Speaking to Paula Bennett on her Herald podcast Ask Me Anything, Gray said that she has been happy to take up the cause, as she felt it was a necessary thing to do to help others.
“When we were in the thick of it with my daughter and I didn’t think we’d survive it, I thought if by chance we do survive this, I have to do something, because here I am in my nice four-bedroom villa in Mount Eden, we have all these advantages other people don’t have and we’re still sinking, so how are other people doing it?
“And they’re not. So it almost wasn’t a choice. It was a drive. It had to be my mission and it still is.”
She said that there are sensitivities since she is putting her own family out there, but Gray ensures that her daughter is comfortable with whatever she discusses.
Neurodiversity is a hot topic at the moment, with more adults getting diagnosed with conditions like ADHD and autism later in life as understanding about the conditions evolves.
Gray recently won Best History or Documentary Podcast at the Radio and Podcast Awards for No Such Thing as Normal, which returns in early July for a second season.
From her years of research and talking, Gray told Bennett that she is a lot she has learned that she wishes she knew at the time.
“It was just embarrassing because I had this quote unquote ‘out of control kid’ who was in the supermarket pulling things down, tearing up library books in the library or whatever. And people do not respond well to that.
“And I’m crying because it’s not just that my kid’s torn up a library book. It’s like, what the frick is going on? Everything I do is not working. And so now I wish I had known now what I know then.”
One of those is meltdowns, which is often seen as antisocial behaviour, but Gray has since learned that it’s a physiological response to a threat, and parents shouldn’t be judged or feel judged for this reaction.
“The advice there is understanding that even though it’s really hard for you as a parent or for the outside world to understand, this is not a choice. This is a kid that is so emotionally disregulated. We might not get as emotionally dysregulated with the same set of circumstances, but we’re not in their brain. So that’s the leap we’ve got to make.”
Gray said she also wishes she had understood more at the time how much her own stress and anxiety about her daughter’s behaviour contributed to concerns.
“My stress feed that, because this is a kid that feels everything, and I’m her mother, even if I’m trying to smile and look happy, she’s feeling my disregulation.
“We went to all the psychologists, psychiatrists, behavioural therapists ... everything you can think of, I tried. The biggest change was when I learnt how to stay calm, no matter what was going on.”
From a societal level, the biggest change Gray wants to see is around the education system.
“I know teachers do the absolute best they can. But I think we are at a point where we have to just look at completely reworking the system. And I know that’s not easy, but it’s just not working for so many kids.
“I read some stats that 15% of kids actually thrive in the current education system. Most can just get through, but it’s hard for them. And we’ve got all this talk about the problems with truancy at the moment. And it’s like, why aren’t we making it somewhere they want to go?
She particularly doesn’t like the plans to fine parents for their kids not showing up.
“I mean, I’d have to take out a second mortgage if that was in place. It’s physically impossible to get a kid over about 7 to somewhere they don’t want to go. They’re blaming the parents. That is so frickin triggering to me. I get it because that seems like an easy solution, but it’s just missing the whole point.”
Listen to the full episode for more from Sonia Gray about her experiences with neurodiversity, what parents and society need to know, and why she is done with reality TV.
No Such Thing as Normal returns July 6 wherever you get your podcasts.
Ask Me Anything is an NZ Herald podcast hosted by former Deputy Prime Minister Paula Bennett. New episodes are available every Sunday.
You can follow the podcast at iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
