"Dating must be fun, though"
Yes, dating is fun – once you actually meet someone. Let me tell you about dating in 2018: you really have to be able to stomach dating apps and sites. From the ridiculous photos (women giving it the trout pout, men holding out an actual trout) to the painful profiles ('I'd like to cuddle up on the sofa with you and red wine'), online dating is a pain in the as-Soulmates.
It's also brutal. There's a real sweet-shop mentality ("That lipstick! Ugh. Ghost her and move on!") that makes people really mean. ("Ghosting"? That's when the person who's chased/wooed/dated you disappears. No explanation. Nothing. It's ego-destroying.)
And all those men looking for prey… A friend of mine once received a penis photo ("dick pic", kidz) that had the man's sleeping wife in shot!
These horrors make me yearn for the days when the worst thing that happened to me was skidding on some puréed carrot as my date and I left the restaurant.
"Hey, at least you don't have to answer to anybody"
And nor should you. You say "answer to"; I say "have someone giving a damn about where you are". I have a very real fear that I'll fall down the stairs and lie undiscovered as the cat eats my face. And I don't even have a cat.
There's freedom, and there's freedom. "Me time" is one thing. But "WHY IS IT ONLY ME?!" time is another.
"Don't you get lonely?"
Sometimes, yes. *looks around the room* *whistles softly* And now what? Are you going to come over to mine every night to share your day's news, hold me around the waist, and make lifelong white-picket-fence-based plans? It's a pointless, patronising question. What about you? Do you get lonely? Lying next to someone who spends more time DMing strangers than s/he does talking to you? Hmm?
"Did you know that women over 40 are more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to get married?"
Get you, with your cup half full! This "fact" has wound up single women for three decades – ever since Newsweek magazine ran that delightful (since debunked and retracted) cover story. A "friend" even says it to Meg Ryan's Annie in Sleepless in Seattle.
"That statistic is not true!" Annie replies.
In steps Rosie O'Donnell's Becky: "That's right – it's not true. But it feels true."
Of course the wedding odds are much longer when you are older. But I don't feel hopeless. And I don't see why people would want to make me feel hopeless.
"It's just couples tonight. You understand"
No. No I don't. So because I'm not with someone, I'm deemed too dull/stoopid/whatever to be part of the circle now? Even though we've known each other for 15 years and you thought me a hit and a hoot for every one of those?
Or is it that the chat will be loft conversions and school places and you know I'll have nothing to add? Or you think you'll have nothing to say about my life? Or you think I'm after the men around the table? Jesus.
"At least you have lots of sex"
Come again? Single me may get more opportunities and offers than coupled-up people, but that doesn't mean I take them up. Put it this way, the last time I had sex it was unexpected and I wasn't "sex ready". I've been having traumatising flashbacks ever since – and am tempted to send the poor man a "With Sympathy" card.
I don't need sex for affirmation any more. I'm more discerning about who I tog down with. So I'd wager you, married friend with constant companion a glass of pinot away, are having sex as often as I am. Deepest sympathies to you, too.
"But you'll be old on your own"
A) Thanks. B) Cheery! C) Where did you find an immortal partner/spouse? D) What is the point of saying that? And, E) I'll be that woman at the community centre with a brandy in her hand, too much blusher on her cheeks, and all the old boys wanting to be on her arm for the dinner dance. Don't worry about me, love.
"Being married isn't easy, you know"
I'm sure it isn't. It also sometimes isn't easy being single. You have to deal with everything on your own. We can, of course, but being your own cheerleader and support is exhausting. In my 40s I had to go to hospitals and clinics a lot – to see if I was too old to have a baby – and I endured every appointment on my own. The waiting rooms were filled with nervous couples, holding hands and whispering encouragement to each other, and I was there with Twitter for company. Virtual *hugs* don't quite hack it.
'What's wrong with you?'
You'll have to ask men.
'What's wrong with men?'
You'll have to ask them.
I know that most of marrieds' comments are meant to comfort and empathise, but they can be a little eugh. Of course, the worst thing you can say to someone single is... nothing. I don't get any 'You seeing anyone?'s any more. People have stopped asking. It's like they don't think I'll ever find someone to fall in love with. Hold me, readers. Hold me!
