Sex advice: Why women can't tell men what they want in bed

Women can find it hard to express what they want and enjoy when it comes to sex. Photo / 123RF

Women are constantly asked what we want in bed. We often can't answer because we don't know.

It's a simple enough question and usually well-intentioned, but the question "What do you like?" or "What do you want?" can leave women scrambling for an answer.

"I freeze."

"I forget everything I want."

"I don't know how to answer."

"I just say I like everything he does."

Reactions like this from women are incredibly common.

So why are women so overwhelmed with this seemingly straightforward question? Isn't it, after all, to their benefit to answer honestly?

There are a number of reasons women struggle to ask for what they want in the bedroom.

Women aren't taught to speak up and ask for what we want.

This applies to many areas of our lives, including in the workplace and in salary negotiations, but it particularly applies to the bedroom.

Associate Professor Lauren Rosewarne, from the University of Melbourne's School of Social and Political Sciences explains, "There are lots of cultural ideas about what a 'good woman' is and what constitutes appropriate female behaviour. Women are taught that articulating want regarding sex is too forward, too slutty."

There's still a prevailing narrative that sex is something women 'do for their partners'

"Women are always taught to put everyone else before themselves. Sexually this manifests in ideas about the all-importance of ensuring a male partner is kept happy and satisfied as a way to 'keep him' and retain the relationship," Rosewarne says.

Additionally, women are taught to treat the male ego gently – especially around sex. Women can default to a comment of "I like what you're doing" to avoid upsetting their partner or making them feel inadequate.

We don't know what we want

Sex education for decades has focused on reproduction – and how not to reproduce. The biggest takeaways I got from my high school sex ed. class were how to put a condom on a banana and the best way to avoid pregnancy and STIs was not to have sex at all.

Lack of education about how our bodies work, combined with cultural shaming of women who explore sex 'too much' means that many of us simply don't know what we want or like.

"I just don't know what I like. How do I even find out?"

Lack of clarity and difficulty speaking up has implications for women and their partners.

For women it means missing out on pleasure, feeling disempowered and a loss of desire.

Men, who are often confused or frustrated by the lack of direction, face increased pressure to figure it out. Just as women aren't taught to be empowered around their own sexuality, men are expected to know what to do and to get it right.

In therapy, I hear exasperated partners saying, "I really want to please her, I just wish she would tell me what she wants!"

Men's sex coach Cam Fraser agrees, "Some men feel frustrated with lack of clarity, especially after asking for it. Other men may feel disheartened, like they're trying to do all the right things but are getting nowhere.

"There might also be some men who feel enlivened when they're not given a clear answer, seeing it as an opportunity to explore and discover more with their partner."

So how can women find out what they really like and learn to ask for it?

By examining our internal beliefs about sex we can start to change them. Undoing centuries of cultural conditioning around sex doesn't happen overnight, but it is possible. Women, remind yourself that sex is about your pleasure too.

Do your research

Sex is a learned behaviour. We can all benefit from learning new skills and sexual techniques.

Seeing a gap in education on women's sexual pleasure, French company Climax studied how over 90,000 women pleasure themselves.

In a video series designed for women and their partners, they share specific techniques they found to be most popular in an attempt to help women experience more pleasure and close the orgasm gap.

Try self-pleasure

Sex therapists have long recommended solo pleasure as a way to help women struggling to reach orgasm. After all, if we don't know how we like to be touched, how can we give direction to someone else?

Practise open sexual communication

Research consistently shows that couples who can talk about sex openly and honestly have more satisfying sex. Building confidence and vocabulary in sexual communication takes practice. Body Mapping is a great way to practise exploration and communication in the bedroom.

Ultimately, discovering what you like and being able to communicate your desires to a partner helps sex become more satisfying for both of you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sex therapist and sexologist. For more expert advice follow her on Instagram.