Now listen, you. You've been a very naughty follower of fashion. Over the past few months you have been far too relaxed. Your behaviour has been loose and your look dishevelled. The neighbours say you look like you should be living on an ashram in the middle of Morocco (they're not very good at geography. Or yoga).
And don't think we haven't noticed how you keep going on about that bloody Sienna Miller. Things have to change. Consider this a warning. If you want to remain fashionable over the next few months you'll need to take the following advice.
ACT MORE LIKE A LADY
Any clothes and accessories that scream "I'm a bohemian tramp" should be promptly hidden at the back of the wardrobe because this winter tailoring is uptight and silhouettes are demure. This doesn't mean that you should give up your high-powered job to stay at home and hold tea parties. The modern, post-feminist woman does ladylike her way - the blouses are demure, but may also be transparent and flirty. And although pencil skirts and jackets are fitted, they are empowering and not too fragile.
Donate to charity: Your kaftan (or only bring it out at the beach).
Keep: Your pretty floral blouse.
Buy: A flattering, tailored dress such as those at Karen Walker, Kate Sylvester, Helen Cherry and Hailwood. And if you add the matching jacket, you may well have a long-lasting winter classic.
BE A MAN
Well no, put down that hammer. We don't mean literally. But there's something sexy about the mannish looks on the international runways, don't you think? Plenty of hot girls in long, lean trouser suits or dressed like schoolboys in ties and shirts. And it's not as hard to join those lithe, long-limbed tomboys as you think.
This winter's men's clothes for women are fitted for the feminine figure and as such, can be very flattering. Tailored waistcoats, plaid suiting and shirts, trench coats and various girlie versions of the tuxedo jacket are readily available from designers like Nom*D, Deborah Sweeney, Helen Cherry, Workshop and Angela Lewis as well as at your friendly neighbourhood chain store. All you have to do is juxtapose the masculine look with something feminine, like a pencil skirt or killer heels.
Donate to charity: Your boyfriend's beer-logo T-shirt.
Keep: Skinny leg trousers.
Buy: A boyish waistcoat or a fine knit V-neck - Standard Issue is doing fantastic versions of the latter for blokes but anyone can wear them. Put a shirt underneath and add a skinny tie if you're in a particularly laddish mood.
BLOW EVERYTHING OUT OF PROPORTION
Playing with shapes in fabric is a popular pastime among bored fashion designers. So now there are oversized collars, elongated lapels, sleeves so big they'd fit an orang-utan and netball-sized shoulders popping up all over the place. And, there's also the dreaded puffball revival.
If the thought of wearing oddly shaped garments fills you with horror, do not despair. Some of these experiments are far more subtle than they sound. Examples such as Helen Cherry's softly draped or Liz Mitchell's voluminous sleeves as well as odd pocket placements by Cybele and bigger collars at Hailwood and Kate Sylvester are not overtly weird - they'll just make everything more interesting.
And the perfect high waisted pencil skirt with a slightly tulip hem can be found at Mala Brajkovic. While other items - bright pink silk puffballs by Deborah Sweeney, a huge Nom*D military coat or the oversized tuxedo at Miss Crabb - require sartorial courage and finesse.
Special note: A lot of this fashion experimentation isn't available at the local chain store so it marks out the designers from the manufacturers.
Donate to charity: In terms of outmoded shapes? Your bootleg or flared trouser.
Keep: Your cropped jacket from last season.
Buy: A cropped jacket or interesting coat. Yes, it's that easy. There are plenty of examples in various styles - everything from motorbike to quilted to tailored and, layered up, they'll look good on almost everyone.
COLOUR ME BAD
By now, you've probably heard that black is back. And following closely in that shade's filthy footsteps are a whole team of more sombre, sober colours. Darker players include deep crimsons, navy, purple, chocolate, charcoal, oatmeal and grey. But just because they're subdued doesn't mean they're dull. Fabrics and textures are richer and more romantic, with silks, velvets and laces dominating.
Donate to charity: Hawaiian prints, boho-ethnic prints, paisleys.
Keep: Deep reds and purples as well as stripes and all-whites. Plus monotone or other more toned-down prints. Those who like living on fashion's edge should note that Prada has already done animal prints for winter 2007.
Buy: Any tailored piece in black that you fancy. Always flattering, and eventually a classic - what more can you ask for?
GO BACK IN TIME
Pretend you're a Victorian. Forget about doing a Brian Tamaki and harking back to antique morals. Think instead of shirts, jackets and skirts. Other historical assets may include a curvaceous waistcoat, some gorgeous ankle boots and longer skirts.
Designers are also looking closer to this century for inspiration with a strong 60s influence coming through. Fine knit turtlenecks, shift dresses and Mod-ish prints are wearable examples.
Donate to charity: 70s disco-era stuff.
Keep: Victorian shirt bought during summer's boho madness. Plus, those retro-futuristic elements of the 80s are still going strong.
Buy: Go on, swallow your pride and give in to fashion - high necked, lacey Victorian-style shirts are just so pretty and flattering. In fact, they're this season's three-tiered skirt. And you can also find more subtle versions, where the shape is similar but the ruffles and lace are minimal.
Tailored garments, rich fabrics for winter
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