Friendships bring joy, but they take work. Photo / 123RF
Psychotherapist and author Emma Nadler has top tips for making your friendships run more smoothly.
I am a relationship-based therapist, but like anyone, I can be lured by the illusion that friendship should be logistically simple. But I know from research that the restorative power of true connection requires effort.
Embracing friendship means accepting that friends bring varying levels of inconvenience - yet the many benefits of these relationships are well established.
A 2023 review of 38 research articles about adult friendship indicated that people with close relationships report higher wellbeing, including overall increased life satisfaction. In addition, a 2010 meta-analysis involving 308,849 participants found that social ties have as much influence on mortality as other known health factors, including smoking cigarettes.
Thankfully, despite the inevitable hurdles of modern life, there are ways to make friendships more accessible. Here are six evidence-backed suggestions that can help you strengthen relationships and build more joy into your days.
For several years, I didn’t pursue a close friendship with my colleague and then-casual friend. We would get together about once a year, have a notably joyful time and then promptly wait another 12 months or so to connect again - largely because of the distance between us in a sprawling metropolitan area. When we identified a scenic midway point and began a weekly walking date, our friendship flourished.
If you want to deepen a relationship, create a regular routine to prioritise the connection - even a phone call or video chat. Or consider celebrating a holiday together, gathering in a group setting monthly (like a book club or card game) or joining something with a friend that has a built-in structure, such as a class or a cause. This will reduce the time spent on coordination and free up mental energy.
Setting aside a more substantial amount of time to enjoy a friend’s company may take the relationship to the next level. Research in 2019 by Jeffrey Hall, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, suggests that casual friendships take about 30 hours to establish and good friendships around 140 hours.
Once your basic travel itinerary is set, do as much or as little preparation as you desire. When you’re on holiday, you can be present, away from the tasks that compete for your energy at home, which means more time to deepen your bond. The getaway doesn’t need to be extravagant and could just be a day trip.
I love visiting my dear friend Kate in Durham, North Carolina. Although flying 1931km is far from convenient, we arrange a restorative, retreat-like weekend at her home that includes a daily walk along our favourite hiking trail with a stop at the everblooming Duke Gardens. The hours we spend reconnecting solidify our friendship.
In my psychotherapy practice, I talk a lot about the life-altering concept of asking for what you want. Being open about your hopes and needs dramatically increases the chance of getting them met. Plus, assertiveness can help reduce stress, depression and anxiety, as a 2024 research study involving a randomised trial of college students indicates.
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman created a process for couples communication that can be applied to friendships, too.
The Gottmans recommend that you first say how you feel and that you’re focused on a specific situation. Importantly, don’t criticise - instead, make a positive request. For example: “I am feeling overwhelmed by work lately. I would love to de-stress together sometime soon. Do you have any time for a walk next week?”
To reduce the sting of saying goodbye, my friend Kate and I plan our next visit before our getaway is over. This also works well for in-town friendships. Scheduling in person reduces the burden of planning and cuts down on irksome logistics-related texts, calls or emails. It also creates a collaborative process, instead of leaving the task of initiating plans on whichever friend is more organised or intentional. Plus, you can talk through where to meet and when, which provides an opportunity for direct communication.
For more freedom and flexibility, try “rough scheduling”, a concept developed from the research of Gabriela N. Tonietto, an assistant professor at Rutgers Business School, and Selin A. Malkoc, a professor at Ohio State University. Rough scheduling assigns a general range of time in a specific day but not a set hour, such as Sunday brunch. This approach to time has been known to preserve a feeling of spontaneity and freedom yet still bolster connection with a clear commitment.
If you feel like your friendship is in a rut, try something new to bring fresh energy. Many times, small shifts can help.
If you always meet for a morning coffee near your friend’s home, why not plan an evening outing in a new neighbourhood? If there’s too much talk about the kids or health issues or any other topic you find less inspiring, suggest meeting to discuss something different and specific, such as to get your friend’s perspective on a career change.
If you are unsatisfied, instead of passively hoping things will shift on their own, take a more active approach. If you need additional guidance about how to do this, a skilled therapist can support you to build up the courage - and skills - for more assertive communication.
Of course, when a friendship is too exhausting, when a friend egregiously damages trust, or when there is abuse or harm, a small shift won’t do. Instead, the friendship probably should end.
A gathering that celebrates a positive life event is associated with boosting social support, according to a 2023 study published in the Journal of Public Policy & Marketing. But don’t stress about doing things perfectly.
Instead, bring friends together for a good-enough gathering. That could mean hosting a casual outdoor bonfire to toast a buddy’s retirement, or serving tea to your girlfriends instead of a meal. Whatever feels manageable so that you can relax and enjoy your company. I recently enjoyed a few hours in a friend’s backyard, where she offered drinks and snacks such as pretzels and chocolate. What I remember is the camaraderie and lively conversation, although the chocolate was tasty, too.
Planning an event also gives you something to look forward to. In fact, the pleasure of anticipating the event may affect your happiness in powerful ways; a 2018 study using MRI imaging illuminated how anticipation affects the bilateral medial prefrontal cortex in the brain, resulting in increased wellbeing.
Hosting is an act of kindness because it promotes connection - and bringing friends together can spark joy in the people you care about. So let yourself enjoy it, imperfectly.
Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker
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