Stoptober - Diary of a Quitter: Day 20

Matthew Backhouse smokes his last cigarette before starting Stoptober. Photo / Nick Reed

Journalist Matthew Backhouse chronicles his efforts to quit smoking for Stoptober in a daily diary.

Forever. That's a pretty long time for anyone to contemplate, let alone a reasonably healthy 32-year-old whose working definition of 'forever' is the length of time before you can skip an ad on You Tube.

So it's been odd, to say the least, to try to imagine how long I want to stay quit for. Forever - what does that really mean?

But surprisingly, the idea of not having a single smoke, ever again, hasn't been anywhere as daunting as I thought it would be. In fact, as this month has gone on, it's not only seemed more and more achievable - I've started to take pride in the the fact that I can make it happen. All I have to do is stay strong, to not let addiction get the better of me.

Read yesterday's entry here.

I've gone three days without the patches now, and I haven't really craved a cigarette for much longer than that. Don't ask me how it happened; the resolve is just there.

It turns out the hardest part of this journey isn't what I expected it to be. It's this - getting all my thoughts and fears down every day.

By now, I'd much rather just get on with the day-to-day reality of being a former smoker. I can go long stints now without even thinking about cigarettes, but this diary keeps dragging me back to that addicted pattern of thinking.

But it's still been a great motivator. Counting off each day, retelling my little triumphs and little defeats, has kept me focused on the goal. At first, that goal was to take each day as it comes. Yes, I wanted to quit for good from the beginning - but that also seemed too finite, too daunting. I got through it initially by telling myself I'd just give this month a go, and then take it as it comes.

Slowly, that goal has changed. A month? That's nothing. How about a year, or two, or three?

How about forever.

To take part in Stoptober, visit www.stoptober.nz

For help quitting, visit Quitline at www.quit.org.nz or phone 0800 778 778