Sleep divorce is on the rise. Photo / Getty Images
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For Samantha and John, the arrival of a beautiful baby daughter was – as is so often the case – the nail in the coffin of the marital bed.
In truth, Samantha has never enjoyed sharing a bed and when the couple’s baby arrived, she seized her chance to send John to the spare room for good.
“For a long time, he didn’t like it, “Samantha says. “He was insistent we sleep together – but I said I didn’t want that and that it was horrible for me.”
Samantha says she has always craved solo sleeping – in one previous relationship she used to wait until her partner fell asleep then sneak off to another room.
When she and her now-husband were first together he travelled a lot for work so sharing a bed was a novelty. But when the baby arrived and John was around the house more, she made the call for a permanent switch to separate beds.
Samantha is not alone. Research in the US suggests as many as about one in four couples sleep in different beds all or some of the time. The hellish trinity of snoring, restless wriggling and, of course, babies are usually blamed.
Lots of rich and famous couples are rumoured to sleep in separate quarters. David and Victoria Beckham are apparently fans of the arrangement, and the late Queen Elizabeth and husband Prince Philip had separate royal bedchambers.
Sharing a bed for comfort is a relatively new concept. It used to be only for those in poverty and was considered a bit gross.
In the 1880s, a series of articles by British physician Dr Benjamin Ward Richardson warned of the risks of inhaling a bedfellow’s germs: “The system of having beds in which two persons can sleep is always, to some extent, unhealthy.”
Samantha and her husband have now slept separately for more than seven years. As well as the baby, she says John snored – “he has broken his nose five times so you can imagine”.
She has never been happier – but says the decision has come with some critical judgment.
“We go on holiday a lot and would book separate beds at hotels. That’s when it started getting attention and judgment. We had lots of people saying there must be something wrong with our marriage, when really, we just prioritise sleep.”
Sleep also became the priority for Hayley and Phil and again a new baby was the catalyst.
The decision to go their separate ways when the lights go out was also partly driven by a need for space – Hayley is home all day with the baby and Phil works from home, so they found they were in each other’s pockets. That will be a familiar feeling to many couples who endured Covid lockdowns together and then found workplaces relaxing rules so more people could work from home.
Hayley says she won’t consider a return to sharing a bed “until they start making beds bigger than a Californian King,” or until their kids leave home.
However, she insists it has not meant the end of an intimate relationship. They take time to “creatively schedule” to ensure they spend quality time together, “in the kitchen, lounge or bathroom – or just any room without the baby or the dog”.
There’s little doubt that having a baby reduces both the opportunity and desire to make time for sex. But experts agree that moving to separate bedrooms is not the death knell for intimacy – or for relationships.
And it’s not just the women who are into it. Dan and his wife Stacey have been sleeping in separate beds for two years because of Dan’s sleep apnea – and the decision to part ways at bedtime was his idea.
“I snore like a freight train, and it was pissing me off that my wife was pissed off about it.”
He moved into the spare room and never looked back – saying it hasn’t affected their relationship negatively whatsoever. If anything – they’re happier than ever. He urges fellow couples to consider it if they want to prioritise quality of sleep, and to ignore that nagging feeling that it’s not “the done thing”.
“There’s no point sleeping with someone just because of some outdated romantic ideology and then waking up in a grump because you haven’t slept all night.”
While it may sound counter-intuitive, intimacy counsellor Angela Rennie is a big fan of separate beds.
“One of the top reasons couples used to break up many years ago was from snoring and lack of sleep. Sleep is the number one most important thing for your physical and mental health and if you’re not sleeping everything goes out the window, including relationship satisfaction.”
Rennie says that “10 or 15 years ago” people used to think that separate rooms signalled the end of a relationship.
“There’s definitely a rise in couples who sleep in separate beds and it’s a lot more acceptable than it used to be and there’s a lot less judgment.
“When I first used to mention I was an advocate for it, people were horrified. I’m an advocate because I’m a light sleeper and that’s not my partner’s fault. I will have such broken sleep with someone rolling around next to me.”
She says although lots of couples have separate rooms while their children are very young, she’s also seeing this continue even once the kids are getting older.
“It’s not unusual for me to see couples who are still co-sleeping with 10-year-olds.”
She believes that sleeping apart permanently is fine as long as couples are making time to stay connected – and as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement.
“If [having] separate beds does go on forever, this can get in the way of getting intimacy back on track, but if you’re finding ways to maintain all kinds of intimacy, including sexual, and you’re both okay with it, then it’s not a problem.”
Kelsey and her husband are in separate beds by agreement. “I’m up breastfeeding at night, and he needs quality sleep to be able to function at work.”
She says she knows lots of other mums who are doing the same and that it has had a positive impact on the relationship.
“It’s just a logistical thing that helps both of you get a better night’s sleep and you’re a better partner if you’re sleeping properly. Our relationship suffers when he’s sleep deprived and there’s more tension in our household. This is a solution to that.”
Rennie says problems can rear up when one partner is unhappy with the arrangement. The key, she says, is constantly assessing the arrangement.
“If you’re sleeping with a child but really trying to prioritise quality time and affection and intimacy then it’s not going to damage your relationship, but often people neglect that connection with their partner.”
She suggests that before you separate for the night, make sure you have some quality time together.
“Jump in each other’s bed and have a cuddle before going to your own bed to sleep. Have a catch-up chat for at least 15 minutes without devices. Take turns planning at least one date night a week and try to book in intimacy once a week too – that kind of thing is important.”
There’s no evidence to suggest that couples who sleep apart for the purpose of better sleep have any less of a romantic connection than couples who share a bed and for Samantha, intimacy has actually grown because of the focus on it.
“People assume it means we’re not intimate, when really the opposite is true – we’re more intentional with our intimacy and we have a really happy and strong marriage. And particularly when you’re a parent you can’t get intimate all the time anyway, so it’s not a big deal”.
Samantha has learned to brush off any criticism or judgment. And the couple is so happy she jokes that the only way they’d go back to sharing a bed would be “in the event I went completely deaf”.
“Lots of people are sleeping in separate beds but they don’t talk about it because they’re judged for it,” she says.
“If you want to try it, have an honest conversation with your partner and assure them it’s not because you don’t love them – it’s because you want to prioritise sleep. That’s why I find it so shocking when people judge it – it’s just sleep.”
This story was originally published on April 9, 2023
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