Family Christmas can be a stressful time - here's something of a survival guide. Photo / 123RF
Family Christmas can be a stressful time - here's something of a survival guide. Photo / 123RF
Yes, we know it's a time of peace and good will to all men. However, the mixture of enforced togetherness, simmering family resentments and liberal amounts of alcohol, means that not all ding-dongs of Christmas are of the pealing-bell variety.
According to Relate, 68 per cent of us expect to have some kind or argument over the festive period.
Here, the experts explain what triggers the 12 most common rows of Christmas – and how to avoid them.
'But I want to spend it with my parents'
If you have a partner and children, deciding which set of parents to go to for December 25th can make you feel like you're caught in the middle of a Christmas cracker.
Plus, truth be told, most of us are more attached to the way our own parents celebrate the big day, so deep-down, we often secretly resent going anywhere else, but can't admit it.
Relationship counsellor Barbara Honey of Relate says: "It's one of the most common Christmas rows couples tell us about.
"It may only be one day but we attach huge emotional importance to it. So when you argue for your side, it can sound like you're saying: 'My family is more important than yours.'"
To head off conflict, Honey advises strictly alternating who you spend Christmas with.
"Depending on logistics, you could try splitting up the day with a lunch with one set of parents and dinner with the other. Or have Christmas Eve with one family and Christmas Day with the other and make them both just as important."
'That's not how I want to do Christmas'
While Hannah Martin likes to get her Christmas tree as early as possible, her husband Max likes to wait until the last minute.
Martin, 46, from Worthing, Sussex, founder of career and business website Talented Ladies Club, says. "I like to make the most of that pre-Christmas feeling. Max would rather get a tree on Christmas Eve when you're left with the scabbiest saplings with hiked-up prices."
Clinical Psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin says: "Christmas is a time of tradition, when we tend to want to repeat what we did when we were children and that can cause a clash."
Before the big day, she suggests having an open conversation about what's most important to you both.
"Identify what's definitely essential, and what's just desirable. That way you will actually hear what's really important to you both, and as far as possible work out compromise where you can accommodate both."
'Just what I've never wanted'
When Lucie Guthrie felt a heavy and unusually shaped object under the tree from her husband, she was desperate to find out what it was.
Guthrie, 50, from Faversham Kent says: "I did feelies and couldn't guess. I was so excited."
On the big day, Guthrie unwrapped it to discover it was a wooden knife holder, without the knives.
For Guthrie, who runs digital marketing company Wearemadcreative.com, it was the final straw. The couple split up the following year.
Guthrie says: "As a working mother who had a lot of different interests, I was bemused and hurt. A knife block was not my essential gift."
That gift you never wanted? It's all yours. Photo / 123RF
Indeed, research in the journal Social Cognition found that an unwanted present can trigger doubts your partner really knows or even cares for you. Relate counsellor Barbara Honey says beware of thinking it's a catastrophe.
"Don't instantly leap into thinking 'He doesn't understand me.' We're all human and getting the perfect gift is hard."
"On the day, thank your partner for the effort that went into it. After Christmas, ask if they'd be really upset if you exchanged it for a gift that would be more useful."
To create another happy memory, suggest you choose an alternative together.
'But I do the best stuffing'
The first time Stacey MacNaught hosted her family for Christmas, she planned - or so she thought - the timing of the food with 'military precision' .
MacNaught, 37, from Oldham, Manchester says: "It was a Christmas dinner for 11 and no one wants to be the one whose meal is a such a disaster you have to order an Indian take-away."
"Come Christmas morning, my husband Michael and I were going through the list of what had to be cooked when, and he questioned my maths. He suggested the parsnips actually needed to be in 10 minutes before I thought they did. I was so highly strung with the planning that there is a tiny possibility that I may have had an apocalyptic meltdown. Though we laugh when we look back at it now, we had a 45 minute row over bloomin' parsnips and basic arithmetic."
According to TV chef Ben Tish, 43, culinary director at London's The Stafford Hotel, plan ahead and play to each other's strengths, especially when your partner is also a good cook, like his own wife Nykeeta, also 43.
"I think the best way is to treat the cooking procedures for the day like a professional kitchen operation. Make a plan, or what we chefs call a mis-en-place list - essentially all the jobs and who's going to do what."
"For example, I cook the turkey and my wife will do the stuffing as she's much better than me at that."
"Find a technique that ticks everyone's box. If it's something like how your sprouts should cooked - for example, I like mine sauted in olive oil with mustard seeds while my wife likes hers steamed - then we do both. It's a bit more work but problem gets sorted."
The ol' "who did it better?" isn't going to end well. Photo / 123RF
'Does Christmas have to cost quite this much?'
It may be the most wonderful time of the year, according to the song, but there's a price to pay...
Eighty per cent of us spend 'too much' on presents, according to a survey by Iceland. Half say they get carried away when it comes to food with a third overspending on drinks and one in ten blowing the budget on decorations.
The knock-on effect is that over half of couples argue more during the festive month than at any other time of the year – and money worries is among the top reasons.
Conflicts are more likely to happen when you have different values – the spender feels constrained and the saver feels insecure.
Clinical psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin says: "Presents can appease guilt, so if parents differ on what's acceptable as a Christmas present budget for the children, it may well be to do with feelings about their role as a parent. Talk about where these feelings come from."
"Have an honest discussion about your expectations, and set a limit for how much money the two of you are willing to spend."
As Christmas is seen as the season of indulgence, it's easy to feel justified in drinking more than usual amount of alcohol, especially when surveys show we crack open the first bottle of bubbly at 9.05 in the morning on December 25th.
Later in the day, however it can cause small irritations to spiral into family arguments.
Dr Fiona Sim, chief medical advisor at charity DrinkAware, said heavy drinking should not be seen as normal – even at Christmas.
"If you do choose to drink this much, then it's best to spread the drinking over three or more days and avoid binge drinking."
On the day, experts also recommend monitoring yourself when you are celebrating and deciding before hand on a cut-off point for your last drink.
Sip water or something else that looks alcoholic - from a wine glass so your host does not keep topping you up. Ask for or add in plenty of mixers to add to your spirits- and alternate booze with water and other non-alcoholic drinks. When you do drink, concentrate on quality rather than quantity.
"I think you've had enough" is a risky conversation starter. Photo / 123RF
'But I'm not 13 any more'
Many adults find the ghost of Christmas past returning to haunt them at this time of year – in the form of their adolescent selves.
No matter how successful and independent we are now, when we get together with parents and siblings under the same roof, the old family dynamics can resurface, making us regress back to our old roles.
In turn, your parents, who are harking back to Christmasses when they were in charge, may revert to using a tone that grates now you are an adult with children and a successful career.
Experts recommend fighting the urge by taking care to maintain your normal adult body language, rather than slipping back into a Kevin the Teenager stance.
Psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin says: "If you feel yourself slipping back, notice it. Have insight into how you're feeling but don't necessarily express it, as it's only one day."
"As much as possible, enjoy the feeling of returning to childhood time. But also look forward to the relief of being an adult who has their independence the rest of the year."
If you fear the judging eyes of your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law over your shop-bought mince pieces this Christmas, you are not alone.
Six out of 10 married women find their relationship a strain, according to Cambridge University research – usually due to each trying to protect their influence over the son or husband caught in the middle.
Tensions can run especially high over the festive season when we feel that our ways of doing things are being undermined or not appreciated, says Dr Deanna Brann, psychotherapist and author of Reluctantly Related: Secrets to Getting Along with Your Mother-in-Law or Daughter-in-Law.
Dr Brann says the solution is to make the other feel valued. "Treat your in-law as you would a friend. Compliment her. Let her know you're interested in how she does things."
"If you sense there might be tension, disarm her with your body language as soon as you turn up on the doorstep for Christmas," says life coach Michelle Zelli.
"Our body position and facial expressions account for over half of communication. When you smile, the brain of the other person is 80% more likely to consider you as 'safe' than if you have your resting face."
There's no time of the year when we want to be with our children more than at Christmas – for the sheer delight of seeing it through their eyes.
However if you are divorced or separated, that longing to be with them can make it one of the painful times of the year.
Sara Davison, The Divorce Coach, says: "Conflict arises when one parent feels like they are missing out, so it helps to have a clear plan, like taking turns having them on Christmas and Boxing Day."
Sara, who has a ten-year old-son with her ex-husband, solves the problem by holding Christmas on a different day if it's not her turn to have on December 25th.
"It's only a date. You can still have the full experience with leaving the carrot out for Santa and seeing if he's come the next day. Father Christmas really will come twice if you book it in with him."
'How did my children become such brats?'
"When did my kids become such brats??" Photo / 123RF
We'd all like our children to be on best behaviour at this time of year, especially as our parenting skills are on display for grannie and grandpa - and the rest of the assembled relatives.
Even at this late stage, it's not too late to give your child some last-minute training so you are not left red-faced by their embarrassingly bratty behaviour.
To avoid rows with your partner and your children, parenting educator Noel Janis-Norton, suggests that in the morning, you talk through what the day will consist of, especially as normal rules often slip over the Christmas period.
Janis-Norton, author of the Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting series of books, says: "After breakfast, sit the children down and give them a step-by-step preview.
"Children always stay calmer and more willing to be flexible when they know what to expect, such as where they will be going and why, whom they will have to say hello to, any new rules and routines, any unfamiliar foods they might be served, what they can and can not play with, if ,and when, they will be allowed screen time."
If children discard gifts with barely a thank–you, it can also upset relatives who may feel you are responsible for not teaching them manners.
So take five minutes to talk kids through how to be polite and how gratitude by giving them a toolbox of responses.
These include looking at the giver, smiling and saying thank–you, giving a hug if appropriate, and putting the gift away safely afterwards.
Child psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin also suggests discussing how much thought goes into buying every gift. She says: 'Children learn gratitude. Don't expect them to suddenly get it on Christmas Day.
"They may not think about how much a present cost, or how much effort went into it, unless you talk it through with them first."
