Negative thoughts can damage our wellbeing, but learning how to look at things from a new perspective can lead to a much sunnier outlook. Photo / Getty Images
Negative thoughts can damage our wellbeing, but learning how to look at things from a new perspective can lead to a much sunnier outlook. Photo / Getty Images
It’s easy to see when someone is in great physical shape. Ask them what their secret is and the answer might be Pilates, HIIT, eight hours sleep a night and no booze. The results of taking care of ourselves physically are easy to perceive and admire.
Less obvious is the hard work some people put into being happy.
Not the cloying Pollyanna-rainbows and sunshine happiness, but the sort where their ship is able to weather the storms that life rolls over them. They aren’t negative, they remain calm and keep perspective. Are they born like that?
Eve Lewis Prieto is one of those people. A calming yet warming presence.
If I were to tell you that she is also Headspace’s director of teaching and mindfulness, you might say, “Well, that explains it!” But, for her, happiness isn’t some empty-headed state of enlightenment; it’s a muscle that she has to exercise every day.
Lewis Prieto, a Brit who moved to Los Angeles seven years ago, was once crippled by anxiety. A bad relationship, thousands of pounds’ worth of debt, and working three jobs to get out of it, left her living on her nerves.
Less obvious is the hard work some people put into being happy. Photo / Getty Images
For her, the journey towards happiness – “Other words you might prefer are contentment or ease,” says the 41-year-old – involved meditation.
She’s a strong believer that happiness is a muscle we can all train. The more skills, tools and resources we build to realise when we’re being pulled down into a negativity rabbit hole, the easier it will be to climb back out.
“The gym is a good analogy because you don’t expect to go to the gym and do one workout and say, ‘I’m done.’You have to continue to train the muscles, and our mental wellbeing is the same.”
So, how do you go about training your happiness muscle?
You don’t need any fancy equipment
Finland has just topped the World Happiness Report rankings for the sixth year running. What’s their secret?
Ironically, low expectations have been widely touted as the reason, rather than reserves of positivity. “They have a deeper sense of ease within themselves and their surroundings,” says Lewis Prieto.
Having lived in both the UK and America, she feels that materialism in Western cultures, the sense of needing and wanting, is the cause of much of our unhappiness.
“We’re so quick to always project forwards rather than stepping back and saying what I have right now is really good,” she says.
Focus on the right muscles
So many of our stresses are caused by wanting things to be different from how they are. “That comes from thinking that happiness is obtainable outside of ourselves,” says Lewis Prieto.
We’ve all said, “When this happens, I’ll be happy.”
That is a normal way to view a situation, particularly if there are a lot of difficult things happening in your life. However, over time this way of thinking can really affect our overall wellbeing, our mental health, and our sense of contentment.
“When we become very attached to a certain outcome, if that thing doesn’t happen, we can think that we’ve failed in some way. Over time, this can affect our self-esteem and self-worth.”
Over time, these negative patterns of thought can have a real impact on your day-to-day life. Photo / 123rf
Instead of focusing on things we can’t control, Lewis Prieto says we should train ourselves to view situations from a different perspective.
According to the National Science Foundation, the average person has between 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts a day. A lot of those are repetitive, ruminating about the same things over and over. Tellingly, says Lewis Prieto, “Much of our thinking – about 80 per cent – tends to be more negative.”
Over time, these negative patterns of thought can have a real impact on your day-to-day life.
“By taking time to train the mind,” she says, “you’re enabling yourself to step back and see things from a different perspective.”
Pause for thought
Mindfulness isn’t an activity that’s reserved for sitting cross-legged in meditation. It’s actually something you can practise no matter what you’re doing.
Ask yourself, can you be fully present with what you’re doing?
“We live in a really distracted world. When you recognise you’re lost in thought, projecting forward, rehashing something that’s already happened, that’s an opportunity to come back and focus on what you’re doing.”
Find ways to pause throughout your day. It could be cooking in silence, rather than with a podcast on, or eating without doing anything else, instead focusing on what your food tastes like.
How to get your happiness endorphin fix
While meditation has been effective for Eve Lewis Prieto, she appreciates that not everyone will want to do it, or feel the same benefits. Here are some other techniques she recommends.
Experts say you should note down when you are distracted by thoughts, particularly negative ones. Photo / Getty Images
Noting
This is a technique where you note down when you are distracted by thoughts, particularly negative ones. “This helps to put some distance between you and your thoughts.”
Repeat the mantra, ‘This won’t last for ever’
A hard day at work, a row with a loved one – it can be hard to know how to respond in those moments. Simply saying to yourself “this won’t last for ever” can be the healthy perspective you need.
“I’ve learnt that when my husband and I are having an argument, the best thing for me to do is to go for a walk, because nothing we say to each other in those moments is going to be healthy,” says Lewis Prieto.
Take a break from social media; watch the sunset without photographing it; get some physical exercise – all of these will boost your mood.
Practise gratitude
“It’s not something I’ll do every day, but if I’m feeling very down or low, I’ll write maybe one or two things I was grateful for that day before I go to bed,” says Lewis Prieto. “It does help me to shift my perspective and to realise there are other good things going on in my life.”
“When someone does something nice for you, it feels really good." Photo / Getty Images
Perform an act of kindness
If you feel like you’re having to force it, then take a step back, but research shows that small acts of kindness, such as opening the door for someone, or helping someone with their grocery bags, have a big impact on our overall feelings of positivity, empathy and compassion.
“When someone does something nice for you, it feels really good, so perhaps you’ll want to repay some of that,” says Lewis Prieto.
Stop the self-narrative
“Why is life so unfair?” “Why me?” These sorts of storylines are easy to be caught up in, but feed our negativity bias. Instead, try doing something nice for someone else that takes the narrative away from yourself.
“Can you listen to a friend? Help out a family member, or someone at work? These things have a lot of currency,” says Lewis Prieto.
Researchers have found that loneliness is just as lethal as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Photo / Getty Images
Work out with other people
Researchers have found that loneliness is just as lethal as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. So spending time with people who make you feel good can give you a lift and refill your happiness energy reserves.
Beware of overtraining
Working on being happy doesn’t mean faking it until you make it. Studies have shown that smiling can make you feel happier, but Lewis Prieto cautions against falling into a toxic positivity trap.
“We shouldn’t be denying or ignoring the fact that bad things will happen in our lives. Being insincere and pretending things are OK when they’re not can lead to a greater sense of unease in the long run.”
Working out won’t always be fun
When we are feeling sad and lonely, it might seem as though things will never change. “I’ve definitely been there, but through my own retraining, becoming a teacher, my own practice and navigating some dark times myself, I’ve been able to find a greater sense of peace and contentment,” says Lewis Prieto.
Just because you’re facing a really tough situation now doesn’t mean it will be like that for ever.
Lower your expectations
Expectations can really cause a lot of havoc. “Going on holiday will make us happy, but what happens if it doesn’t go to plan and there are delays or the weather is bad? Then you will see how quickly you fall back into a negativity bias.”
While it’s good to have plans and goals for a sense of purpose, we also need to be able to weather what happens when things don’t go as we want them to.
“That’s been one of the biggest lessons to me over the years,” says Lewis Prieto. “I had one goal in January and then I had a breast-cancer scare, and that threw everything out of the window, and for a few weeks my life was kind of on hold.
“Thankfully, everything was OK, but when stuff like that happens, the more we can build up a mental resilience, the more we will be able to navigate those times.”
You might need a PT
We talk about happiness and people might think this is a switch you have to turn on. But depending on what you are navigating, you might need some help to switch it on.
“Human beings are resilient, but sometimes we need a little bit of extra help. If talking to a friend isn’t something you want to do, then things like therapy and coaching can be helpful.”
“Human beings are resilient, but sometimes we need a little bit of extra help. If talking to a friend isn’t something you want to do, then things like therapy and coaching can be helpful.” Photo / Getty Images
Fitness maintenance
It can be very easy to fall back into old habits and ways of thinking.
“I’m a meditation teacher and I still have my struggles. My mum is going through chemotherapy treatment for cancer at the moment, and life has been tough. I’ve found myself leaning into that at certain moments.
“A lot of our unhappiness can come from wanting things to be different from how they are, but a lot of it is caused by feeling as though you need to be in control.”
However, Lewis Prieto says that, in her experience, while you always have to do the work, it does get easier.
“I feel much happier than before, but it is not all externally derived; I am much happier within myself now. It is a sense of contentment and ease that I have developed with practice. I appreciate what I have much more than before, because I know how quickly things can change.”
