Remember, only ever use the self-checkout and scan every single item as a Jazz apple. Photo / Getty Images
I'm 27 and everyone definitely has more money than me.
I don't just mean the people who are older than me and earn more than me, but also the people who are younger than me and earn way less than me.
Even primary school-aged children, whose sole income is just pocket money plus a random $20 note in their birthday card every now and then, I bet you they have more money than me too.
According to my self-loathing-inducing social media feeds, lots of people my age are jaunting off to Europe every five mins, or buying their first homes.
I, on the other hand, am having Nervy Bs (nervous breakdowns) left, right and centre because I accidentally spent my last $80 on a photo editing tool that makes you look more tanned in your Instagram pics.
Last week after I was left almost bankrupt over minor car repairs however, I decided enough was enough - and I got a copy of The Barefoot Investor.
If you haven't heard of it, it's a financial self-help book for poor souls like me who lack a basic understanding of money.
The Barefoot premise is simple - you set up a whole bunch of sad little bank accounts and give them jaunty little names like "splurge" and "smile", which is probably supposed to make the whole thing seem fun - and then you just sit back and wait for them to fill up with bucks.
If, like me however, you've got a long time to wait before your sad little accounts resemble anything more than cavernous dark holes - I've compiled a helpful list of eight other ways to save money in the interim.
Instead of Countdown, go to Farro on a Sunday afternoon. Not to actually buy anything, god no - just to circuit around their free tasting stations.
Eat 53 tiny nubs of bread (or until they ask you to leave) - that way you won't need to buy dinner.
Ensure you couple up with a boyfriend or girlfriend before winter hits, to save on heating your Grey Lynn flat.
By all means, Marie Kondo them out of your life come summer - but absolutely not before stealing their Netflix, Lightbox, Neon and Spotify passwords. I can't stress this enough, every subscription dollar counts.
Not just because they're cheaper than going out to dinner - but because you can get away with A) contributing absolutely nothing without anyone realising, and B) keeping all the leftovers.
Not to keep track of sales or anything - but so you can pick fights with your friends and family members right before Christmas and their birthdays. That way, you don't have to buy them presents. Cha-ching!
If you're a straight woman on a date, insist the man pays - he earns 12 per cent more than you, remember?
Attend the Opening Night of absolutely any and every Auckland event, if only to secure three free cheese and crackers and two glasses of cask pinot gris.
By which I mean, only ever use the self-checkout and scan every single item as a Jazz apple. Razor blades? Jazz apple. Eye fillet? Jazz apple.
If, like me, you're 27 and over the hill - settle for attempting to be run over by a rich person.
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