Sonia Grimes: How I hid my alcoholism from my son

I'd always believed that alcohol had chosen me but, in fact, I had chosen alcohol. Photo / Getty

I always looked immaculate at the school gates, so none of the other mothers had a clue that throughout my son Christopher's childhood (he's now 19), I would drink myself into a stupor the moment he was in bed.

By the time I had Christopher, at 33, I'd been an alcoholic for 10 years. It started with a glass of wine on nights out, but soon I was drinking all night then finishing half a bottle of vodka back at my flat.

Things spiralled after my mum was killed in a road accident when I was 27. Neither my dad nor any of my eight siblings lived nearby, so I struggled to cope. I worked as a PA and I'd drink at work, hiding vodka in my filing cabinet. I don't know how I got away with it.

What finally made me stop - temporarily - was getting unexpectedly pregnant. I was two months into a relationship with a man I'd met at work, but it didn't last. I didn't touch alcohol when I was carrying Christopher, but after he was born I suffered severe post-natal depression.

Antidepressants didn't touch the sides, so by the time he was 18 months old I was drinking again. I knew Christopher needed me but alcohol took the edge off my anxiety. Mornings were the worst: I'd wake up panicked that something had happened to him overnight. Then I'd just lie with him on the sofa watching TV, full of guilt.

During Christopher's school years, I held things together during the day, but was always desperate for a drink by the evening. I'd pretend that we'd run out of something so I could go to the shops to buy vodka. The first time I had any awareness that Christopher knew my secret was when he was nine. We were going to a party and he said, "You won't drink too much tonight, will you Mum?" I felt so ashamed.

When Christopher became a teenager I'd drink in my room, but of course he knew. He didn't want me near his friends, as I was unpredictable. He was sometimes verbally aggressive, but most of the time he tried not to speak to me at all.

In 2014, I went to the doctor with a viral infection and was told if I didn't stop drinking, I'd die. But I didn't think I could. Instead, I began studying nutrition, hoping I could keep myself healthy and carry on drinking. When I read about making healthy food choices, something clicked.

I'd always believed that alcohol had chosen me but, in fact, I had chosen alcohol. I'd made the choice to drink and realised I could choose to stop. It sounds so simple, but that light-bulb moment in June 2015 changed everything. There was no last drink: I just quit.

When I told Christopher, who was then 17, he didn't believe me. But I wanted to prove things would be different so I set up YOUtrition, a business to help women battle their food demons. My home office was next to Christopher's bedroom, so every morning he could see me working. Four months later, he came in and said, 'Mum, I believe you.' I was so happy.

There isn't one aspect of my life that hasn't improved, but the transformation of my relationship with Christopher is the most important. After I stopped drinking he told me, 'I always loved you, Mum. But I didn't respect you.' Now he tells me all the time how proud he is of me. At 52, I finally feel good enough for my son.

* As told to Helen Gent