Why do women get so physically judgmental of other women? Photo / Thinkstock
Why do women get so physically judgmental of other women? Photo / Thinkstock
An older male friend of mine took a look at my shoes and snorted.
"You look like a dominatrix," he said with an eye roll, "why don't you wear something sensible?" I sniffily informed him that they were actually Spanish style limited edition boots that I'd saved up for weeks for. He raised an eyebrow. "It's modern day foot binding. Can you even walk in them?"
At the time I said something huffy and flounced off. (Well, it's hard to actually flounce in them. I staggered off like a pregnant penguin.) But I couldn't forget the comment.
It came back to me again last week when I was reading about an Adelaide woman who'd suffered nerve damage from her skinny jeans. She'd passed out and been hospitalised from the pressure of lifting things in them.
I couldn't help thinking about my friend while I was reading how they'd had to cut the jeans off her. They were cut off her? It made skinnies sound like an instrument of torture that would have made the Spanish Inquisition say, "Now, steady on!"
So why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Because let's not pretend that I, or many other women, are going to stop wearing skinnies or high heels or bony push up bras just because they're painful. I know what my friend would say: he'd say we do it for other women.
It's an argument I heard before when I wrote a column about why I wax. Men, and some women, turned around and said, "Verity, you do that because women would judge the shit out of you if you didn't."
Now, this isn't an argument I really like admitting to. I don't want to admit that I, as a woman, may support patriarchal beauty norms. But I also don't like the second assumption that normally comes with the idea that women judge women.
But firstly, is there any truth in the idea that women judge women?
Well, I know that in some situations I wear heels because I want to impress men. But I also wear heels when I'm just with women. Why? I want other women to think I've made an effort/look nice/don't look like I've just been spat out by a giant flesh-eating caterpillar.
And if I'm honest, I do judge women on their appearance.
Kendall Jenner in skinnies and heels. Photo / Getty Images
The other day I was having a hung over coffee with my girlfriend. These four beautiful blonde women with the gym-gear-as-fashion look sat down beside us. I instantly felt grumpy because I looked shit in comparison. So my friend and I had a quick, ridiculous bitch about how we thought that people who wore gym gear for fashion were just vain. (I'm fully aware of how silly this is, not in the least because I wear fashion gym gear.) We're not nasty people, but we were being judgmental.
So yes, I admit that women do judge each other, and that means that we are part of the reason why we all keep strapping painful things to our feet and thighs.
BUT, and that is a "BUT" worthy of capitals, I don't agree with the statement that normally comes after this. The notorious sentence that sounds like, "women judge other women because they're inherently competitive and want to prove they're better than other women".
This is wrong. Women are not all in some twisted competition to win at life over other women.
I'd argue that in general, human beings are a compassionate, helpful bunch. We don't wake up every morning thinking, "Hmm, how can I make everyone else's life shit?" I've found that people, especially people who are more successful than me, have always been willing to share help and advice.
Of course, you do get competitive, bitchy people. But these people are male and female. It's just that often the bitchy stereotype sticks much more strongly to women than men. So no, women aren't horribly bitchy people who see every other woman as competition. Some women are and some men are. But that's a human thing, not a woman thing.
So why do women get so physically judgmental of other women?
Perhaps sometimes it's because we project our insecurity onto other women.
Perhaps, having suffered heels and skinnies, we think other women should suffer them too. Perhaps we are just more interested in fashion and like seeing other women who dress fashionably.
Maybe I just don't know, and we're just doing that human thing where we're completely irrational.
But what I do know is that women are not out to trample their sisters with their dominatrix heels as they scramble to win at the game of life.
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