OPINION
Phoenix palms! One of the great symbols of Auckland, with their abundance, their grandeur, the way they speak to the sub-tropics and the good life and warm weather - they are lustrous explosions of frond, forever caught in a tropical breeze blowing off a blue lagoon. They make Auckland look like an island. They bring the sea with them. They bring sunsets, happiness, romance. Everybody hates Phoenix palms.
Phoenix palms! I hate them. There are six of them on my estate, and they are death traps, with their spikes and their toxins and their aggression. Report, Pest Free Kaipātiki Restoration Society: “Phoenix palm have sharp spines that easily penetrate skin and often snap off, working their way deep into tissues in under 24 hours. They may also carry a toxin. They definitely cause pain and can cause infection - often requiring surgery for complete removal ... PPE gear, extremely thick gloves and eye protection should be used when working with Phoenix palms.”
Phoenix palms! I have one in my arm. I will wear it for the rest of my days. Sans PPE gear, sans extremely thick gloves, and sans fear or horse sense, I ventured into the thick jungles of my estate a week before Easter and chopped back a Phoenix palm to allow more light to fall on my potato patch. For such a tough old brute, its branches are easily sawed off. But a spine broke off in my arm, seemed to burrow itself deeper and deeper over the next few days – I guess it liked me – and my arm swelled up and a surgeon cut me open but couldn’t find it and an ultrasound couldn’t detect it, just the long track that it made, and so the best advice is to leave it there and go through life as semi-human, part-Phoenix palm.