Steve Braunias on a saw point
Chainsaw! Such a tough and aggressive little portmanteau, its two nailed-together words a perfect vortex of annihilation and screaming. No one thinks of a chainsaw switched off. Everyone thinks of a chainsaw switched on, the volume turned to 11. Loud, hysterical, a heavy metal drone, it requires both hands and is just the ticket when you need something amputated on the farm or around the home. Stand back! Its teeth will gnaw through branch and bone.
Chainsaw, I thought. That's what I need. The neighbour mentioned he'd be grateful if I trimmed a few branches of my grapefruit tree because it was blocking out light to his reptile cages. I've been over now and then to have a look; he's got an amazing collection of lizards, in yellows and greens, which he feeds with things like bananas. He also keeps frogs. One of my life's great and simple pleasures is to walk out onto the back deck of an evening and listen to their singing. I wouldn't want to deny these creatures anything.
"Chainsaws, please." I strode into Mitre 10 like I knew the place and was familiar with its shelves of tools and whatnot. I very rarely go into Mitre 10 and have no idea about tools, or whatnot. Certainly, I have never used a chainsaw or even been near one. But I'd done my consumer's homework. I read everything in my letterbox and was delighted to find a range of chainsaws in the Mitre 10 brochure. The cheapest was $129. The price spoke to me and so did the promise of howling rage. We've all had a stressful year. We all deserve a bit of release.
Chainsaws are either electric or petrol. The man at Mitre 10 took me to the $129 model. I said, "Is this an electric one?" He didn't say anything. He just pointed to the cord. I hate people who don't suffer fools. I suffer fools very willingly and quite freely; to act otherwise would be gross hypocrisy. Fools have as much right to take their place in Mitre 10 as the wise and the competent. We try our best. We give things a shot. We're good for the economy: a fool and his money are easily parted, although you could say the same thing about a fool and his limbs.