Start by adding yourself to his Find Friends app, so you can track his every move. Huzzah! Photo / Getty Images
In case ya hadn't heard, we're getting a remake of the beloved noughties rom-com, How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days.
Also before we go any further, in case you've never even seen the original - let me quickly unpack the plot for you.
A journalist named Andie works for a trashy women's magazine writing drivel about her personal life, but wishes she could write Serious Stories about politics and the economy.
I personally can't relate to this bizarre and boring career aspiration whatsoever, but let's move on.
To suck up to her boss, she accepts an absolutely cooked assignment where she has to woo a man called Ben then get him to dump her in less than a fortnight - by using the "Classic Full Noise, Stage 5 Clinger" techniques that us Crazy Gals apparently employ on the regular.
While some of these "grotesque" tactics from the OG 2004 version actually seem relatively normal to me (making him watch a chick flick, kindly gifting him a free ticket to a Celine Dion concert and leaving tampons in his bathroom cabinet) the rest are definitely quite batsh*t.
Andie "Does The Most" at deliberately driving Ben crazy by moving all her crap into his apartment after one date, buying him a hideous rat-dog and using Photoshop to morph their faces together to see what their kids would look like. (I think Photoshop was maybe quite new in 2004, so the results are Not The Goods, and their fake children look like baked potatoes.)
While details about how these absolute boner-killers will be updated for a millennial audience have not yet been released, I've compiled my own list for How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days (or less) in 2019.
1. If he nips off to the bathroom during your first date ...
Utilise the opportunity by swiping his phone off the table and adding yourself to his Find Friends app.
This way you'll be able to track his every move, 24/7. Huzzah!
2. While you're at it, update his relationship status on Facebook
This will be doubly alarming - because as well as not having had the "BF / GF" chat yet (since you only met him 15 minutes ago) no one's updated their relationship status since 2009 because it's a really sick thing to do.
3. Oh, and set up a subscription order of Blush flowers ...
to be delivered to your work, so you can Insta-story them with the caption "He's a keeper."
Go on, tag him in, he'll love it.
4. Oh, he's still in the bathroom?
No worries, he definitely hasn't climbed out the window or anything. Keep yourself busy by signing the pair of you up to My Food Bag for two.
The Fresh Start one, mind you - might as well begin Shredding For The Wedding.
5. And speaking of your upcoming nuptials ...
Chuck an Ali Express replica of Meghan Markle's wedding dress on his Afterpay - atta girl!
6. Man, he's definitely taking his time in there...
Anyway, while you're at it - log back into his Facebook and tee up a group chat with The Lads. Ask them if anyone's got a spare confetti canon kicking around in the garage - for your imminent gender reveal party.
7. Also, don't forget to update his phone background with a selfie ...
And take it with that bone-chilling ageing app that makes you look 103 years old. He might as well know what he's going to be waking up next to for the rest of his life.
8. OmG he's back, finally - and he says "shall we make a move?"
Don't worry, he definitely doesn't mean "let's make separate moves back to our separate houses and separate lives." So order an Uber for the both of you, back to your place.
Ask him if he wants to Take This To The Bedroom.
When he replies with a resounding "Uh, okay," sexily drag him to your boudoir. Make him watch the Cats trailer.
9. Oh it's the next day and you haven't heard from him?
Not to worry - it's 2019 babes, women can make the first move now, too. It's called feminism, hello!
Ask him what he's Up2 tonight, and if he wants to watch the Cats trailer again?
Oh, he's busy? Not to worry, not to worry. Just think, what would Khloe do?
Send him 76 voice memos screaming LIAR!!! You got this.
OPINION: The perceived horrors of parenthood that were quashed after I had a child.