Something in the mulk

By MICHELE HEWITSON


"Does living in Hamilton make you scary, and maybe even a little mad?"

That was mad John Campbell interviewing a shrink last week for his maybe-a-little-mad A Queen's Tour (TV3, tonight 8.30).

Good try, John. The answer was: "I really don't think so, John."

After the first episode of A Queen's Tour, that might also have been my response.

The opening voice-over was just plain dotty: "Once upon a time a young Queen came to New Zealand ... we were so excited."

Well, you still are, John.

The idea is that each week John and sidekicks will visit a place the Queen went to on her big trip and find out how those places have changed.

There's a section on a Saturday night out. In Whangarei, Jaquie Brown dressed up as the Queen and went to the ball. John attempted to invest this little outing with significance: "Another transformation ... into royalty." Brown to a ballgoer: "I hope you've got knickers on underneath."

That was about as quirky as the first episode got. We were treated to snore-inducing facts and figures: 229 people in Whangarei make their living out of arts and crafts; so many boats built; best-selling item at the Warehouse, which, fancy, is the biggest in Australasia.

There was an amiable but pointless interview with Winston Peters, during which Campbell laughed away like a happy hyena for no good reason. This was about as riveting as afternoon tea with a minor royal.

And Campbell and producer Carol Hirschfeld seemed to think so too. Because last week's episode, set in Hamilton, was completely silly and all the better for it.

Hamilton, Campbell insisted, was an enigma, a giant bypass.

"Have you ever stopped?" he bellowed. "Have you ever taken the time to get to know Hamilton?"

Then, apropos of God knows what, there was a clip showing Winston being kicked out of the House.

"Yeah, kick him out," shouted John.

Goodness, poor Winston. Whatever had he done in the interim?

John has moved on: from pollies to babies. There he was holding a baby. Why? So that he could tell us that the Waikato produces 4.3 billion litres of "mulk".

"Hamilton, it's a boom town fuelled by milk."

Is Campbell running for mayor? Has somebody put something in his mulk? Perhaps we should be told.

Whatever he was on, Campbell was wildly over-excited about Hamilton. He was also excited about his interview with Mitch, and Mitch's ears.

"Show'em to the camera," he instructed the former All Black coach.

Mitch's ears must be a result of playing rugby Waikato-style - all those mad lunatics, explained Campbell, before moving right on to talk to Mitch about his "primal animal fears".

I imagine anyone would feel a primal animal fear coming on faced with the prospect of mad John interviewing them. Mitch certainly had a look on his face which closely resembled that of one bemused animal being bailed up by another very strange sort of animal.

Scary, it said, and perhaps a little mad.

I quite like John's A Queen's Tour, in patches. The format is loony: part home truths, part Royal Variety Performance, part attempting to appeal to the young things (not the parts with the suit-wearing Campbell, presumably), though it doesn't quite hang together.

But it's a pleasant enough watch. It's good honest Kiwi tucker - a sausage roll and a cuppa - comforting, in a slightly endearingly and yes, idiosyncratic sort of way.