My idea of a holistic and serene birthing experience is being hooked up to a bleeping machine that costs thousands of dollars and being pumped full of lovely drugs and surrounded by people in scrubs who spent thrice the amount of time at university than I did, and who didn’t just get a BA.
The person who, when you announce you’re having an elective C-section, looks at you appalled and hisses “childbirth isn’t hard, Sinead”. In the words of comedian and mother-of-two Ali Wong, “I have suffered enough.” Since hearing this during her interview on pregnancy with Ellen DeGeneres, this has become my mantra for motherhood from here on out. I have suffered enough. If you can make giving birth easier, make it easier, and don’t feel guilty about it.
As someone who manages a severe mental illness – and during pregnancy an unmedicated one at that – I have no interest in finding out how the uncertainty of a spontaneous, potentially extremely long, and painful vaginal birth would exacerbate that. Instead, I will be booking in for a mid-morning, weekday slot to have my baby cut out of me in under 30 minutes, birthing injury-free and to the sounds of my Taylor Swift playlist. I don’t give a sh*t what kind of “too posh to push” mother that might make me, because I know it’s the best decision for me. And a C-section is still childbirth! It’s 2023, and in the words of my obstetrician – your baby doesn’t care how they’re born, they just want to come out and meet you.
Anyone who asks what your baby’s name is, then when you tell them says, “hmmm, no”. It is very rare that an expectant mother would be willing to share the name of her unborn child, so if they do, the only acceptable response is “OMG, beautiful, so cool.” It is never an invitation to give your opinion, unless requested. A pregnant mum doesn’t give a sh*t if your primary school bully or incarcerated second cousin has that name.
A person who, upon hearing about what a miserable pregnancy you’ve had, gleefully announces “well it’s only going to get worse when the baby arrives!”. This person is a genuine sociopath. Yes, you might be sleep-deprived, but I have it on good authority from many mums that newborn sleeplessness is nothing compared to ungodly pregnancy exhaustion. And C-section wounds or bruised vaginas are bad, but they’re nothing ice packs and painkillers can’t help. And that the smell of your new baby’s head and a fat glass of pinot noir makes everything groovy.
Anyone who makes you feel like you can’t complain about being pregnant because you’re only allowed to be grateful to be having a baby, and these things shall not co-exist. A while ago after writing about how I was having a difficult pregnancy, someone emailed me saying I don’t deserve to be pregnant and that they feel sorry for my daughter. I tried for three years to have a baby naturally and went on to pay tens of thousands of dollars for IVF. Believe me, no one’s more gutted than me that my much-wanted pregnancy is not what I dreamed of, particularly when it was hard to even get to this point. But we can want our babies, and love our babies, and still hate the process. Pregnancy is very hard on a lot of people’s bodies, and if you’re struggling too, my DM’s will always be a safe, judgment-free place for you.
Photo: Sylvie Whinray / Clothing: Legoe Heritage
