Survival of the unfittest on 'Celebrity Treasure Island'

FRANCES GRANT talks to Simon Barnett and Joe Cotton, two of the contestants in TV's 'Celebrity Treasure Island'


Celebrities are a competitive breed. You can't get your face on the telly or ascend to international sporting fame and be a shrinking violet. So it's not surprising that when you talk to two contestants from opposing teams about their experiences as castaways on Celebrity Treasure Island (TV2, tonight, 7pm) they seem to be vying for top honours.

The sought-after prize this time, however, is unexpected: radio broadcaster Simon Barnett and singer-TV presenter Joe Cotton seem to be going for the gong as the most ill-equipped to survive.

"I'm probably diametrically opposed to Horse - I'm Shetland," says Barnett, referring to the tough-as-old-boots camp commander of the last series.

Barnett and Cotton's descriptions of their hunter-gatherer skills - or lack thereof - would have Horse braying in contempt.

Cotton details her attempts to find a meal on the Fijian island.

"You know I'd tried to climb a tree or two ... occasionally I'd made a token effort but that was all it was. Everyone who saw me go off with good intentions knew that's all it was too. They knew I was going to come back empty-handed."

But Barnett has a matcher: "I went out and caught this fish, but I didn't want to kill it, I just felt really mean. So that was really hopeless."

The eventual death of the fish weighed heavily on his mind. "I felt really bad about it, I felt terrible. That night I was singing Nemo songs in my head."

The third series of the survivor-style gameshow is gender war again, the men's team (Barnett, Josh Kronfeld, Maz Quinn, Brent Todd, Ian Roberts, Terenzo Bozzone, Troy Flavell) against the women (Cotton, Lana Coc-Kroft, Charlotte Dawson, Jayne Kiely, Aja Rock, Hayley Marie Byrnes, Wendy Botha-Todd). The camp commandant role is taken by Louise Wallace, reprising the severity she cultivated to host The Weakest Link.

As far as being prepared for the island survivor experience goes, the teams appear to be running neck and neck in the cluelessness stakes. Why did Barnett and Cotton want to go on the adventure?

Cotton saw it as a potential slimming programme. "I had no idea what I was in store for, not one clue. And that was a good thing I think. I just hoped that I'd go there and they'd starve me and I'd lose lots of weight."

For a telly veteran, however, Barnett has no excuses for the illusions held. "I thought it would be - you know - like television. At the end of filming they'd turn off the cameras and the gourmet meals would be brought out. And the fridges would be rolled up the beach.

"When we started eating out of clam shells and using our fingers to spoon rice out of the bowl and drinking out of rusted baked bean cans for our cups, I thought this could be a long stay."

Next up, the attitude to beachwear section. Who has the best excuse for wearing not much by way of clothes?

"The funny thing is, my wife said to me, 'Oh, you're not going to look like a show pony, are you?"' says Barnett, who admits to going to the gym and "keeping pretty fit". Is that so he'd look good in togs? "No, just so I didn't feel really bad next to Ian Roberts."

Cotton: "I think it [a bikini] is just the easiest thing really to run around in."

On to less superficial concerns, then. What did they learn from their stint of basic living on a desert island?

Barnett: "There were times when you became quite philosophical and I'd just go for a walk down to the beach and I'd just sit there and sort of philosophise and question the importance of life and what I'm there for and that sort of stuff."

That's very deep for a reality TV show. "Yeah, it was eh? I found myself getting quite deep. My thoughts became quite intrusive towards the end, like for me, I was kind of freaking myself out."

Cotton, who says she enjoyed the experience so much she didn't want to leave the island, learned something much more practical.

"The one thing I really did learn is that there is no amount of bug spray that can save you from mosquitoes, none. You can spray every inch of your body and they will still bite you somewhere."

Cotton shows a similar earthiness when asked what was the weirdest moment. "Celebrities using a long drop only 50m from where I was sleeping."

Barnett found waking up with rugby giant Kronfeld's arm around him the most disconcerting part of his stay. "I woke up with a start and there was this big, heavy lump of meat on me. That was his arm. And I thought, 'What do I do?' It just felt really wrong, lying there with his arm around me. I was thinking, 'What do I do here?"'

The competition is hottest on claims of bonding with their team-mates, however.

Cotton: "I loved them, it was lots of fun."

Barnett: "I just thought they were really lovely and the whole team were fantastic. I'm not sure how the other guys felt, they probably were bored senseless with me. Because I talk a lot.

"I could've been the guy they couldn't get away from. But when I was away from my family, I sort of like talking and group hugs and all of that."

The severity of the illness of fellow contestant Lana Coc-Kroft took both by surprise. They didn't realise until the show was over and they were back home just how ill Coc-Kroft had become. "I worked with Lana on Wheel of Fortune, so she and I have a really nice relationship. She's a friend of mine, so I was really worried for her and obviously I thought a lot about her partner and her kids," says Barnett.

Barnett, father of four daughters, says missing his wife and family was the hardest thing. But he toughed it out, right?

No, sorry blokes, when it comes to lack of emotional toughness Barnett wins the prize, hands down. "I said to myself before I went on the island, I said, 'Do not cry when you're talking about your kids or your wife. End of story. Just don't cry because you'll look like a sap.' Sadly, I didn't pass that test. And when I got home, I said that to my wife and she said, 'Oh, you didn't cry!"'