It can be helpful to lean into "flight mode" and temporarily remove yourself from a stressful situation or conversation if you feel stressful emotions taking over. Photo / Getty Images
It can be helpful to lean into "flight mode" and temporarily remove yourself from a stressful situation or conversation if you feel stressful emotions taking over. Photo / Getty Images
It’s only 11am on a Monday morning, and you feel tense and dejected. Your boss – who emailed you at 10 o’clock last night – is piling on yet more tasks to complete. Meanwhile, your WhatsApp group is pinging away in your bag, as the neighbours complain about the mess by the bins.
Our world is filled with stressful people – or, more accurately, people who bring you stress. Whether it’s the unreasonable boss, the difficult in-law or the emotionally draining friend, such relationships can have serious effects on our physical and mental health.
“Stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain,” says Travis Bradberry, the author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0. “Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus – an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory.”
Feeling repeatedly under pressure raises the production of stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, sending us into a state of “hyper-arousal”, according to clinical psychologist Dr Marianne Trent. “Our heart rate and blood pressure increase, and we feel angry, anxious, out of control or overwhelmed or numb,” she says. Long term, there’s a risk of insomnia, even heart disease and stroke.
While you don’t always have a choice over the people you have to deal with, you can manage the way you deal with them. Here’s how:
"Removing yourself allows your body to regulate your stress and get back under the threshold so you’re more able to cope,” a clinical psychologist says. Photo / 123RF
If possible, literally remove yourself from the person in question – not for five or 10 minutes, but a whole 20 minutes to allow your stress hormones to rebalance themselves. “When we’re around people who cause us strongly negative emotions, we have a ‘fight, flight or appease’ response,” says Trent.
“It can be helpful to lean into ‘flight’ and temporarily remove yourself from a stressful situation or conversation if you feel stressful emotions taking over. Removing yourself allows your body to regulate your stress and get back under the threshold so you’re more able to cope,” she says.
A 2019 study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology established the most effective dose time for lowering stress levels is 20 minutes, particularly if you can be “in nature”. So head outside – if only to a local park.
Sandwich meetings with tricky people with an activity that brings you joy
Psychotherapist Katerina Georgiou advises “sandwiching” a tricky conversation, such as a meeting you’re dreading or lunch with a difficult family member, with “supportive” activities. Photo / 123RF
Katerina Georgiou is a psychotherapist and author of How to Understand and Deal with Stress. She advises “sandwiching” a tricky conversation, such as a meeting you’re dreading or lunch with a difficult family member, with “supportive” activities. “This could be going to a coffee shop or for a swim or speaking to a friend,” she says. “Any activity that you enjoy and will give you a boost.”
If this is during the working day and you only have a few minutes, it could be as simple as messaging someone who leaves you feeling happy and supported.
If you have longer, take advantage of the stress-busting effects of exercise: not only has physical activity been proven to reduce stress by producing endorphins, it also increases your resilience to future stressors. In the work day, this could include scheduling an exercise class for your lunch break.
Set limits on your exposure to them
Don’t be afraid to give a polite "no" – delivering it with a reason often helps. Photo / Getty Images
“Think of it this way: if the complainer were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke?” says Travis Bradberry. “You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with someone who causes you stress.”
According to Dr Marianne Trent, it’s all about setting boundaries – restrictions that put you back in control. “This can be done politely, but firmly,” she says. “People who are ‘unboundaried’ don’t like having boundaries put in place around them, but that doesn’t mean you can’t add them.”
Setting limits around contact time can be useful: “Assert when you’re available and how available you are,” she says. “Ultimately, you are in charge of how and when you engage with someone who is causing you stress”.
Don’t be afraid of the polite “no” – delivered with a reason often helps. For example, to a demanding colleague: “I’d like to be able to help with this, but I’m afraid I’m on a tight deadline with something else.”
Stop for a minute and put yourself in their shoes
One approach to stressful interaction is similar to the main theory behind cognitive behavioural therapy, which teaches techniques that help you reframe your perspective and replace unhelpful beliefs and thoughts with more realistic ones. Photo / Getty Images
“Remember that if someone is being difficult, it can be helpful to reframe it to understand that it’s usually because their life is difficult right now,” says Georgiou. “They might have pressure at work from someone higher up, or there could be something going on in their life that has made them particularly snappy that day.
“It can be a supportive thing in a stressful moment to consider that and give yourself a chance to pause. Remember that two things can be true at once: someone can be difficult or angry with you, you can understand them, and it’s okay for you to feel how you feel.”
This concept is similar to the main theory behind cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), which teaches techniques that help you reframe your perspective and replace unhelpful beliefs and thoughts with more realistic ones – and can be applied to most areas of your life.
“Positive self-talk helps you reframe the way you look at stressful situations, understanding that you will approach challenges with the best of your ability and that whatever the outcome – you did the best you could." Photo / Getty Images
A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2014 found that how we talk to ourselves has an impact on how we process emotions and manage stress. Stressful relationships can impact self-esteem – this is especially true of challenging relationships with family members.
“You see it with children whose parents have been strict with them – we start to speak to ourselves in the way we’ve been spoken to,” says Trent. To combat this, she suggests making a conscious effort to speak to yourself the way you would a best friend, with empathy and understanding.
Elaine Meade is a psychotherapist who specialises in positive psychology. “Positive self-talk helps you reframe the way you look at stressful situations, understanding that you will approach challenges with the best of your ability and that whatever the outcome – you did the best you could,” she says.
“Tackling these situations with an ‘I can do this’ mindset rather than a negative ‘this is too hard’ one, opens up new ways of thinking and problem-solving.” Which in turn will give you ammunition to deal with soul-sapping individuals.
Call time on relationships that endlessly cause you stress
Another part of challenging negative self-talk is freeing yourself from obligation, says Trent. Get rid of the “coulds, shoulds, woulds, and musts”, she says.
Of course, it’s possible to call time on a relationship if it’s a tricky friendship – less so if it’s your boss.
“No matter what, relationships should be reciprocal,” says Trent. “If they won’t allow you to assert yourself then it might be that the relationship has run its course.”
