That Guy: Sorry we can't make it, but just a little advice...

Opinion

An open letter to Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Dear Kate and William,

Firstly, I want to say how delighted my partner and I were to be among the few people from New Zealand invited to your upcoming wedding.

It looks like it will be a real humdinger. Unfortunately, we will not be able to make it as I have a hell of a lot of sh*t on at the moment.

Secondly, apologies for letting you know via my weekly column, as opposed to handwritten mail, but having been married myself I am aware Kate will be trying to get an idea of numbers as soon as possible, so this is far quicker.

Now my columns are posted online, you will get to read this minutes after it is published - as opposed to days from now when Kate will want to be well under way with the table placings. No doubt I would have been placed on the rowdy table down the back of the room.

I suppose I should have published the actual invitation, but it was stuck on the fridge with fridge magnets which seem to have lost much of their charge. That means the invite - which to your credit was printed on expensive thick cardboard - fell on to the floor whereupon it was accidently kicked under the fridge along with bills, school fete information and lint.

Had the invite been on a lesser grade cardboard it would still be there now. Perhaps next time you could send powerful Royal fridge magnets to accompany the invite itself? Just a thought.

I note my old mate and All Black captain Richie McCaw has also reluctantly declined the invitation. He too has an incredibly busy year.

I suspect, however, there is some PR element to it. It may not be a good look if he is seen gallivanting around at the wedding of the year with the likes of Elton John and Boy George.

If we lost the World Cup again, Murray Deaker and the talkback community would never let him live it down.

Are you having a day-after kind of booze-up, like I did in Hanmer? If so I may be able to make that.

Just a bit of advice from somebody who has been through it. Pace yourself on the second day. Having come through the big day unscathed, and the urge to get your money's worth out of the bar tab, you are bound to cut loose a little on day two.

Believe me it can all catch up with you quite quickly. I still haven't found one of my wedding shoes. You can see why research shows most people don't consummate their marriage until at least day three.

I know you guys will be arguing about who to invite and who not to ... about the choice of band and whether, at 50 bucks a head, finger food is necessary before the entrees.

A good old fashioned carvery or pig on a spit probably makes sense to you Will, but Kate will want all that detail nobody even remembers the next day. To be honest the rest of your life will be a non-stop series of arguments over such matters that in hindsight don't really matter. Give in.

Will, I have some classic lines you can use in your speech. I will fire them over soon. You might just want to tone the odd one down a little. Will there be any grandparents present?

Anyway, all the best, can't wait to see all the photos on John Key's Facebook page.

Your mate, Leigh.