A series of small acts which step outside the boundaries of a normal relationship may not be cheating by definition, but can still do damage. Photo / Djim Loic, Unsplash
A series of small acts which step outside the boundaries of a normal relationship may not be cheating by definition, but can still do damage. Photo / Djim Loic, Unsplash
While micro-cheating has no place in any healthy romantic relationship, some partners may be toeing a fine line without even realising.
A series of small acts which step outside the boundaries of a normal relationship may not be actually cheating by definition, but can still do damage.
"Cheating, micro or otherwise, is less about the behaviour and more about lies and the keeping of secrets and how those lies and secrets impact your partner," adult intimacy expert Dr Robert Weiss writes for Psychology Today.
The secretive and often vague nature of micro-cheating was part of what made it particularly difficult to both identify and confront, love and relationship coach Angela Barret said.
"Because micro-cheating doesn't involve overt and obvious behaviours – for example, kissing or sleeping with someone else – it can be harder to identity and harder to prove," she told news.com.au.
"Micro-cheating behaviours are often not physical yet still cross the boundaries of an exclusive relationship, and can shatter trust and occur as a feeling of being betrayed."
Micro-cheating red flags
There are a broad range of acts that could constitute micro-cheating, particularly in cases where a partner is being entirely kept in the dark.
• Dressing differently when you know you will see someone in particular
• Texting with an attractive person who is not your partner
• Chatting online with an attractive person who is not your primary partner
• Socialising with an attractive co-worker
• Liking and positively commenting on a person's social media photos
• Having a dating app profile, even if you never use it to hook up
A clear distinction could be made in the case of a person regularly going to lunch with an attractive co-worker.
If they were to be open and honest with their partner about the frequent catch-ups, it's likely that attending them wouldn't fall into the category of micro-cheating.
The opposite would probably apply, however, if they were keeping the interactions secret from their partner.
Regardless of whether there was sexual or romantic interest in the co-worker, if the meeting was being done behind a partner's back, it was most likely to be regarded as micro-cheating.
Barret said it could be "anything that amounts to cultivating an intimate or sexual connection outside of your relationship".
This could include "being in contact with someone you're sexually attracted to, keeping such connections secret from your partner, flirting with or confiding in an ex, or concealing or lying about your relationship status when speaking to someone you're attracted to".
Micro-cheating red flags include having a dating app profile, even if you're not using it to hook up. Photo / Mika Baumeister, Unsplash
What to do if you suspect a partner is micro-cheating
An overly distant partner or one who seems to be on their phone more than normal might be setting off some internal alarm bells that need addressing.
"It's important to pay attention to your gut feeling, because often you can feel deep down that something isn't right," Barret said.
"Signs can include your partner being fixated on their phone in a way that feels like they're not present with you, they may become irritated or defensive if you ask about their connection with someone, and they may minimise, rationalise and deny anything."
The situation can cause obvious tension in a relationship and, as such, will require time and energy if it is to be resolved.
"Make a time with your partner to have an open conversation about your concerns. Speak to your partner about what you've observed," Barret said.
"For example, 'I've noticed you spend a lot of time talking to X – I'm not sure what to make of that. Can you enlighten me about what's going on?'"
She said it was important that a micro-cheating partner was informed that their behaviour was making the other person uncomfortable.
It was likely that a "bigger conversation about the boundaries and agreements of your relationship" was necessary if the matter was going to be quashed.
Barret suggested that a couple in this situation may need to make sure they were on the same page about the definition of monogamy.
"Make requests of your partner for their behaviour moving forward, and observe whether they're able and willing to meet your requests," she said.
Micro-cheating is subjective
Dr Weiss highlighted how the idea of micro-cheating was largely subjective, given unwritten rules in relationships dictated each partner's boundaries and expectations.
"This means that some behaviours might feel like full-blown infidelity for one couple, micro-cheating for another, and not cheating at all for another," he wrote.
He added that some acts that could be considered micro-cheating are merely normal parts of human behaviour that remained consistent both in and out of relationships.
"If you see someone that you find attractive and that person smiles at you, you're probably going to return that with your own best smile, regardless of your relationship status," he said.
As such, being someone's romantic partner doesn't mean that reacting in a natural way to outside attention comes to an end.
Weiss argued that responding to flirtation from someone else was "not a reflection of the strength and quality of our primary relationship".
On the other hand, he said actively engaging in micro-cheating regularly could escalate to a point where it becomes blatant cheating.
It was up to a couple to define what cheating and micro-cheating was to them, Weiss said, with the only solution for a disagreement on the definitions "open and honest communication".
"Such communication is the key to healthy intimacy. The more open and honest a couple is, the more intimacy and connection they will have."
