Gregg's Decaf Roast: An AI coffee. The absence of caffeine robs it of its soul. It's a butterfly net without a butterfly, a pair of pants with one leg, the sound of one hand clapping. And yet it's a really good imitation of the real thing, and it's hard to tell the difference. Clones are cool. But they're still phoney and literally gutless. 6/10.
Robert Harris Swiss Gold: A coffee of two halves. It has a confused taste on the tongue, as if it's lost its memory and is wandering the streets in a daze; it lacks identity. But when the drink is swallowed, it bursts into life, is confident, assured, the life of the party. 7/10.
Moccona Classic: A sexy coffee. The aroma and taste are so thoroughly sensual. It turns out the light, puts on some soft music, lies down. It whispers sweet nothings in your ear. But it's also deeply spiritual and may even be a religious fanatic. Does it believe in God or Satan? Probably both. 9/10.
Douwe Egberts: Douwe Egberts! What a name. You'll probably find it in the pages of Burke's Peerage. It's an elite coffee and tastes of wealth. It's aristocratic, loaded. It's a coffee that is different to you and me. It's Jay Gatsby, it's Princess Di. 10/10.
Cafe de Sol Colombian: It shoots, it scores. It strides on to the field and passes it short, passes it long, all the while advancing on goal. This is beautiful coffee, coffee in sunlight and shadow, the fruit of heaven freeze-dried and turned into coffee. 10/10.
Robert Harris Italian Roast: A professorial coffee. It's a scholar in the library, translating ancient texts, a student of the history and meaning of coffee. It's the most knowledgeable and intelligent of all the eight freeze-dried sachets; every granule has a PhD. 10/10.
Coffee Master Brazilian: It's coffee - but not as we know it. It's like an alien life form, an ET weighing 1.5g, a visitor from outer space. It tastes like nothing else, has a luminous, radiant presence. It comes in peace. It's amazing. 11/10.
There you have it. Cut out and keep; by all means take it with you next time you book a hotel or motel. You can thank me later – and, if you come across that rarest of all instant coffee sachets, Royale Brazilian, please filch a sample and get in touch, I'd love to add that to my collection.
Next column: Ashleigh Young