Addressing and overcoming the challenges of sexless relationships for a happier, more intimate partnership. Photo / Getty Images
If the spark has gone from your long-term relationship it can feel impossible to reignite it. But there are ways to reignite the passion, says sex and relationship therapist Michelle Kasey.
The trope of sexless marriage is deeply embedded in our culture. It’s extremely common to not only believe that sex will inevitably fade in romantic relationships, but that this is also not that big a deal. Many think that sex is frivolous and are willing to accept that if they want a long-term relationship it’s something they must eventually learn to live without. This mindset stops many couples from taking sexlessness seriously. I’d like to see that changed, given sexlessness is one of the most prevalent reasons for divorce.
Happy couples have sex regularly. The link between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction has been consistently demonstrated in research. Sexually happy couples also report higher life satisfaction, wellness and levels of confidence. Couples with dead bedrooms report high levels of resentment and loneliness.
If you’re in a sex-starved relationship, you are not alone. Research suggests that 1 in 7 relationships are sexless. That is not surprising, given how many normal-life things can get in the way of fulfilling intimacy. Health issues, kids, family, stress, and work, to name a few. It’s not uncommon to find yourself in this predicament, unable to imagine how your relationship could be any different. If you’re someone who loves your partner but feels that they’re more of a flatmate or co-parent than a romantic partner, here’s what I want you to take from this article … sexlessness is actually very solvable. I’ve worked with hundreds of couples, including a handful in their 70s, who are now enjoying the best sex of their lives.
A dead bedroom almost always points to unaddressed issues in the relationship. Resentment, hurt and stress are potent libido killers. I’ve seen that the gradual accumulation of resentment from many micro-moments of not feeling seen or heard by a partner, erodes the desire and willingness to connect sexually in many relationships. Death by 1000 cuts.
A second common feature of sexless relationships is an absence of non-sexual, romantic touch. It is tremendously difficult to feel hot towards a partner, when the absence of romantic affection, such as hand holding and passionate kissing, has contributed to a wintery cold between bodies. This kind of affection keeps the embers warm in a relationship, making it much easier to get hot for one another.
Third and rarely considered, is domestic inequity. Research suggests heterosexual women who do more than their fair share of household labour feel resentment and higher levels of stress, which reduces their sexual desire. Stress reduces an interest in sex for 80 to 90% of people and reduces the enjoyment of sex for 100% of us. Interestingly, same sex couples tend to have more equitable relationships and report more fulfilling sexual lives.
A healthy sex life requires energy and effort. It cannot thrive nor survive off scraps. Now, the goal is not never to have a dry spell. It’s normal for one’s desire for sex to move through different seasons. It’s also rare for couples to maintain the same fiery summer passion that was present in the early days of their love story. The realistic goal here is to not get stuck in winter, unintentionally putting one’s relationship in a vulnerable place. If you’re someone who benefits from having a target, research indicates that once a week is a reliable number to aim for. A study found that couples who have sex more than once a week enjoy no additional benefit compared to couples who have it just once.
Are you ready for some useful tools to revive your sex life? Up first, is a challenge to gradually increase your non-sexual, romantic touch. I like to give my clients a month-long game of touching 1% more than the day before. Research suggests 6-7 seconds is the ideal length for a kiss to evoke a feeling of closeness and desire. Studies have also shown that non-sexual romantic touch is highly effective at creating arousal in women. It’s even more effective at triggering lubrication than touching genitals and other erogenous zones.
Secondly, address any accumulated hurt and resentment that has been swept under the rug. Have a hard conversation and then keep having them. It’s unlikely you’ll wipe the slate clean in one conversation, so get ready to become a much better communicator through practice. This can be a sticky part of the process, so if you need support, reach out to me or another experienced practitioner. Despite the stigma, there’s no shame in needing help or investing in your sexual satisfaction and relationship fulfillment.
Thirdly, decide to embark on an exciting journey of erotic discovery together. This is a fun and rewarding quest to go on with a partner. Yes, it will be vulnerable at times, but fortune favours the brave. Follow me on Instagram, listen to podcasts, and read books to learn what excites you and feels good to your bodies. Our sexual wants and needs evolve over time, so don’t fret if things have changed from when you first met. Happy couples that have sex regularly are having good sex. Meaning, their sex is pleasurable, connected and satisfying - which is why they are motivated to keep doing it. No matter your age, it really is never too late to learn. Just get started.
Fourth, do fun new things together. Outside the bedroom, you might challenge yourselves to a dance lesson, attend an art class, go to the arcade together, or get tipsy on a wine tour. One study shows that when you do novel activities with your partner, you associate the excitement of the experience with your relationship, which builds trust, closeness and satisfaction. Inside the bedroom, step outside your usual routine and talk about trying something new. As psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “desire thrives in the space between partners, in the unknown and the unpredictable”. When everything about a partner becomes familiar and predictable, the sense of mystery that fuels desire can diminish.
Michelle Kasey is an Auckland-based sex and relationships therapist who has worked with clients in NZ and around the world for more than 6 years. She is also a professional burlesque artist, champion pole dancer and writer. michellekasey.com
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