getty Images
You really, really, really want to find someone to settle down with but it's just not happening?
There could be a reason why your relationships don't last: we often inadvertently sabotage the things we crave the most.
Here's ten of the most common pitfalls.
Do you think all your problems will be solved by finding the right person?
You'll never be bored/lonely/angry again once you find 'true' love?
Women who say they aren't 'complete' until they find a partner aren't just hopelessly old-fashioned, they're deluded.
Just as moving to another country doesn't solve any deep-seated problems you have, being in a relationship doesn't mean you will never have any problems ever again.
Even if you do find the love of your life, it won't make your mother love you more, a dead-end job any more interesting or your best friend stop annoying you.
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We get a temporary lift in happiness at the start of a relationship but most people's baseline happiness levels don't alter dramatically long-term.
If you feel like you need rescuing, do it yourself! Don't expect others to do it for you.
If you need therapy to sort out emotional issues, get it.
The more sorted you are and the happier you are single, the more attractive you are to potential partners anyway.
The best way to get someone to commit to you, is to let the relationship run at its own pace.
People don't necessarily fall in love at the same time. Often, one person is in love and already deeply committed before the other person has made up their mind.
This is not uncommon and it's nothing to be scared of. If you're the person who's fallen first, don't panic and see where you are in another three or six months.
Then review.
Pushing too hard, too fast for lifelong commitments and declarations of undying love can sabotage a perfectly good relationship that would have blossomed into a brilliant relationship – one that did include marriage and kids (if that's what you're after) - if left to develop at its own pace.
It's perfectly acceptable to ask if you're going to see each other exclusively after a month of dating. (If that's really important to you, it's fine to insist on that after two weeks.)
But leave it at least three months before having a 'How are we doing and feeling?' conversation - and keep it light.
All you really need to know at this stage is if they're having a nice time and like hanging out with you.
A year in is the time for serious conversations about your future.
Most of the time, you'll naturally find out their general thoughts on things like marriage and kids and whether that's something they want to do in the future without having to push.
If you really must, at least make your questions generic.
Asking 'I know your parent's divorce was messy. Has that put you off marrying yourself one day?' is very different than 'Can you see yourself marrying me one day?'.
Under valuing your worth means being super critical, putting yourself down, not being able to accept a compliment.
It also means aiming low – going for people who don't deserve you (or anyone else for that matter) – and people who treat you poorly.
Undervaluing yourself also means being too scared to ask for what you want. Being afraid to say 'Hey, that's not acceptable what you just did'.
If you behave like a doormat, people will walk all over you.
If you let people know very early in the relationship that you expect to be treated a certain way and if they don't meet your standards, you're off, you will be treated well.
How can your partner respect you, if you don't respect yourself?
Married men, men with exes who haven't let go (or they won't let go), men who are distant, commitment phobes, men who live in other countries, men who have addiction problems or who are violent – all of these men have something in common.
They will not make a good, loving partner because they don't have the capacity to.
If you want a healthy, happy, long-term relationship at least choose someone who is single, also wants a relationship and has the ability to love you the way you want to be loved.
Choosing unavailable people is pointless.
And don't kid yourself that 'it just happened' when you do end up with someone unsuitable. You didn't mean to fall in love with your best friend's boyfriend/your married boss/a drug dealer (but only because he's 'going through a rough time').
At some point, you allowed yourself to think of this person in a romantic sense in order for love to develop.
We all have control over our emotions. Think long and hard before you allow your heart to run free.
If you're an extremely jealous person, prepare to hyperventilate.
Fact one: jealousy won't stop people being unfaithful, it makes it more likely they will be.
If you accuse someone often enough of having an affair or lusting after so-and-so, they eventually think, I might as well do it!
Fact two: the biggest fear of a jealous person is that their partner will probably leave them, but if you continue to make their life hell, they will.
Relationships need trust to survive and to thrive.
If you can't trust, you need to get yourself off to see a good therapist (try itsgoodtotalk.org.uk or relate.org.uk) to work through where this has come from and how to challenge it.
A lot of this stems from not understanding men - feeling that they're an alien species (I blame books like 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' ).
Truth is, men and women are a lot more similar than they are different. He's a human being with the same wants and needs and fears and insecurities as you.
Choose your partner well (see above), then give him the benefit of the doubt.
Don't assume the worse, assume the best.
Often, the thing you want the most, is the thing you're terrified of getting.
Some women crave relationships but subconsciously sabotage because the fear of getting what they want and then losing it, is even worse than not having had a relationship at all.
'Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all', is not something a lot of women identify with – especially children of messy divorces or those who've had a bad break up.
Things usually move along quite well until it starts to become clear that, bloody hell, this relationship does have legs and might actually be going somewhere!
It's around now that you'll start to get nervous and not know why.
Your subconscious panics – Warning! Warning! Danger ahead! – and makes you start arguments, threaten to leave over nothing, suddenly seem aloof and uncaring even though you're not.
It's getting you to deliberately do something that guarantees the relationship will end because it's trying to protect you from future pain.
If this resonates with you and you see a pattern, be vigilant. If you start behaving erratically, question why.
Tell your partner you're nervous and allow them to reassure you.
All couples smooth their edges when they get serious: we make small adjustments to fit around the other person.
Sometimes they're not so small. Some people change completely – for the better, usually – if they're feeling loved and supported in a good relationship.
But here's the thing: any changes your partner makes has to be voluntary: they have to want to change.
It has to come from them, not you.
If you're constantly criticising who he is and trying to change him, you're effectively saying "I don't like who you are".
This, to put it bluntly, does not make people feel good about themselves.
Here's the heads-up: while people might change little things – become tidier, more punctual, better dressers – they don't change core personality traits.
When you first date someone, see what's in front of you, not what you want to see or how they'd be if only they did X or Y.
Can you live with how they are right now? If they didn't change at all?
If the answer is no, move on.
Men are mainly driven by logic and reason: they tend to be less emotional than women are.
(Yes, I'm generalising, you have to sometimes to make sense of the world.)
Women who are constantly wanting reassurance, creating dramas, getting their lovers to jump through hoops to prove their love and get all worked up over nothing, do not have long-lasting relationships.
Most of us want an easy life. People who are difficult make us stressed.
I'm not saying overlook things that aren't acceptable (that's undervaluing yourself) but if you make a fuss over every little thing he does that's not to your liking, you are officially a Drama Queen.
No-one likes a Drama Queen.
Sure, it's great you've finally met someone. But don't let your world revolve around your relationship.
Keep seeing friends, do things separately as well, continue to put energy into staying fit, your career, all the stuff you like and enjoy.
If you drop all that to focus purely on him, you'll feel insecure and start sabotaging.
The more supported you are – you've got good friends, a job you love, a family who love you, interests outside the relationship – the higher your self-esteem and the more you'll relax into the relationship giving it room to breathe and grow.
If the relationship breaks down, you'll be upset but you also know you'll survive.
I vividly remember talking to a psychologist friend of mine - before I met my husband - and asking her input on why a relationship had failed.
"You're too self-sufficient. You don't need a partner for anything," she told me.
And this is a bad thing? I'd always prided myself on being like that – able to look after myself financially, emotionally and physically.
She shook her head, "No. Men need to be needed. Everyone needs to be needed actually but men in particular because that's the role society gives them. The masculine sex are supposed to provide and protect. Even if we all know that's now bollocks and women often earn more, it's hard wired into them."
I was hugely insulted at the time. She basically told me to pretend to not be as efficient or capable! This, as you can imagine, did not sit well with my feminist side.
But you know what? She was right.
I asked a few exes I was still friendly with what they thought of this and they didn't just agree with her, they heartily agreed.
"I definitely didn't feel like you needed me. In fact, I felt I'd never do it as good as you would anyway," one ex said. "Besides, even if I did think I could help you with anything, I knew you'd never accept help."
Being ten foot tall and bullet proof might seem attractive but it isn't.
Even if you can do everything yourself, make sure they know they can contribute something and be of use to you.
They left for a specific reason. But it could pave the way for more to follow.