What does 'single' look and feel like for different age groups and genders? Photo / 123rf
Four single Kiwi men and women in different age groups tell Sinead Corcoran Dye what it’s like to be without a partner.
Eleanor, (age 28), business owner, has been single for four years.
I thought I had met “my person” in my last year of high school. We were together on and off for two years, but I now know he was an absolute waste of time. The man I dated after him for six months started off amazing, but very quickly changed his entire personality and became awful – I wish he had gone to therapy, more men should.
I’ve been single since then. I’ve dated a few people casually though – always the same age as me or older - and usually meet them on dating apps, at bars, festivals or through being set up by friends. I’ve always been attracted to men who are confident, driven, can have a laugh and want a family. My “ick” is a man who’s cocky.
The best date I ever went on was with a super tall and handsome Australian chap who was visiting New Zealand. We met for a drink and dinner and totally clicked. We spent the night bar-hopping, singing and dancing until the early hours of the morning. We then went back to my place, made a pillow fort in the lounge and had a beautiful intimate night.
The worst was with a man who asked me if I’d seen Star Wars and when I said no – and that I didn’t want to – spent the entire evening talking me through every single scene of each of the movies in the entire franchise.
I’m currently living at home with my parents because I’m pouring all of my cash into my business – and I don’t think many single women in their twenties can afford to rent alone right now.
While I don’t have a partner, I have a very full life and keep busy with pilates, cooking, wining and dining, going to saunas and reading. I’m also thinking of taking up pottery and knitting this year.
Despite that, I’m very aware that I’m alone. I have a wonderful family and very good friends, but they can’t be with me all the time because they have partners.
I’m trying really hard to enjoy this time on my own and making plans for myself. While I feel ready to meet someone that I can build a life with, I’m not actively looking right now – I’ve sort of given up on trying.
I’m also not interested in casual sex. I know myself well enough to know that if I met someone I wanted to sleep with, I wouldn’t be content with just intimate touch – I’d want the hanging out, coffee dates and romantic walks on the beach.
I really do feel that being single is a gift. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. You have time to figure out who you are. You can travel or even move on a whim. You learn to go through really hard things alone, have opportunities to find your voice, develop really deep friendships and open yourself up to new ones.
There’s freedom to explore other bodies and learn about yours along the way. I’m a much better person for being single, and I know that I’ll be a much better partner for it, too, when that time comes. Being single is a fulfilling lifestyle - not a waiting room.
I dislike the side of dating where you’re getting to know someone and it doesn’t work out - it can be pretty draining putting yourself out there only to get disappointed. I also get decision fatigue. What should my plans be for the weekend? Should I go travelling? Get a new job? Sometimes I feel it would be so nice to have someone that I can make these decisions with.
And I do really want to have children. If I don’t have a partner by the age of 37 I’d definitely look into having a child on my own - I wouldn’t want to miss out on having a child just because the right partner for me hasn’t come into my life.
If I never meet the right person, I would much rather remain single and enjoy the gifts of being on my own, than settle for less and end up with the wrong match.
Harriet, age 35, manager
I’m newly single after ending an almost eight-year relationship two months ago.
After dating casually through my twenties, and never staying with anyone longer than a few months, I met my ex when I was 28.
In my early twenties, I always met people either at bars or through mutual friends. But when dating apps became a thing in my mid-twenties, that was what I relied on.
The best dates I ever went on were with my ex. It wasn’t that we did anything particularly special on the dates that made them the best, it was the excitement of meeting someone who I really liked and the feeling that this was going to be something important.
My worst date was with a man who left halfway through to go sell drugs. Then he ghosted me. He was also unemployed (apart from his side hustle in dealing narcotics) and the money he funded this business venture with he had pilfered from his parents. But I was still devastated when he didn’t want to see me again. Also, when he got up from the table to go sell drugs he left his jumper behind. So I thought, “Oh well – at least I’ve got a nice new merino out of this so not a complete waste.” But when I inspected it closer it was covered in moth holes.
Since the break-up, I’m living with my mum and paying rent until I can afford to buy a property.
I try to keep myself busy with a lot of books and TV, and spending time with my family and friends. I also attempt to do regular exercise.
I do have a lot of alone time in a week, but I do socialise a lot. I might have a dinner with friends on a weeknight, and another one with my family – and on weekends I try to see at least one friend. Most Fridays after work I go to my best friend’s house to eat cheese, drink some wine and hug her baby daughter.
I do feel lonely sometimes - almost all of my friends are either engaged, married and/or have children. But I’m not looking for another relationship right now – and I don’t think I’m emotionally sound enough to have casual sex yet.
While there’s definitely a sense of relief at not being in a relationship where there were issues, the fear does hit you about having to start all over again in your mid-thirties, and not being where you expected to be at this age. And I really miss having someone to come home to and chat to about absolutely nothing.
My ex and I were planning on having a baby so I’m now looking into freezing my eggs. It’s a huge cost though so I need to work out if I really want to do it. If I never meet anyone I want to be with again, I think I will be pretty sad. But I’ll also be okay.
Liam, age 42, Project Manager in IT with a side business
I wasn’t successful with dating when I was younger and didn’t have my first real relationship until I was in my early 20s. We ended up breaking up, though, due to a lack of communication – on her end. We had always been on the same page about what we wanted with our life together. We both wanted children, to travel, to buy a house and to go out with friends more. But when we weren’t able to do all of those things she never wanted to talk about how to make it work, how to adjust our finances to achieve these goals and what sacrifices we’d have to make. I just feel like I was disappointing her all the time.
I’ve been single since then, and that was four years ago. I usually meet people on dating apps as I find Kiwis are not very open to random interactions. Having lived overseas, when you go out to bars you meet people all the time, have a random five-minute conversation and keep moving. Here, if you try to talk to someone while waiting to get a drink, they look like you are ruining their night. I also go to the gym, but all my female friends tell me never to talk to girls there.
The best dates are where there is give and take in the conversation. The worst are when you’re on a date with someone rude or inconsiderate. With online dating, I have been on a few where people lied about how they look, their age or if they had kids. I want a relationship built on trust from the start.
I’m currently renting and have one flatmate. I keep myself busy with reading, watching films, playing sports, writing, and working out. I do sometimes feel lonely, and often feel alone. I have many wonderful friends; however, they mostly have kids and are in a relationship. I love all their kids though, and I am Uncle Liam to all of them - but I would like to be on the other side of the coin with a partner and kids.
There is one perk to being single. I have freedom to do anything I want and I never have to check with anyone about anything.
But I hate going to events alone and everyone else is a couple. They then always ask who I’ve come with, and when I say no one, they look at me pityingly.
All I really want is to have someone to spend time with, who wants to spend time with me. I want to have kids before I run out of time – but lots of women in my age range have kids and don’t want more. It is a huge decision to forgo having kids, and I don’t want to make that sacrifice. I am trying so hard to meet a lady who will let me impregnate her.
Lately, I’ve been considering moving overseas, as I have nothing tying me to New Zealand. But no matter where I end up, I’ll be so disappointed if I never meet someone, and never have children.
Craig, age 58, Business owner
I lost my virginity to a girl older than me; not reluctantly might I add. Then I became a very sexually active teenager with no issues whatsoever attracting “the hot ones”. My blue eyes and blonde hair may have helped, but personality and an eager ear earned bonus points.
I spent my early twenties travelling around the world and dating casually, and by 30 I was married. The marriage was volatile and we separated shortly after. Thankfully, there were no children involved. I finally met my best and funniest lady ever. It was a fantastic relationship based on love and trust, but the best part of all was her cute 5½ year old. After 10 years together the relationship ended, but that 5½ year old is now 31½ and she is my daughter. And she’s just given me my first grandchild – the new love of my life.
Since her mum and I split, I’ve only had casual encounters. I was seeing one woman whose company I did enjoy – but she was keen for “social events” all the time, aka wine, wine and more wine.
My favourite kind of date is dinner, with great conversation and a music event to follow. The worst date I ever went on was when I arrived at an expensive restaurant and discovered the person was at least 10 years older than their profile claimed. It wasn’t so much about the age, more the fact that it was deceitful. And then it got worse ... She informed me I must immediately start contributing financially towards her family - all this in the space of four hours.
I’m currently renting a house with two other friends, two dogs and five chickens. I occasionally feel lonely, but even though I don’t drink anymore I still go pubs and sports bars a lot to catch up with friends.
I’m open to casual sex – I’m a bloke, with needs and passions – but I do turn down a few offers. There are advantages to being single - I have complete freedom and, careerwise, I’m more driven and focused on my business. But those positives are outweighed by a cold bed in winter, not having anyone to people watch with, and being loved romantically.
But there will always be people who are worse off. I have seen many people in not-so-good relationships, and lots involved in the never-ending pursuit of happiness in dating apps. Being “single” is just a label, one that is often misunderstood as lonely. And I’m not lonely. If I meet someone again, great. If not, no worries as I can get plenty of heart-filling cuddles on tap from my daughter and grandchild.
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