Steve Braunias and the curse on all his houses
My house was at risk on account of the fact the world was ending, soon, very soon, back in 2018. I spent most of that year in a state of terrible fear that we were on the edge of extinction, that helter-skelter was coming down fast, that the world had the revolution blues - I saw bloody fountains, it wasn't pretty. But as a practical man who always assesses the situation and makes the necessary adjustments, I went about laying down supplies. I came across a box on Tuesday. Everything in it that could be eaten had long passed its expiry date. It was, I speculated, the world's saddest box.
My house was at risk, surely, from some abrupt catastrophic event brought on by climate change – my own best guess was fire. I read Young Men and Fire that year and could scarcely breathe. Anyone who has ever read Norman Maclean's book, an account of the Mann Gulch fire of 1949 which killed 13 firefighters, will never forget the experience; all writing takes you somewhere and Maclean's masterpiece takes you inside a fire. And so I used to worry a lot about the Earth catching on fire, and surrounding the house with flames, but everything was going to be okay because I had 12 600ml bottles of Active Spring Water. Bottled water expires too and I poured it down the sink.
My house was at risk from another kind of ignition: the accelerants of North Korea, and Trump. The world's two most insane leaders had the potential to gift their insanity to all the nations of the Earth in a nuclear war. The best thing to do about it was stay home and close the doors – so long as you were prepped, and I was fully prepped. I had a packet of 30 Dilmah teabags and a 100g packet of Nescafe Fine Blend. I took the box out of its cupboard in the garage, and made a hot drink, blowing on the steam while surveying the various junk I had assembled in the past few days and placed in a corner of the garage.
Your house was at risk, too, but I was one step ahead. While you passed your expiry date in flames or whatever other kind of inferno, I would sit back safe and sound with a 10-pack of rubbish bags, two bars of Johnson's baby soap, and a packet of Chocolate Thins. I don't know how long I figured these things would last for a family of three. I don't know what I was thinking that year and as it turned out our family was due to end soon, very soon. The house was sold recently and the settlement date is December 2.
