That Guy: Love and war memorabilia must go for fan zone

Treadmills are similar to cross-trainers. Photo / Thinkstock

Opinion

In order to turn my home into a fully functional television studio during the Rugby World Cup, I will need to get rid of some items to make space.

Naturally most of these items are currently stored in the garage and, as this is the area I hope to turn into the Fan Zone, this is the area I need to clear out first.

The Fan Zone will be available for competition winners and people who happen to be walking past when the roller door is up on game day.

So, anybody interested in the following items?

A cross-trainer gym machine. It has hardly any miles on the clock as it has only ever been used in two infomercials.

This large, cumbersome machine is great for doing something called "cardio work-outs" - or churning butter. Looking at it, there is probably no end to the amount of things you could use it for, if you put your mind to it.

It has a control module that tells you the time, how many metres you have cross-trained, and how many calories you have burned.

I have used it for churning, wine-making and for telling the time when I am doing stuff in the garage. Just to help paint a picture, this is the machine that looks like you are cross-country skiing when you use it.

Speaking of which, I also have a set of cross-country skis for sale. These wooden skis belonged to my grandfather who served in the cross-country ski platoon, taking on Rommel in the North African campaign .

Most of the cross-country ski platoon slipped behind in the battle and were taken prisoner by the Germans in 1943.

They spent the rest of the war in a POW work camp waxing skis for Hitler's ski platoon, who were stationed in Denmark.

(A direct contravention of the rules laid out in the Geneva Convention.)

I also have a baby cot, a baby change-table and a baby grand piano that must also go. I would prefer to sell as a set, but will sell separately if need be. My children are slightly older now, so I no longer have any need for these items, especially the baby grand piano as none of them has showed any musical promise whatsoever.

In fact, it would be fair to say that the baby grand was subjected to more vomit than the change-table and the cot combined. This slowed down once the kids went on to solids.

It has been jet washed by a piano tuner from Steinway, but if you have ever looked inside a baby grand piano you will know that it is quite unlikely that he managed to get everything out.

It still sounds great and I will throw in the stool for nothing.

Finally, I have a large authentic exotic Persian rug. This luxurious carpet is fantastic to walk on in bare feet as it was made from the hides of only the finest Persian cats.

A great rug to have by the fire and to make love on. At least one of my aforementioned children was probably conceived on this rug - and that is saying something as we used to hang it on the wall.

It (the rug) looks great on the wall or the floor. This is a reluctant sale as I have so many fond memories of the times we spent on the rug, and, of course, of the many cats that went into making it.

If you are interested in any of these items contact the editor directly at the Herald on Sunday editor@hos.co.nz

He has nothing better to do with his time than act as my secretary.